Refocus

 

 

A major life event like Divorce or Bereavement really knocks us off our feet.   We can respond in any number of ways. We can choose to stay down, we can continue our lives on our knees, or we can use every resource within us and available to us to pull ourselves back to our feet.

If we choose the latter, it can be an exhausting process, and once we have regained our feet and stand shakily looking around, the new dilemma becomes which direction should we move in.  I feel I am at this point.  Not that I have been down and out for the past few years, I’ve been extremely busy, recovering, rebuilding and monitoring my kids physical and emotional wellbeing.  I’ve been regrouping emotionally, whilst also taking care of some practical matters.

The goal I had set when in survival mode was to stabilise our lives, get us back on our feet and into a new and secure home.  I’ve now achieved that.  I’ve gone through settlement, sold our family home in a slow market, found a short term home and relocated, and now finally we are settling in to our long term home.

I am standing a little uncertainly on my feet again.  I’m by no means ‘in the clear’ in terms of security, I still have a lot of hard work to do on that. However, I feel I’ve gotten us to a solid base.   I no longer have the sense of being in limbo waiting to move to our home.  It’s time to refocus on how to move our lives forward and decide on the direction I want my life to go in.

As a single parent, there are so many things to consider.  There is a minimum income that must be achieved to survive, it’s important to establish exactly what that is;  to do this I use the budgeting tools provided by the Australian Government on their website.  There’s a link to it on the side of this blog (it can be used in any country, and it wouldn’t take long to establish your own one, however I found the Aus. Gov.one quite comprehensive so saw no need to reinvent the wheel).  It’s important to be diligent and realistic when completing this.  It is an incredibly eye opening exercise and in fact can be  confronting if on a basic wage.  It makes it clear where the line must be drawn in terms of unnecessary expenses.   Living on a budget is always difficult, and often the people in our lives don’t make it any easier by pressuring us to do things that we simply can’t afford.  It can feel humiliating to explain that, and I have found it hard, especially when dealing with people that are in a far more comfortable financial position with no concept of what living on a budget is.  However, one of the advantages of getting a little older and wiser is that I understand I don’t have to be dictated to by such people and that living within my means leads to a much happier outcome than being embarrassed in to debt by insensitive and inconsiderate people.   Another big test is managing the children’s expectations.  Nobody likes to see their children disappointed; however the fact is that if Divorce has made a financial blow (and it generally does) children have to be taught to live within the family budget too.  It really doesn’t do them any harm as long as it is handled openly and honestly.

So, financial considerations are going to influence my compass.   In my case I am going to make a career change.  One of the criteria is that I do need to earn more money to be financially secure.  Another is that I need to work quite close to home. This is to ensure I’m accessible to my children if they need me, as well as minimising the time they spend in after school care or in the case of my oldest child the amount of time she spends alone.  This makes a career improving move a little trickier, but not impossible.  I live in a suburb, so the local options are a lot more limited than if I lived close to the CBD.  Moving was not an option I wanted to consider because my children are happy in their schools and I want to avoid upheaval for them as far as I can. So I will need to throw a lot of energy in to the search for a better job.  I believe I’ll achieve it.  It will require energy and focus and thinking outside the square in this tight job market, however the past few years have taught me that I am resourceful and have allowed me to take credit for my own achievements rather than remain stuck in the belief that I was only a component part of a couple, that was of no use when removed from the mechanics of a relationship.

The last criteria I want to share is that for the first time in my life I’m going to include satisfaction and quality of life as part of my job search criteria.  I have always approached jobs out of a sense of necessity in the past, driven by the need to pay bills and get by.  Now however, I want more from a job than just a salary.  I want to spend the third of my life that I spend at the office doing something that matters to me, rewards me and is a pleasure to go to.

In writing that, I realise something else.  It’s also the criteria for any new relationship I may choose to enter in to.  I realise that the last few years of establishing independence have removed the needier side of me.  In the past I may have been drawn to relationships seeking security or validation.  Now I will only be interested in a relationship that truly enhances my life.  My security comes from within now, and I no longer need to be validated.  I’ve realised I am enough.

Once my career goal is achieved, then I can begin to plan for my entire life, how I can continue to best parent my children and how I can prepare for them leaving the nest. How do I want to fill my life?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reminder about checking your financial entitlements

This is a quick and purely practical  post for anyone just reeling from their separation and unsure what to do about finances.
it is important that you look  at your Finances sooner rather than later.  If you do need to try to claim anything from the Government  I know that in Australia it won’t be back dated so you need to claim as soon as you can , whether it’s parenting allowance or jobstart allowance – it will only be paid from the date that you claim.  Look at the links on this page to get help in finding out what you are entitled to.

 

If you are in the UK entitledto.com is highly recommended – see link below. http://www.turn2us.org.uk/benefits_search.aspx

 

At the very least be aware of what you might be entitled to so that you are prepared should the need arise.

For people in Australia.  If you are on a low income and looking for a place to rent, check out the NRAS (National Rent Affordability Scheme).  You may be eligible to register for a subsidised rental property.  All properties on this government scheme are new.  The scheme is designed to enable people on low incomes to live in areas of employment in affordable accommodation.

e.g. see link below – all state gov’s have similar.

http://www.communities.qld.gov.au/housing/housing-services/renting-in-the-private-market/national-rental-affordability-scheme/information-for-prospective-tenants

Income and affordable housing are your first step to rebuilding your life on a practical level.

 

I also recommend that you research grants and government subsidised reskilling programmes if you need to re-join the work force after some time out.

 

Don’t wait for someone else to take care of it. Take control of your life and get this sorted out. You may be hearing a lot of promises, but at this point only delivered promises count for anything.

Take care of your physical and emotional health as your number one priority , but don’t neglect your financial security.

The truth of self

The truth is empowering.   The truth in every aspect of our lives has power.   It can take a lifetime however to learn to live according to our own truth.

When the fear of loss is ingrained within us, we make too many compromises.  We swallow our own needs and emotions to accommodate others in an effort to keep them.  We don’t examine their true value to us or ours to them, we simply become locked in a mindless quest to hold on.

As with most fears, only facing it can cure it.  It is only when we have experienced and survived loss that we can begin to put it in its true perspective.  It’s liberating, like a clearing fog.  Suddenly the frightening shapes and spectres are seen in their true form.

In that fog of fear we may have clung to some lifelines in the form of people, jobs or even alcohol, because we believed we were surviving on the edge of a precipice. When it clears we realise we have found our way to solid ground.  In that moment we may realise that some of the lifelines were actually more like tethers holding us back, perpetuating the fear, undermining our confidence.

We can examine why we feared loss so much, and discover that it is often not directly related to the person we feared losing at all, but a throwback to our sense of loss and abandonment as a child of dysfunctional parents.  This isn’t to say that we don’t feel genuine and justifiable pain in our life at the loss of those we love, but it can at times mean that we cling to people that are not good for us because the fear of loss paralyses our ability to determine if the relationship is toxic or not. We are intent on proving that we are worthy of being loved and are blinded by our needyness.

If we are fortunate enough to emerge from the fog and realise that we are enough on our own, we can truly connect with people for the first time.  We can become brave enough to be our true selves. We can learn to communicate  feelings honestly without defaulting to compliance or allowing ourselves to be worn down by others who are convinced that their feelings matter more.  We understand our right to equality, to be heard and accepted for our true selves, not a watered down version, no longer a stifled or resentful prisoner of fear.

Being true to ourselves is a new habit to learn, it takes time to unlearn the old habits and reconnect with ourselves.  It takes time to build courage where only fear has existed before, but it can be done. It takes time to understand that the greatest loss we can suffer is the loss of ourself.  Our core being, our unique gift from the Universe.  Our truth is our value. It is our energetic currency.  It makes us a better partner, parent, friend and citizen.

I am not afraid to be who I am, I’m not ashamed of my mistakes because I’ve tried to learn from them. I don’t regret any painful experience I’ve had, I miss the ones I loved and treasure their memories, I forgive the ones that hurt me. I forgive myself. I’m a work in progress with lots of room for improvement  and I will keep trying.  I’m grateful to have gotten through the fog and I’m grateful for all the good things in my life and for what I’ve learned from all the rest.

“This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.”  Shakespeare (Hamlet)

The truth is empowering.

 

Abandonment

 

This blog is about restarting your life.  It may seem odd that I currently focus so much on the past and understanding the reasons for relationship breakdown, but it is all about establishing a good foundation for the rest of our lives.

The fear of abandonment affects a lot of people.  If our parents were less than perfect we may be suffering to a degree from it.  There is a broad spectrum and the degree to which we suffer is determined by the nature of our childhoods as well as our own innate natures.

I believe I am of a sensitive nature and was  a little more acutely affected by this fear.  I had a lot of the classic symptoms, I had an imaginary friend (it was an elephant in fact), I was socially isolated and just spent my life lost in distraction whether it was TV, or music or books.

The long-term effects of this fear are that one lives with insecurity and is pre-disposed to codependant relationships.  One lives in fear of relationship breakdown to the extent that it may become a self-fulfilling prophesy. If we understand it we can address it.

Here are some links to  interesting sites on the subject.

http://www.internet-of-the-mind.com/abandonment.html

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-many-faces-addiction/201006/understanding-the-pain-abandonment

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Men and affairs

 

 

 

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/lifestyle/9254212/Why-do-women-forgive-unfaithful-husbands.html

I came across this article on the Daily Telegraph Web site today.  There are a number of opinions about if and how women can forgive unfaithful husbands.  There were some stats about how likely it is that a husband will be unfaithful.  6 out of 10 I think was the figure given.  Its high isn’t it?  I would have been surprised to read that a few years ago, but after a few years of talking to people going through divorce it seems quite conservative now.  A quick visit to an unpaid dating site will reveal a never ending supply of men looking for ‘discreet’ relationships and I’m sure there are quite a few cheating wives there too.

The primary reason for cheating, other than the thrill of casual sex,  appears to be resentment/anger. The latter appears to lead to more than a one night stand.  The source of the resentment isn’t always necessarily the wife; it may be job, lifestyle, financial situation or just a vague feeling of dissatisfaction with life generally.  As a lot of men are not raised to be introspective, they look for something easy and convenient to pin the blame on and quite often that pin ends up being stuck in their spouse.

Often a man will be going through the motions of his life feeling dissatisfied but not prepared to think too deeply as to why.  He may be unhappy at work, not getting picked for the first team any more or just not liking what he sees in the mirror.  He goes home and his wife is busy cracking on with it, cooking the dinner, helping the kids with their homework, finishing her own work assignments etc.  She hasn’t time nor inclination to stop and ask him what’s behind each deep sigh and hang dog expression.  When he complains for the millionth time e.g.  about the job that he never makes any attempt to move on from, she’s had it up to here and doesn’t indulge it anymore.  She’s already gone down the path of helping write Resume’s, suggesting alternative jobs to apply for, suggesting he take time out and maybe study or that the house could be downsized and the new car he want’s isn’t really necessary.  Since all that fell on deaf ears and was just met with further sighs, she’s now got no more time to waste on it.

Romance and intimacy go out the window.  The man is withdrawn in to his own dissatisfied world and doesn’t think to treat his wife like anything other than a fixture, she doesn’t respond well to being treated that way and the rut is formed between the two.  They go through the motions.

The ‘other’ woman is different of course.  She is all sympathy and indulgence.  She becomes a guilty pleasure, someone to stroke his ego. Someone who takes his complaints on board, like little refugees from the wife that doesn’t understand him.  Suddenly he doesn’t feel he’s in a dead end anymore, she seems to be opening a whole new world to him.  Guilt sets in.  His wife is at home raising his kids and taking care of most of his practical needs.  He begins to feel bad.  The now emotional affair mistress of course reassures him that this is ridiculous, tells him how great he is and how he deserves so much more.  He prefers to think she’s right.  The guilt is quickly rebranded as blame.  Suddenly he decides that he is such a good guy (he knows because his mistress tells him every 30 seconds), that it really must be all his wife’s fault.  If she was more understanding and loving and giving he would never have gotten to this point.  Every mistake his wife has made in the relationship is now held up as evidence against her.  There is no defence attorney appointed on her behalf, it’s all about the prosecution.  The wife must now be completely to blame.  He fills the mistresses’ head with tales of all her faults, and of course the mistress laps them all up because that makes her feel better about her involvement.  She isn’t stealing him, she’s rescuing him!

The wife is oblivious.  She had no idea that the same old stuff he’d been complaining about for years had suddenly found a new set of sympathetic ears.

There are always things we would do differently if we could go back.  Sometimes if a person enters mid-life crisis, there is not much you can do unless you have boundless energy and the patience of a saint. If a woman is working, running a home, raising kids and providing them with as full a life as possible, taking on the additional burden of a partner going through a sudden unexpected and intangible crisis is not possible.  If one knew it was coming one and what it was one could prepare for it, but it generally comes as a bolt from the blue.  It’s a perfect storm, it creates a rift between you and your partner and if you are unlucky there will be someone waiting in the wings, for an opportunity to step in and fill the void before you have the opportunity to bridge it yourself.

Forgiveness is possible of course.  It has to be both ways though.  The partner that has the affair has to acknowledge the hurt caused, but more importantly I think, they have to acknowledge that they acted out of anger and resentment towards their partner.  They were angry because they didn’t feel that they were getting the attention that they deserved. The partner has to accept that this anger exists, and understand where it has come from.   Both parties need to acknowledge that they haven’t been communicating effectively and I think should get the help of a very good counsellor.  When living a busy life it is all too easy to dismiss our partner’s gripes as being petty in the face of all that we have to do every day.  It’s hard to empathise with someone that isn’t able to articulate exactly what they are feeling.  Often what they are complaining about isn’t really the true issue at all.  Learning to communicate effectively means having to delve deep and understand what we really are feeling and where it is coming from.  This takes a lot of work, but if both people are prepared to do it I think it is very worthwhile and that it is entirely possible that the relationship can not only be fixed but made better than it ever was.

Unfortunately, society has such a high tolerance of infidelity now that marriages have become disposable.  It is often considered easier to replace than to fix.  A man when discovered in an affair may be quite repulsed by his own actions and the effect. This repulsion generates an emotion too great to bear and it goes through the same process as the guilt did i.e.it is transferred to blame.  As the man cannot stand to be seen as a cheater by his partner and his friends, he chooses instead to run away from it all. The wife is left feeling demonised, and the children are consigned to a life of living between two households.  No matter how successfully the dual household situation is conducted, it will never ever be as good for the children as if the marriage had been rebuilt and made successful.   No child (unless in an abusive situation) wants a split household.

The letter below is interesting.  It’s from a man that cheated on his wife, but then regretted it and is trying to make his marriage work.  It is interesting how he says ‘painted his wife black’ to his mistress during the affair.  This is typical.  It means that the wife usually ends up having to deal with not only a cheating partner but another woman that doesn’t know her but feels completely justified in hating and judging her, sometimes going out of her way to punish her.   The  man that wrote the letter understands to an extent the hurt he caused.  However like most people that haven’t experienced it,  he doesn’t understand just how deep it is, this is clear in his confusion at not being back to normal after 6 months.  I think he has yet to acknowledge his own anger and resentment, preferring instead to go from being the victim of a terrible wife/to the remorseful victim of his own temporary foolishness.  He finds it necessary to emphasise how attractive and young his mistress was, so clearly he was feeling in need of an ego boost and is still getting mileage from it.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthadvice/pillowtalk/8982954/I-had-an-affair-with-a-young-married-woman-at-work.html

Some relationships cannot be repaired.  They may have never been right, they may have drifted too far apart, and both people may simply not have the energy, wisdom or experience to know how to go about fixing them.  This is of course sad especially when there are kids because they will suffer as a result even with the best of intentions. It doesn’t justify an affair. If the relationship isn’t working, that is between you and your partner to try to work through and if unsuccessful to call it quits.  It is quite simply cowardly, deceitful and unevolved to think that introducing a third party is unavoidable. Affairs don’t happen by accident.  They are as a result of very deliberate behaviour.  They are developed over time, flirting, opportunity, pursuit, lies.  People embark on them believing they will fizzle out and they won’t be caught: a large percentage of people do get away with them undetected.  There are a lot of women out there ignoring the gut instinct that is telling them what they don’t want to know, there are as the article indicates a large number of people prepared to live with it.

 

If you think you need to find someone else to replace your existing partner while your current relationship is still in progress, then you have very serious dependency issues.  If you can’t face working on your existing relationship, and you can’t stand to be by yourself and stand on your own two feet, rest assured the problems you are having today will simply carry through to your next relationship.

When you find yourself in the situation of having to deal with a partner that has had an affair, good luck in how you chose to handle it. Rest assured though that it is not the end of the world. If you decide to try to make it work, do so whole heartidly. If you find yourself on your own, go through the grieving process but understand that it is a process and that you will get through it. Than you can decide on how to go about creating the life that you want and deserve. The pain subsides, you recover and you with work and help you will feel stronger. You will realise that being with someone that is not prepared to work on your relationship is not and never has been good enough for you. Get ready for better things xxx

 

Thoughts on family portraits for Divorced parents

 

I was reading an Article about the current economic crisis in Greece.  As I scrolled through the story a wedding photo appeared.  It was a bride flanked by her parents.  It struck something in me.  I looked at the photo and realised I didn’t and never would have a photo like that.  A photo or memory with my parents on either side, brimming with pride and oozing support.  It was quite a sad thought

My parents drew battle lines years ago.  40 years ago in fact.  They have both dug in to their trenches  firing at each other, firing less frequently these days, but still as hostile as ever.  They are both self-righteous and can reel off their justifications for maintaining their animosity.  I don’t think it has ever occurred to them for a moment that their stance has had a negative impact on their children. Neither of them has thought of putting their kids needs before their own.

They were holding their grudges so tightly that they let far more important things slip.  So much energy was devoted to justifying their position and rehashing evidence of the wrongs done against them that there was little time left to simply parent, support and show love for their kids.

Family occasions were forever divided and incomplete.

I looked at the photo and knew that I don’t want to be responsible for denying my children a moment like that.  Whether it’s a graduation, a wedding, a christening or whatever the occasion may be, I want my kids to know that they have two parents that love them.  That is far more important than anything else.  Who was right or wrong is far less important than that.  There is nothing to be gained from being right if it means compromising your kids’ happiness.  Allowing them the enjoyment of milestone events in their lives is more than enough compensation for swallowing ones pride.

Whatever the circumstance of a divorce (unless it was due to abuse) I think all parents are morally obliged to find it within themselves to forgive if not forget.  Show love by allowing children to feel comfortable in the company of both their parents, without creating an atmosphere of animosity. Let photo’s and memories be a complete picture of love and support from both of their parents.

For people newly divorced this may seem the most abhorrent idea. As time heals, keep that photo in mind. As you grow older and realise how fragile and brief life can be, you realise how criminal it is to deny your child  a complete happy memory, just so you can be ‘right’.  Loving your children enough to come out of your trench for an armistice in no way makes you wrong.

Anxiety or me

Anxiety is a confusing condition to suffer from:  It isn’t always apparent   where one’s self ends and the condition begins.  If Anxious is all one has known oneself to be, one simply feels it as normality.

Fear quietly whispers in our ears like an old friend.  Telling us to hold back, pointing out the dangers, highlighting the risks, and then leans over and turns up the volume on any criticism that comes our way.  When we are required to act, it puts a hand on our shoulder and keeps us in our seat, stuck in inertia, paralysed by procrastination.

One learns to live with it.  To try to cover its existence,  with a neutral expression or an attitude of disinterest.  Anxiety teaches us that not trying is easier than failing.

Anxiety is like the stenographer of our life, except that it only records the testimony for the prosecution.  All the damning evidence about our failures and shortcomings is recorded verbatim and read back to us.  We may be feeling confident and moving forward, suddenly a minor setback will have  our built in Judge ordering the stenographer to read back the transcript “you’ll never finish it, you’re too disorganised, you’re lazy it’s all there to be regurgitated.

Anxiety is a a series of absolute condemnations, ‘you can’t, ‘you won’t’, ‘you never’.    The repetition is so convincing, so relentless that it triggers physical responses.  Trembling, perspiring – the adrenalin pumping through your system in preparation for fight or flight.  You assume the defensive position.

On a conscious level for the most part you are blissfully unaware of all of the above.

It’s taken me 3 years of work to begin to become aware of the messages that are transferred between my sub-conscious and conscious.  I have slowly meandered my way back through my life, following the thread and crumb trail. I’ve seen the links in my relationships uncovered in the most unexpected places.  The journey back certainly did not follow a straight line.  To navigate it I required the guidance of a counsellor, the patience of my friends and the time for some solitary reflection.  In the end I think I found the source of all the common threads throughout my life. The source of my anxiety is in the fear of abandonment.

Having been emotionally abandoned by one parent and physically abandoned by the other, the fear of further abandonment became hard coded in to me.  The fear of never being good enough, or worthy enough, or ‘right’  enough spouted threads which wound their way through my life with me.

Addressing that fear is the new challenge.  3 years living independently has certainly gone a long way to help me.  That was what it took to make me realise that I’m not a frightened dependent child any more. That is what has now finally made me realise that I don’t have to put up with 2nd rate treatment because I feel I must keep someone in my life. Now I realise that I do deserve to be treated well and valued and that only the people that do so are worth keeping.  I don’t fear being on my own any more.

I have not cured myself of insecurity and anxiety. However,  I have come to understand myself better and therefore put myself in a better position to deal with it.  More importantly I feel more kindly disposed towards myself now that I have reached a deeper understanding.

 

I recommend the following sites:

http://www.anxietyonline.org.au/

 

http://www.beat-depression-naturally.com/abandonment-issues.html

 

I recommend doing the anxiety course.  If you are in a position to do so talk to a counsellor also, as it assists in clearing the fog that is generated by a fearful mind.  If you are in Australia, you can get a referral from your GP, this will entitle you to 10 subsidised sessions with a counsellor in a calendar year.

It’s not an easy journey but it’s a worthwhile one.

Good luck to everyone setting out. x

Why do you chose a Narcissist to rescue you from Narcissistic parents?

I’ve discovered another good blog:

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/crumb-communications-if-they-havent-got-time-to-pick-up-the-phone-they-havent-got-time-for-a-relationship/

I’ve been absent from my own  blog for  a while for various reasons, life got busy for a while with some college assignments, visitors, kids appointments etc. and I ran out of steam.  Things are beginning to feel a little more manageable now, the routine of a long school term helps.  This post doesn’t have a specific topic; I guess it’s a stream of consciousness about where I am now.

 

I’ve been reading a bit.  I discovered the blog above this morning.  There are a number of interesting posts on it; it’s worth a visit.  I’ve also read a couple of books on having Narcissistic parents.  The first was recommended by a counsellor – ‘Will I ever be good enough’ by Karyl McBride.  The 2nd I came across on Amazon following the purchase of the aforementioned, ‘Children of the Self-Absorbed’ by Nina Brown.  I highly recommend both.

 

I think having been through a period of change in my life, and worked to regain balance,  I have finally achieved independence.  Having spent time in my own company becoming self-reliant,  I realised how little I knew myself.  This is why I went back to delve a little further in to understanding my relationship with my parents and how it has informed my choices throughout my life.

Having spent so many years trying to please others, I had never had the opportunity to determine what pleased me.  When you grow up with Narcissistic parents you are not permitted to have a sense of self, you are forced to tow their line and be compliant in order to survive and feel any sense of acceptance ( however tenuous)  by them.

 

The journey I’m on now feels similar to playing a Nintendo game.  I get to a level, spend time there learning to deal with the obstacles and challenges that face me.  I do have the odd setback and drop back a level, but find I am able to use my previous experience to move back up again faster and faster each time.  Since separating from the father of my kids, I would say I spent about a year and a half dealing with the emotional shock, the betrayal and the general upheaval; processing and trying to understand what had happened and why it affected me as severely as it did. The most recent year and a half has been about learning to believe in my ability to parent and support my kids.  I want to  provide us with the best possible life.

 

Being a single parent is relentless and all-consuming, particularly in the early stages after a divorce.  You are ever vigilant, putting out the emotional spot fires, monitoring the kids for signs of ill effect, trying to process and file away the output of your own emotions.   There is the practical day-to-day grind of working, kids’ activities, appointments, birthday party’s etc. etc.   One does become more proficient with experience, it does become easier.

 

In the evenings and when the kids were at their Dad’s I devoted time to developing relationships with people who had gone through similar experiences; the more I found commonality the more I sought information.  I built up an arsenal of knowledge.  An unexpected side effect of this was that one day, all of this information would come together and Pennies would begin to drop without warning.  One day  an innocuous conversation occurs with someone who has been part of your life for a long time, and suddenly there is a moment of realisation and your perception of them and the nature of your relationship changes forever.  Suddenly you realise why, whilst you were aware of the self-destructive patterns in your life, and firmly believing that you know what you need to avoid  repeating them in the future, you found yourself back in the same loop again.

 

It’s interesting that in spite of being so acutely aware of how harmful my mother was to me that I still made poor choices in life in my desire to avoid becoming involved with someone like her.  I think the trap one falls in to when one has self-involved parents, is that one develops a ‘damsel in distress’ type of mentality.  One avoids obviously similar types to ones parents when one seeks out a relationship, one instead looks for a rescuer.

 

The rescuer in my case was all about stability and security.  The problem is that one starts off on such a bad footing, one gives oneself up to be rescued, and you never get yourself back.  The relationship is based on your co-dependency.    You have to remain compliant and stay within your roles.  You accept the constant subtle messages that you can’t do things for yourself, even though you are most likely the person in charge of doing everything for both of you.  You are never given credit.  You are told regularly that you wouldn’t have anything if it wasn’t for your rescuer, this may well be in spite of the fact that you earn more and make all the financial decisions, it doesn’t matter – the dye was set from the first day of your relationship, you are right back in a relationship with a Narcissist Co-dependent people are drawn together magnetically.  Both equally insecure, one projects their insecurity on to the other and the other accepts in on top of their own.

 

Narcissistic parents have you from birth, they don’t have to go through the same rigmarole of reeling you in that potential partner Narcissists do.  This is why the person you perceive as you rescuer seems so totally different.  Your parents are completely narcissistic in their attitude towards you from the day you are born.  As their offspring they know you are a captive; they don’t have to pretend to be anything other than what they are.  They are utterly selfish, demanding, cold and detached, because they can be.  They know you have nowhere to go, so why would they bother putting on a face.  This is why we don’t recognise the narcissist when they are in wooing mode.  They are wearing their ‘nice guy’ mask.  That mask can stay in place for a long time, with just subtle whisperings delivered passive aggressively over the years undermining your confidence. The ‘Thank God you met me’ sermon is delivered to you on a regular basis.

 

My recent revelation has been that another form of erosion on my self-confidence came from being looked after by a controlling personality type.  The controller is a very insecure person, with no confidence in their ability and no true sense of personal worth. They are well-meaning, however they compensate for their low self-esteem by taking over and trying to make themselves indispensable by always ‘doing’ for others.  This behaviour gets out of hand, with the underlying message being ‘you can’t do it I have to do it for you’.  This becomes etched on the sub-conscious, and when combined with the narcissist’s tendency to attack and belittle everything you want to do as an independent person your confidence becomes incredibly fragile.   Consciously you may realise that you are an intelligent capable person, but at a very deep sub conscious level the ‘you can’t do it’ message is playing in a constant loop.

 

I was completing some assignments recently; they were all going very well with consistently positive feedback.  One assignment came back with a request for some further information.  I sat it to one side.  It took me 2 months to come back to it.  Somewhere in me that voice told me I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t silence the voice and it paralysed me.  I was aware of what was happening.  It’s like being aware that one is afraid of heights.  The paralysis seems to offer an out.  Not completing something is less painful than failing and has less vicious repercussions.   Criticisms simply confirm what your sub conscious already knows.

 

This time I overcome it.  As with most phobias, it was silly yet terrifying.  Yesterday the assignment was restarted and completed, it wasn’t difficult. Facing the fear was. I could face it now because I know what it is I am facing. Previously it was just an abstract primal instinct.  The negative messages from my sub-conscious had been boosted somewhat by recent stressful events; I think when one is experiencing stress that the subconscious does become more strident  in directing us.

 

I was bullied as a child.  I had never defined it as such before.  I grew up in a culture where making fun of people is considered very amusing.  It can be incredibly vicious.  When you are a child and are in a very vulnerable position at home, it’s particularly distressing.  I was often reduced to tears with name calling and teasing..  Sometimes they did it so relentlessly that I became hysterical, the people responsible seemed to particularly enjoy that.  I grew up thinking it was my fault for being ‘too sensitive’. It was ok for them to do that to me because they were ‘only joking’.  Of course now I realise it wasn’t.  I was a child; they were harassing and bullying me.  There was nothing funny about it.  They were abusing the power they had over me. when you are clearly hurting someone, you cannot claim to be joking.  If it’s done in error, you apologise sincerely.  It is not up to you to decide what their level of sensitivity should be. You don’t know what it feels like to be them.   If you continue to goad someone who you have clearly offended and upset, you are a bully it’s as simple as that.  It’s so empowering to finally be able to say that.  I had a tough childhood.  I was sensitive.  That’s not a weakness on my part, I am sensitive to other people and now I’m learning to be sensitive to myself.  Sensitive and weak are not synonymous.  Bullying is weak

 

.In the past few weeks I’ve lost the anger I had towards the people in my past.  I always knew that we were all to a large extent, products of our life experience, with the odd genetic hard-wired element thrown in. I accept it more now. I recently described it as seeing the people in my life as they are and not as I think I need them to be.  I refused for so long to see traits that were staring me in the face, I know I can still fall in to that trap now.  I needed so badly for them to be the carer or the loving partner I couldn’t allow myself to see them as anything else.  Now I believe I can be my carer, and can love myself.  I can release everyone else to be who they truly are

Article about Tony Bates – Irish Psychologist and his battle with depression

 

 

 

http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/weekend/2012/0121/1224310554416.html

 

The above link is to a recommended article.  At some stage in our lives we all have to deal with depression, whether our own or that of a loved one, nobody escapes.  I agree with Tony Bates assertion that depression is a lesson life will keep teaching us until we learn it.  We really need to understand ourselves, and the core messages of our sub conscious in order to heal ourselves.  The black dog will continue to visit us until we help it  find it’s home, and finally take it back there for good.

There is a lot of support available to people suffering from or living with someone suffering from depression available within Australia.  Beyond Blue, Life Line, a Google search will give you lot’s of leads.

The key is that you do seek the information and help that is available and you do avail of it. If you are living with someone with chronic depression, chances are it is impacting you very deeply and you are not immune from becoming a sufferer yourself.  You may feel that it is a luxury you can’t afford because you are busy dealing with someone else’s issues, but I would suggest that you cant’ help anyone else unless you are helping yourself.  Just as you must love yourself before you can really give or receive love to others.

 

 

Recovering from a Passive Aggressive Partner – The White Ant effect

Understanding the nature of passive aggressive behaviour is certainly the first step.  The ‘aha’ moment when you read the phrase that suddenly makes sense of the last few years of your life.  The realisation that you were dealing with a characteristic of your partners personality;  not a series of random and unrelated events in your history as a couple.  When the final piece fits in to the puzzle it all seems so obvious, but as I have quoted before on this site ‘you don’t know what you don’t know.

If so inclined you set yourself on a path of recovery, trying to learn as much about yourself as you can.  You begin to feel better and stronger as a person.  It’s an incredibly worthwhile and life enriching journey.  However, beware the emotional ‘plateau’.

As with other forms of self-improvement like diet and exercise, it’s sometimes easy to believe once we’ve reached our target that our work is done.  We feel better after all.  We are justifiably proud of how far we have come.  We are survivors.  Yet without maintenance the backward slide begins, the weight creeps back, the fitness levels reduce and the emotional resilience may also come under some strain.

Understanding what you have experienced is I believe critical.  It is a step to understanding what makes you who you are.  I at first began to understand on an instinctive level, long before I had labels to refer to and knew the appropriate articles to read.  I knew there were certain things I needed to do, I needed  to get myself some assistance and arm myself with tools so I attended a counsellor to clear my mind, I took classes in assertiveness and meditation, and I spoke to people until I found some who had had similar experiences.  This all helped me enormously, I could never find words to express the gratitude I feel towards those people in particular for helping to restore my sense of balance.

Inevitably setbacks occur. You have bad days, or periods.  Times when you lose track of your life, take on too much, stop listening to your inner voice and simply become overwhelmed.   Sometimes these force you to stop and take stock again.  If you do,  they can provide you with a deeper insight in to yourself.

Recently I’ve come to realise that although on a conscious level I’ve learned to be a little more assertive and learned to appreciate my strengths as well as my weaknesses, that on a subconscious level there has been a whole other dialogue happening.  I think of it as the White Ant (Termite) effect.   Years of living with both controlling and Passive Aggressive people, being overtly and subtly undermined, was like having little eggs and larvae planted in to my subconscious.  I hadn’t realised how they had hatched out and had been eating away at my confidence from the core out until recently.  An example of how this has manifested is that I have become somewhat resistant to accepting help, unless it is in a situation where I feel I can reciprocate in equal measure e.g. I will accept help from someone looking after my children as long as I know I can repay the favour by looking after theirs.  Other than that I have gotten in to the habit of refusing help, no matter how much I’ve really needed it.  I didn’t think about it, I just did it.

It wasn’t until I was discussing it recently that it suddenly dawned on me that I’ve come to associate help with failure, it made me feel  judged as not good enough, not competent and not worthy.  This triggered all kinds of emotions.  When someone has been overbearing towards me in offering help, (and people can sometimes suffocate us with well  intentioned acts that generally hinder rather than help), I’ve drawn on my newly acquired assertiveness skills and on the surface I’ve handled it as best I could;  caused a little upset, but still felt a sense of progress that I’d stood up for myself.  However what I didn’t realise was that down below the surface in my subconscious the message was being reinforced, ‘they think you’re an incompetent failure that can’t do anything on your own, and if they think it, it must be true’.  When did I realise that this message was being played to me subliminally by my own subconscious?  When I almost went in to an anxiety fuelled meltdown at the idea that I might have to fend off their offers of help again!  I was trying to explain to someone why I found the prospect so stressful, and the more I tried the less sense it made.  I was stating the facts but the feelings I was having as a result were so disproportionate I felt like an idiot.  Suddenly it struck me, I was examining my thoughts and not my feelings.  It was pointed out to me that I was tackling another problem from the wrong end i.e. that instead of deciding on the outcome I wanted I was trying to come up with solutions first and hoping that somehow I would arrive some place I wanted to be.  What I should have been doing is deciding on where I wanted to end up and working backward from there to discover what is required to get there.  That was what I needed to do about my feelings also.  I needed to feel the feelings and work out what they actually were.  What I discovered was that they really weren’t specifically related to the prospective events I was describing at all.  They were simply my underlying feelings about myself, being  triggered . 

The pattern I anticipated  is that I would be offered help, refuse, and the person offering would be offended (they have their issues too around needing to feel needed – nobody gets through life baggage free!).As a result of this  I would feel guilty about declining,  being ungrateful for not accepting the offer, and yet  unable to accept because I feel at once unworthy and branded as a failure by it.  That is the basis of the internal dialogue that must play out when I’m not paying attention, but the message was deeply ingrained and the feelings that resulted from it came at me in a crippling rush.

The years of being taught to believe my needs, wants, desires, dreams, feelings, emotions etc etc etc were unimportant, secondary and ultimately irrelevant were still acting as an incubator for these insecurities.  The psychological White Ants  had grown from  the eggs laid by the Passive Aggressive and were still chomping away at my self-esteem.  The break through is that I realise it’s no longer because of how other people ‘make’ me feel, it’s all occurring inside of me now.  I described it to friends as that moment in the Movie ‘When a Stranger Calls’ when the heroine is told ‘he’s inside the house’.  All this time I’ve been teaching myself how to deal with what other people are saying to me, but I haven’t spent nearly enough time listening to and correcting what I’ve been saying to myself deep down inside myself. 

Only a person with low self-esteem will allow a Passive Aggressive to operate unchecked within their life.  I believe the essential belief that needs to be held in the subconscious is that ‘if someone else is saying it about me it must be true. The process then being that  I store it and disregard what I actually know to be true about myself.  It is a requirement of cohabiting with an active Passive Aggressive  that you put your faith in them, and none in your own judgment.  You allow them to wriggle out of all the commitments they make to you, all the promises, all the assurances while feeling guilty for noticing that they have.  Somehow you believe it must really be your fault, and that next time they really will do what they promised as long as you don’t give them a ‘reason’ not to.  You will occasionally challenge them, sometimes you will become furious with frustration and exasperation, you will let lose at them.  That will just serve their purpose though and they will simply point to it as the reason they are justified in letting you down yet again. You will probably end up apologising and be confused about how you felt entitled to feel let down and angry  in the first place.   Once more manipulated and put back in your box, with your White Ante infestation chomping away at your self-worth.

So that is the challenge.  The next phase of recovery.   How to exterminate these White Ants with their voracious appetites and their whispered messages?    I believe one way of getting rid of actual White Ants is to air them and shed light on them, I think the same might be true of these metaphorical ones.  Shine a light on your insecurities, question the feelings, what are the thoughts that are leading to those anxious doubtful feelings, what do they mean – light them up and flush them out. 

You know who you really are; you know you are a work in progress, striving to improve every day. You are as good as anyone else on the planet.  Teach yourself to think it and in time you’ll feel  it too. Deep down inside you the old script needs to be torn up and a new one written.  You’re the creative genius behind it now, nobody else but you.

Independence is your choice

 

Restarting takes effort, but it’s worth it.

I believe that independence is the key to being successful in any aspect of life.  With independence comes choice.  Financial independence allows us to create the life we want rather than the life that others may seek or have sought to impose upon us.  Independence and confidence go hand in hand. 

Confidence and belief are like an assertive force field that protects us and our goals.  Without this protection there is no end to the line of controlling manipulative people convinced they know better than us what we should be doing with our lives and how and where we should be living them. 

To build confidence from the ruins of a failed relationship, or failure of any kind, takes tenacity.  It takes a series of small steps and it takes the wisdom to stop and take stock of our progress and give ourselves credit for every move in the right direction, no matter how minute.

To become assertive when we are by nature passive takes practice.  For me it is an acting class rather than an attribute I truly inhabit.  I no longer see this as a flaw in myself, if I can ‘act’ assertively when required, that meets the requirement.  I have recently observed the differences in human nature by playing a simple scrabble game, some people play for the pleasure of interacting and connecting, playing their letters as best they can while shooting the breeze; other people have to win at all costs, employing every tool the internet can provide to ensure they maximise their score from each turn and beat their opponent at all costs.  I just don’t see the point of the latter, to me it’s a pyrrhic victory, rather than gaining something you’ve missed an opportunity to enrich a friendship, smell the roses so to speak.

The point of this post is to highlight the importance of being independent,  as a corner stone to any relationship you may have in the future.  To be your own person, stand on your own two feet and truly know who you are. Imagine how powerful a position that puts you in. It means you can take your time, you can live your life as you choose and you can attract someone to share your journey with you if you so desire.  Without that independence you are vulnerable to one of the biggest mistakes that we can make in our lives – you are liable to ‘settle’. 

If you are on shaky financial ground, you are not going to get back on your feet overnight – unless that lotto ticket really does have your lucky numbers or old aunt so and so falls off her perch leaving you all her money.  You are going to need to make a plan.  A realistic plan, with realistic goals and time frames.  Write your plan down and become very familiar with it. 

You need to think about the practical aspects of your life.  Do you earn enough money?  How can you earn more? Do you need to retrain?  Is there any Government assistance available to me? Am I entitled to help with education fee’s?  cheap loans? Etc.  Check out your local government’s websites, you may be surprised at what you learn.  Here in Victoria for example there is some excellent help available http://www.skills.vic.gov.au/.   If you don’t have luck on the internet, call some government agencies and don’t give up too easily.   

Balance has to be considered at all times, can you realistically balance education with your family and existing work commitments.  Is it worth taking time out of work to retrain, will the overall tax benefits make it worthwhile to do so?  Is it worth taking a short term job closer to home to save on travel time?  Can you study a course 100% online?    Remember that spending the next 12 months getting a diploma (if you don’t already have one) might be hard work, but at the end you will have increased your earning potential significantly.  You know how fast birthdays come around, just imagine between one birthday and the next you could change your career direction and your life.  Or you could do nothing and be no better off.  Which sounds better?  I’m not trying to play down the work and effort and motivation it will require, but even taking all that in to account it still beats the alternative by a mile.

You can take back control of your life.

 Even if you believe that you would like to be in a relationship, I think you can’t truly belong to someone unless you feel independent. This is the only way that you can give yourself of your own free will.  I don’t mean in any subordinate way, your partner would of course be giving themselves to you also.  I think in any relationship where one person feels dependent on other, that love can’t truly flourish. I think freedom is the oxygen of love and the proof of it’s existence.  Hence (to paraphrase)  ‘if you love them set them free, if they really love you they will return, if not they never loved you at all’

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/201111/would-you-take-your-spouse-back

Would You Take Your Spouse Back?

The answers most gave might surprise you. Published on November 13, 2011 by Susan Pease Gadoua in Contemplating Divorce

In my experience, when a person is the leavee, they often tell me initially they would take their spouse back if he or she wanted to come back to the marriage. This is true particularly when the spouse being left didn’t see it coming and didn’t think the problems in the marriage were “that bad.”

But then something interesting happens.

As the divorce proceedings take place, the leavee witnesses all kinds of behavior that they’d either never seen before or they had denial around (her selfish streak isn’t that bad!).

In 90% of the people I polled, there was an emphatic “NO!” when I asked this question even three months into the dissolution process. One woman had a classic response when asked if she would let her husband back in if he were to ask her to reconcile. In a word, “EW!” Another client told me that after his wife had him served with divorce papers on Valentine’s Day, he wasn’t sure if he could even look her in the eye again, never mind let her back in his bed!

 Divorce definitely doesn’t bring out the best in anyone and this is so for several reasons: 1. People are more afraid—it is a time when you have to spend more with less resources so your survival fears kick in (not to mention the added stress of being a single parent); 2. There are many unknowns and that can be unsettling; 3. You are at the mercy of others who don’t know your case as well as you do (including, at times, a judge who has the power to change your life drastically; 4. It is major upheaval for the entire family (including extended) as well as social circles; 5. It is an ending. This last reason deserves some special attention.

Endings are hard for most of us (even when it’s our decision to end the job or relationship, for example). It takes a great deal of maturity to contain all of your intense emotions and not act out in some way. 

People do jerky things when they are “needing” to not like the other in order to justify a break up. I often hear people talking about their spouse “demonizing” them and complaining more than usual just before dropping the “D” bomb on them (By the way, it may seem odd in the moment, but this all makes much more sense in retrospect).

Even when leavers know they are in the wrong, they can still try to turn things around and make the leavees feel they’ve done something terrible.

In one instance, a man who started an illicit affair that got outed by the daughter, tried to divert attention from his own wrongdoing and began accusing his soon-to-be-ex-wife of being an alcoholic. There was no basis for his accusations and the commotion about it soon died down but the woman (actually the same one who said, “EW!”) was devastated to be left in such a way and then have another layer of pain added on top of everything else.

Seeing the worst come out in the person you married can be scarring. Seeing the worst come out in yourself can be terrifying. Yet, in such a major transition as this, it is unfortunately not uncommon.

There are books you can read to help you make sense of things such as, The Script, by Elizabeth Landers and Vicki Mainzer, and Broken Open, by Elizabeth Lesser, and When Things Fall Apart, by Pema Chodron.

It’s also invaluable to get emotional support from professionals as well as from others who have been through something similar and who understand (as long as they want to heal with you or have already healed). Find a divorce support group in your area. If one doesn’t exist, feel free to contact me and I will try to help you locate support near you: info@changingmarriage.com.

The quotes that stuck with me..

When growing up I loved to read. Amongst all that I read two quotes leapt from the page at me. The first was as a child, from Black Beauty by Anna Sewell “Only ignorance! only ignorance! how can you talk about only ignorance? Don’t you know that it is the worst thing in the world, next to wickedness? — and which does the most mischief heaven only knows. If people can say, `Oh! I did not know, I did not mean any harm,’ they think it is all right”. The second I read in the book Tender is the Night by F Scott Fitzgerald, although it in fact originated with Thackaray: “The best I can wish you, my child, is a little misfortune.”
It’s strange how they’ve stuck with me and how increasingly true I find them. It is almost as though life throws out little guiding markers or prophetic clues to you, but alas, like the propehecies of Nostradamus they only become obvious in retrospect! It is so true that ignorance may be the cause of as much harm in the world as wickedness, it’s probable that it has been the cause of more. We can be equally harmed by good intent that pushes us in the wrong direction as we can by malice which in fact at times may strengthen our resolve to pursue our own course.
Indeed the very best we can hope for is a little misfortune, even the most charmed lives will at some point be hit by a tragedy of some proportion. Middle age unfurls a canvas awash with life’s dilemas and strife. So many things occur; marriages break down, parents become frail and/or pass away, peers succumb to various malaise and of course some will pass away also. People question where they are in life and why, and the result of this speculation may result in such a profound knee jerk reaction that all around them are sent reeling from the impact of the mid-life boot. If we pass through this particular valley of life relatively unscathed, thank God, the Universe and whoever else you can think of! If you are faced with a tragedy, health crisis, life altering event and you can muster the strength to work through it (and I know you can) – I sincerely congratulate you from the bottom of my heart. We all have it in us to make it through, but the challenges are there and shouldnt be played down – its a tough, rough bumpy ride. I know we can make it through – see you on the other side!!

PS I move house tomorrow – after more than 12 years here, the only home my children remember, our old dog lived and died here, a cat’s burried in the front yard (along with a number of unfortunate possums and birds that he took out before he himself departed for the next world courtesy of a car). It’s been an exhausting time, still an emotional hump to get over with the kids tomorrow, than on to the next phase of our lives. There are lots of happy memories here, lots of parties and gatherings, children born and growing up, kids playing in the pool with their cousins and friends. Also, memories of betrayal and lies and accute disapointment in people. It’s been life. I look forward to a new start in my own place, untainted by involvement in ugly legal battles in which a family unit was reduced to a transaction. It’s good to be a less Naieve person. There are so many great people in the world, I now know better than to waste another moment on people that are simply not worthy. rw

Information on Government entitlements and Saving Tips

Today tonight article on claiming monies from Centrlink and Tax Department

Potentially useful site for savings tips:

http://www.savingsguide.com.au/



An article on Positive Psychology from http://www.aipc.net.au

The following article is from the above link. It’s an interesting read on the mechanics of happiness. I particularly found the paragraph on ‘Flow’ eye opening. It made be think about what kind of task would put me in that frame of mind – just the idea of it is appealing.

I think understanding ourselves gives us the opportunity to make positive changes, to see where we can redirect ourselves towards a more fulfilling existance.

Increasingly I find that happiness comes from trusting in and following our own instincts. Attempting to follow all advice out of politeness or succumbing to peer pressure is defintely not the way to a happy fulfilled existance. I’ve found that I’ve done this for a long time, as I’ve sub conciously made a choice to sacrifice my own wants and needs in order to please other people, for fear of being rejected by them if I didnt. Its a behaviour that put me on a slippery slope, in every aspect. Often the one question I never asked was ‘Am I happy’ I was always more concerned with what I perceived to be meeting the expectations of others. This has led to less than satisfying relationships that I’ve stuck with because of fear of being judged ‘crazy’ for letting them go. If you’re dating someone with a good job for example, you must be mad if you dont want to continue dating them, no matter how unfilling and unsatisfying the relationship is on all levels – right?? – no wrong! Nobody else feels the feelings or experiences the moments that make up your life. If you are unhappy be honest with yourself and all concerned, but don’t soldier on, it’s a diservice to everyone.

I think the secret to my personal happiness is to be Independant and make my own mistakes and deal with the consequences. So far, in spite of all the mulitude of mistakes I’ve made throughout my life I feel that on balance I’m doing ok, and things have worked out best for me when I’ve listened to me.

http://www.aipc.net.au/ezine/template/aipc/aipc_01.php?id=2008

Happiness and Positive Psychology

Positive Psychology’s primary focus is on what   people do right to obtain and maintain optimum happiness (Compton, 2005), by   striving to understand and help people develop qualities that lead to greater   personal fulfilment.

The premise of positive psychology is to promote   factors that allow individuals to thrive and flourish by encouraging a change   of focus in psychology from a preoccupation with repairing the worst things   to a greater emphasis on discovering and building upon positive qualities.

Understanding Positive Psychology

As a science, positive psychology is the   scientific study of positive experiences and positive individual traits. It   is a field concerned with wellbeing and optimal functioning, and aims to   broaden the focus of clinical psychology beyond suffering. Positive   psychology denotes that troubled people want more satisfaction, contentment   and joy not just less sadness and worry. The belief is that those who suffer   want to build the strengths and not just correct their weaknesses (Duckworth,   Steen & Seligman, 2005). The term Positive Psychology was coined   by Martin Seligman, a past president of the American Psychological   Association (APA), in 1998.

Positive Psychology is focused on the following:

1. It takes interest in subjective experiences such   as subjective wellbeing/happiness, flow, joy, optimism and hope.

2. It has an interest in the thriving individual,   paying particular attention to character strengths and virtues such as   courage, perseverance, open-mindedness and wisdom.

3. It aims to identify, study and enhance those   qualities that improve on the positive subjective experiences and adaptive   personality traits of individuals (Robbins, 2008).

Positive psychology is firmly based on humanistic   theory. The premise of this discipline, like the humanistic approach,   focuses on enhancing human potential. Positive psychology recognises that   people can and do adapt and adjust to life in highly creative ways allowing   them to feel good about life. In this context positive psychology has a keen   interest in finding out what works and what is right with individuals and the   way they choose to live their life, work and relate (Joseph & Linley,   2006).

At the individual level, positive psychology is   about positive individual traits: the capacity for love and vocation,   courage, interpersonal skills, aesthetic sensibility, perseverance,   forgiveness, originality, future mindedness, spirituality, high talent and   wisdom. At the group level it is about virtues and the institutions that move   individuals towards better citizenship, responsibility, nurturance, altruism,   civility, moderation, tolerance and work ethic (Joseph & Linley, 2006).

Assumptions of Positive Psychology

The most basic assumption of positive psychology   is that human goodness and excellence are as authentic as disorders and   distress and therefore deserve equal attention from mental health   practitioners. The discipline of positive psychology is primarily focused on   the promotion of the good life. The good life refers to those factors that   contribute most predominately to a well lived life. Qualities that define the   good life are those that enrich our lives, make life worth living and foster   strong character (Compton, 2005).

Seligman (2002) defines good life as a   combination of three elements: Positive connection to others or positive   subjective experience; Positive individual traits and; Life regulation   qualities.

Positive connection refers to aspects of our   behaviour that contribute to positive connectedness to others. It is the   positive subjective experiences that includes the ability to love, forgive,   and the presence of spiritual connections, happiness and life satisfaction   that combine to help and create a sense of deeper meaning and purpose in   life. Positive individual traits may include such things as a sense of   integrity, the ability to be creative, and the presence of virtues such as   courage and humility.

Life regulation qualities are those qualities   that allow us to regulate our day to day behaviour in such a way that we can   accomplish our goals. Some of these qualities include a sense of   individuality or autonomy, a high degree of a healthy self-control and wisdom   to guide behaviour. According to positive psychology, the good life must also   include the relationship with other people and the society as a whole (Park   & Peterson, 2008; Duckworth, Steen & Seligman, 2005).

A primary goal of what could be termed as the   positive psychology movement is to be a catalyst for change in the focus of   psychology from a preoccupation with repairing the worst things in life to   also building positive qualities (Joseph & Linley, 2006). This is   especially relevant to the therapeutic context, since positive psychologists   would argue that the role of the therapist is not to simply alleviate   distress and leave the person free from symptomatology, but also to   facilitate wellbeing and fulfilment which is not only a worthwhile goal in   its own right, it also serves as a preventive function that buffers against   future psychopathology and even recovery from illness (Joseph & Linley,   2006).

Contributions to Happiness

The concept of happiness is the corner stone of   the assumptions of positive psychology. Happiness is characterised by the   experience of more frequent positive affective states than negative ones as well   as a perception that one is progressing toward important life goals (Tkach   & Lyubomirsky, 2006). Identifying factors that contribute to happiness   has proven to be challenging. Interestingly though, one thing that does stand   out in the research to date is that the attainment and pursuit of pleasure   may not always lead to happiness.

Certain kinds of environmental factors or   conditions have been found to be associated with happiness and include such   things as; individual income, labour market status, health, family, social   relationships, moral values and many others (Carr, 2004; Selim, 2008; Diener,   Oishi & Lucas, 2003). Ultimately, in the pursuit of understanding   happiness, there are two main theoretical perspectives which focus on   addressing the question of what makes people feel good and happy. These are   the hedonic and eudaimonic approaches to happiness (Keyes, Shmotkin, &   Ryff, 2002).

Hedonic well-being is based on the notion that increased pleasure   and decreased pain leads to happiness. Hedonic concepts are based on the   notion of subjective well-being. Subjective well-being is a scientific term   that is commonly used to denote the ‘happy or good life’. It comprises of an   affective component (high positive affect and low negative affect) and a   cognitive component (satisfaction with life). It is proposed that an   individual experiences happiness when positive affect and satisfaction with   life are both high (Carruthers & Hood, 2004).

Eudaimonic well-being, on the other hand, is strongly reliant on   Maslow’s ideas of self-actualisation and Roger’s concept of the fully   functioning person and their subjective wellbeing. Eudaimonic happiness is   therefore based on the premise that people feel happy if they experience life   purpose, challenges and growth.

This approach adopts Self-Determination Theory to   conceptualise happiness (Keyes et al., 2002; Deci & Ryan, 2000).   Self-determination theory suggests that happiness is related to fulfilment in   the areas of autonomy and competence. From this perspective, by engaging in   eudaimonic pursuits, subjective wellbeing (happiness) will occur as a   by-product.

Thus, life purpose and higher order meaning are   believed to produce happiness. It appears that the general consensus is that   happiness does not result from the pursuit of pleasure but from the   development of individual strengths and virtues which ties in with the   concept of positive psychology (Vella-Brodrick, Park & Peterson, 2009).   The differences between eudaimonic and hedonic happiness are listed below   (adapted from: Carruthers, C.P., & Hood, C.D., 2004).

Hedonic (Subjective Wellbeing): Presence of positive mood Absence of negative   mood; Satisfaction with various domains of life (e.g. work, leisure); Global   life satisfaction.

Eudaimonic (Psychological Wellbeing): Sense of control or autonomy; Feeling of   meaning and purpose; Personal expressiveness; Feelings of belongingness;   Social contribution; Competence

Personal growth; Self-acceptance.

Positive Psychology views happiness from both the   hedonistic and eudaimonic view in which they define happiness in terms of the   pleasant life, the good life and the meaningful life (Norrish &   Vella-Brodrick, 2008). Peterson et al. identified three pathways to happiness   from the positive psychological view:

Pleasure is the process of maximising positive   emotion and minimising negative emotion   and is referred to as the pleasant life which involves enjoyable and positive   experiences. Engagement is the process of being immersed and absorbed in   the task at hand and is referred to as the good life which involves being   actively involved in life and all that it requires and demands. Thus the good   life is considered to result from the individual cultivating and investing   their signature strengths and virtues into their relationships, work and leisure   (Seligman, 2002) thus applying the best of self during challenging activities   that results in growth and a feeling of competence and satisfaction that   brings about happiness.

Meaning is the process of having a higher purpose   in life than ourselves and is referred to   as the meaningful life which involves using our strengths and personal   qualities to serve this higher purpose. The meaningful life, like the good   life, involves the individual applying their signature strengths in   activities, but the difference is that these activities are perceived to   contribute to the greater good in the meaningful life.

Ultimately, it is a combination of each of these   three elements described above that positive psychology suggests would   constitute authentic and stable happiness (Vella-Brodrick, Park &   Peterson, 2009; Carruthers & Hood, 2004).

Flow and happiness

Another key contribution positive psychology has   made to our understanding of the qualities and attributes of well-being is in   the concept of flow. Flow is defined as an optimal state of engagement,   happiness and peak experience that occurs when an individual is absorbed in   an intrinsically motivating challenge (Norrish & Vella-Brodrick, 2008).   Flow is typically characterised by being immersed in a specific activity that   incorporates the following elements:

1. Concentration toward the task at hand that   appears effortless and is not associated with mental strain or aggressive   efforts to repress or control thinking (Vella-Brodrick, Park & Peterson,   2009),

2. Involvement in the task to the point where   there is no need to think about what needs to be done before it is done   (Vella-Brodrick, Park & Peterson, 2009), and

3. Enjoyment through being involved in and doing   the specific activity (Vella-Brodrick, Park & Peterson, 2009).

The state of flow has been implicated in the   pathways to happiness and thus expands further the concept of happiness   beyond the pleasure state. To conclude on the influence of flow Csikszentmihalyi (1990) suggests that   happiness is brought on by the experience of flow that allows people to enjoy   life and function better in a number of different contexts.

Personality Traits and Happiness

Personality studies indicate that happy and   unhappy people have distinctive personality profiles. For example, happy   people tend to be more extraverted, optimistic and usually have high   self-esteem. Happiness is also considered to be an emotion produced by   positive and negative events and experiences (Selim, 2008). Interestingly, a   number of reports have shown that extraverted individuals are happier than   introverted individuals in the context of a broad range of life experiences   (Carr, 2004; Tkach & Lyubomirsky, 2006; Furnham & Christoforou,   2007).

This has been attributed to the idea that   extraverts react more strongly to positive stimuli designed to induce   positive emotions when compared to introverts. Extraverts are also reported   to have a better fit with their social environment that may trigger positive   emotions of happiness. As such, extraverts are more likely to experience   happiness than introverts who may not thrive in similar social settings   (Furnham & Christoforou, 2007; Carr, 2004). Happiness has also shown to   be associated with easy sociability that involves natural, pleasant   interaction with other people, another attribute typical of the extravert.   Happiness of extraverts can be partially explained by their choice of   enjoyable situations while those that are socially unskilled (e.g.   introverts) may avoid such situations.

In contrast, unhappy people tend to have high   levels of neuroticism. Neuroticism is the tendency to be vulnerable to   feelings of anxiety and depression when faced with potentially stressful   situations. Thus unhappy people are believed to be more reactive to   unpleasant emotional stimuli compared to happier counterparts under the same   conditions (Diener, Oishi & Lucas, 2003). Hofer, Busch and Kiessling   (2008) support this point of view in stating that neuroticism is negatively   associated with subjective wellbeing (happiness) while openness to   experience, agreeableness, extraversion and conscientiousness are positively   related to subjective wellbeing (happiness).

Biology of happiness

This view purports that Individuals are born with   the genetic makeup to be either “very” happy, reasonably content, or   chronically dissatisfied. Positive emotions have been shown to coincide with   higher levels of activity on the left side of the brain’s prefrontal lobes. A   key player seems to be the neurotransmitter dopamine, which carries “feel   good” messages between brain cells.

High levels of dopamine have been implicated in   feelings of happiness while low levels may result in feelings of depression.   Lykken and Tellegen (1996) concluded from their study of twins that most   people have an average level of happiness or a “set point” that is innate in   them and therefore independent of environmental factors.

They suggest that after we adjust to the effects   of temporary highs and lows in emotionality (for example, happiness and   sadness) we return to our biological “set point”. While it is understood that   very intense feelings of joy or sadness may keep people off their “set point”   for somewhat longer periods, it is believed that eventually every one returns   to their baseline level of wellbeing that is believed to be set by genetics   (Compton, 2005).

From the biological perspective, depending on an   individual’s genes, some people may have a natural enthusiasm for life,   deriving pleasure from ordinary activities, or may require unusual   adventures. But regardless of what makes us happy, a quiet walk or a jungle   safari, after the initial high, we return to our happiness set-point   regulated by our level of dopamine. For some people it is suggested that   their set point may lean towards positive emotionality (high level of   dopamine) whereby they will tend to be cheerful most of the time. Those with   a set point directed more towards negative emotionality (low dopamine) will   tend to gravitate toward varying degrees of pessimism and anxiety. It is also   proposed that the biologically-programmed set-point isn’t really a point,   it’s a range.

In this context we can influence this rage thus   being able to alter our “set point” by creating an environment that is more   conducive to feelings of happiness. That is why factors such as family   environment, education level, and cultural factors all have an impact on an   individual’s sense of happiness and wellbeing (Compton, 2005). Thus, rather   than being a carte blanche on the individual’s state of happiness, the   biological view still considers environmental factors to be an influence on   the more enduring trait of happiness but only within the confines of a   set-point range.

Happiness and Culture

When it comes to happiness, culture is considered   to play a significant role. Researchers have concluded that most people   across the globe do desire some form and degree of happiness. But that   pursuit of happiness varies greatly depending on one’s culture and   circumstances (Carr, 2004). For example, very poor nations and those in   dramatic political change invariably report the lowest levels of subjective   well-being.

Conversely, many of the wealthy and democratic   Scandinavian countries consistently report the highest levels of happiness.   But a culture can also be poor in resources and rich in happiness as well.   Latin American nations, for example, appear to have a more positive   orientation and value happiness more than other countries (Maddux, 2004). At   the other end of the scale, East Asian and African nations often place other   values ahead of happiness, such as mastery and pleasing one’s family or group   (Carr, 2004).

Thus, how we individually define and experience   happiness has as much to do with our cultural influences as it does with our   personality, biological dispositions, personal goals and other individual   factors. What this means is that while most people in practically every   society will likely desire some form of well-being (both psychologically and   physically), what they value will greatly determine what shape that pursuit   of happiness is and what it will look like once acquired.

Because of such cultural variance in what factors   contribute to high levels of happiness and well-being, it must be concluded   that there are more determinants to happiness beyond the scope of what   positive psychology currently understands. What is perhaps important to   understand is that each culture finds its own sources of well-being and   maximises these by building from their own cultural resources to pursue their   own individual happiness.

Authentic Happiness

Positive psychology uses the term authentic   happiness to describe the combination of behaviours that constitutes   happiness and a good life. Authenticity in this context refers to both the   ability to recognise and take responsibility for one’s own psychological   experiences and the ability to act in ways that are consistent with those   experiences. Authentic happiness is thought to derive from the identification   and cultivation of signature strengths and virtues (Robbins, 2009).

Thus, authentic happiness suggests that we all   have signature strengths that we use in challenging times to bring about   change. The idea is that individuals should focus on their strengths and not   their weaknesses in order to attain authentic happiness. The focus is on   drawing on those strengths and using them as tools to maximise meaningful   life. Greater authenticity was also linked to less depression and less   perceived stress and fewer complaints of physical problems, creating a   conducive climate for happiness (Compton, 2005).

Seligman (2002) differentiates between strengths   and talents as they are often confused in the identification of individual   signature strengths. It is suggested that strengths are moral traits while   talents are innate. Talents are said to be relatively automatic whereas   strengths are more voluntary. Although talent does not involve a choice about   possessing it, there is a choice of whether to burnish it and where to deploy   it.

Strength on the other hand involves choices about   when to use it and whether to keep building it

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Interesting Article from the AIPC

http://www.aipc.net.au/articles/?p=173

A lesson on perspective from Emmanuel on X Factor Australia

Emmanuel Audtion X Factor Australis 29 August 2011 

It’s always good to be reminded that with the right attitude we can pretty much rise to any challenge. 

Bitterness is always an easy option, but gets us nowhere.  People like Emmanuel are a lesson to us all in simply getting on with life and making the best of any situation. It’s a rare quality, like Nelson Mandela to suffer so much at the hands of other people and instead of being eaten up by hatred and resentment, to simply show good grace and do the best to make the best of your own life.  I think that’s the true definition of Heroic.

Looking good feeling good..

It’s important to feel good about yourself.  This of course is a complex process.  It has to be done from the inside out, you must feel good about who you are above what you look like.  However, sometimes, to boost our confidence in day to day circumstances it’s important to feel that we are making the best of our external appearance.

Fashions change rapidly and it can be difficult to keep up with what’s currently in and what’s definitely out.  However these days there are a number of columists hard at work writing articles about not only the latest trends, but how to apply them.

I’m assuming most people reading this column may be on a tight or virtually non  existant budget, however I’d still recomend referring to these columns as they give you the framework that you need to work within.  When they talk about a $200 serum for example, they will explain it’s pros and cons and how it should be applied.  You dont have to go and buy the top of the range, rest assured that within a couple of months of a high end product being released there will be a down market version just as effective sitting on the shelf at Aldi.  Note, not all down market versions are good, but there are a lot that are.

Aldi is a good hunting round – their Q10 cream for example rivals the best of them. Boots creams are also great and can be bought worldwide via ebay.

Get the ideas and outlines from the columns e.g. in the attached from the guardian (I particularly like this columnist) she refers to heated rollers – these are great, she says expect to pay 30 pounds, i went on ebay and found some for less than a third of that price. 

Ebay is a fantastic hunting ground for updating your wardrobe.  The key things to remember are be realisitc and honest about your body size ie measurements and shape. Learn to understand what suits you, not just what fits you or whats in your price range.  The number one criteria has to be what is going to look good on you – find that first, from there find your price range and size.  I think if you google you will find some tips from the ‘What not to wear’ series about what suits different body shapes. 

If you have time and a good friend, take them along on a shopping spree with you – get them to take photos of you trying on different clothes and than look at the pictures very critically to see what works and what doesnt.  We are so unatural when we look at ourselves  in the mirror, we suck in and stand at all kinds of odd angles, sometimes a photo gives us a much more honest representation.

On youtube there are numerous videos demonstrating new make up styles.  If you havent updated your method of make up application in more than 2 years – it’s time you did.  Things have changed and there are new shades, styles, shapes that will bring your look right up to date.

Hair is not to be underestimated.  A few minutes spent blow waving your hair, applying a little product and straightening or curling will make a huge difference to how you look and consequently how confident you feel for the whole day.  The beauty of straightening is that it lasts a few days.  Again, you can buy great hair care products from ebay for much less than you’d expect to pay retail.

Looking  your best doesnt have to be about being shallow or vain.  Its about telling the world you care about yourself and having that reflected back to you.  It is amazing how a few small steps will make you feel so much more confident.  The mineral powders are great, a quick swish over your face with the oversize brush and you look brighter and healthier, a quick slick of mascara and your eyes become more of a focal point.  A red lipstick will always make a bold statement, and suits all colouring

I’m still loving wearing dresses.  I didn’t wear them for years, now I find it so easy just to throw a dress on.  I really like anything with a v or round neck, wrap dresses suit everyone.  I try to avoid high necks and collars because I think it makes my torso look big and bulky, by having the dip around the neckline it breaks up the bulk of the body and is much more flattering.  Belts and fitted shapes are really in right now, this is a great boost to the fuller figure.  Shape is the friend of the shapely figure!

Here is a link to the columnist I was referring to.  Enjoy learning new ways to make the most of yourself x

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/aug/12/beauty-gadgets-sali-hughes?intcmp=239

There’s more to us

 

Big life changing events can become all consuming. They can define us if we allow them to.  Throughout our lives we can be the VCE student, the Uni Student, the Athlete, the girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife, the employee, the pregnant woman, the parent, the committee member.  Usually these labels can happily co-exist, however some events, if left unmanaged, particularly traumatic ones , can sweep through all of our other characteristics like a bush fire, stripping us of all the complexity of our identity and defining us as a one dimensional entitiy.  Events such as Divorce, Bereavement and major illness appear to follow this track.

Suddenly the event becomes our only topic of conversation, it consumes our thoughts, dealing with it, living through it, surviving it – it sucks the oxygen  from our lives.  If allowed to for long enough, it creates a sense of disconnect with ourselves.  We lose ourselves.  We lose our interests, deny our passions.

It’s an easy pit to fall into.  In fact it’s almost inevitable that we will spend some time in this state of blinkered existence.  However, it’s not inevitable that we stay there.

We are made up of so many layers, so many interests, so many connections to other people and things in our environment, we can reconnect to them and in so doing to ourselves.  We can also open our mind to new things, add strings to our bows.

We don’t want to spend our lives identifying ourselves as a ‘Divorcee’ or a ‘Cancer Survivor’; they are events, phases, periods.  As hugely significant as they are, we are so much more than just that.

Go back in your mind to a time before your life was impacted by the major event that has caused you to pause, close your eyes and sense and experience who you once were, what made you tick, what did you do for enjoyment, what interested you, who were the friends you looked forward to seeing, what in your happiest time would have been your dream? Ask yourself these type of questions, get back in to the you that you used to be.  Not because you want to go backwards, simply to find a starting point from which you can move forward. 

You’re ready to start fulfilling your true potential, what about you do you want to take forward and what do you want to leave behind.  Write a list of each.  Take the list of what you want to leave behind and read it, than tear it up and throw it away.  Take the list of what you want to take with you, it may be your good attributes or your dreams, fold it and put it safely in your wallet.  Take it with you. 

Think of something you love to do and make a plan to do it.  Read that newspaper, have that political debate with your friend, go buy plants for the garden and make a plan for how you want it to be, check out what’s on in the cinema and make a plan to go.  If you would like to meet new people to share your interests with check out sites like meetup.com, you’ll find you’re not alone.

You are so much more than the events that have shaken you.  You are not a victim; you are a strong vibrant person, with a lot of life ahead of you.  Set yourself lose and get on with enjoying your life.

Introducing ‘Money and Happiness’: Laura Rowley Helps You Find Both

This is an extract of the above article from Dailyfinance.com, I think her articles may be worth following, if only to germinate the mindset required to manage our finances and therefore increase the choices we are able to make in the future.

Irene Lieber was living in a Brooklyn apartment, scraping by on $759 a month in Social Security, when I met her in 2007. Her credit card had been stolen, and a collection agency was hounding her for charges she never incurred. She ignored them. The agency won a $46,000 claim against her.

That same year, I met Paddy Page, a single mother of four in Idaho. After leaving an abusive spouse, she earned her GED and got a full-time job as a bill collector. Making ends meet on $12 an hour was tough, but her bank made it tougher: Instead of rejecting her debit card when the account ran dry, it socked her with $500 in overdraft fees.

These are the sorts of commonplace household money disasters that have moved me to spend the last quarter-century working as a journalist, helping ordinary people navigate the minefield of personal finance while exploring the relationship between money and happiness. These are the sorts of voices I will be drawing on often as I now launch my new column here at DailyFinance — a column aimed at helping you make enlightened decisions about how to manage your money, while steering clear of the pitfalls.

The pitfalls have been multiplying. Never in recent memory have so many conventional ideas about household finance been so strenuously tested. For generations, Americans could count on hard work and common sense being rewarded with a decent standard of living. But today, with nearly 14 million people unemployed (and that’s just the “official” number), retirement savings subject to a volatile stock market, a foreclosure crisis continuing, and growing fears that we may face a double-dip recession, the very notion of the American middle class seems in peril. Opportunists prey on those in desperate straits, while all but the wealthiest confront anxiety and confusion.

The Devil Is in the Debt Tales

At the center of many of our troubles is an untenable debt load, the result of years of speculation on real estate, and an over-reliance on credit cards to compensate for inadequate income.

Debt is a subject on which I’ve done a lot of thinking. I grew up the tenth of eleven children in an Irish Catholic family on the South Side of Chicago. My parents believed in hard work, education, board game tournaments and marching into church on Sunday in the order you came from God. Being Depression-era kids, my parents also avoided debt in all its forms.

See full article from DailyFinance: http://srph.it/q0Z4al

John Gottman lectures on the best predictor of divorce

John Gottman lectures on  the best predictor of divorce

John Gottman lecture on The best predictor for Divorce

Raising emotionally intelligent children – John Gottman lecture

 

One thing I think all caring parents worry about is the potential damage we may be doing our children during  the course or their  upbringing.  This becomes even more heightened for people that have gone through major upheaval in life.

John Gottman is someone I’ve just been introduced to,  he is primarily known as a relationship expert.  The attached video is very interesting and I found it to be very helpful.

John Gottman Lecture at the Talaris institute on raising emotionally intelligent children

Are you ready for a new relationship?

 

 

Are you ready to start dating again?  Do you really want to?  What do you want /expect to get out of it? Can you picture yourself in the reality of a committed relationship?

There comes a point when these questions need to be answered.  I’ve Googled some advice on the subject, and it occurred to me that all of these ‘relationship readiness’ check lists really need to be applied to your prospective partner as much as to yourself.

Chances are that the person you may end up dating will be in a similar situation, i.e. divorced or recovering from a break up or life change of some sort.  If not, you may need to question why if they are so used to being single they want to date you now.

It is a difficult road to navigate. The problem as I recently tweeted is that as women we often go for the man that has ‘get up and go’, the problem is that when their mid-life crisis kicks in, they spiral in to melt down and then ‘get up and go’ lol.  So what kind of partner do you now look for?

If considering dating a man that has a demanding career and potentially an ex and some children of their own to consider, you may find that the whole dating landscape is vastly different to what you were used to in your youth.  You will find yourself competing with a all kinds of different pressures and demands, and may often wonder if you will ever rise to the top of the priority list.

By the time we reach middle age, we’ve all picked up a bit of baggage along the way, hang ups and insecurities.  We may have been confident people a few years ago, but that may have been rocked by our divorce.  This may also apply to our prospective partner and can lead to all kinds of emotional unavailability, unless both people are fully aware and prepared to work on it. 

Leaving behind the hurts and slights of the previous relationship is essential but not always easy. 

This will be the first of many blogs, it’s just an opener to get us thinking about it.  Going back in to the dating arena can lead to all kinds of emotional obstacles to circumnavigate.  There will be pressure from friends and family to contend with.  Often you feel the weight of expectation from people that are desparate to see you happy, and it can be difficult to convey to them the complexity of what you are going through, because often our reservations are based on personal and private reasons that we simply don’t wish to discuss with others, and often they are based on gut feelings that we find difficult to articulate. The main thing to remember is that you can only make yourself happy, so don’t waste too much energy defending your decisions to hold back on a relationship with others.  It’s good to hear advice, but ultimately you need to work things out at your own pace and in your own way.  If you are going through a stressful time, it’s not ideal to enter in to a relationship at that point.  It’s not fair to either person involved.  Don’t also be a martyr patiently ‘waiting out’  someone elses stressful time, it’s one thing to do this in an already established relationship, but to begin one this way, you are simply setting yourself up to be taken for granted as the good old sport/martyr, human nature being what it is, I think that once you are perceived this way in the subconscious of your new partner, you are going to be working up hill to be completely appreciated in the future. 

So this is just an entre in to this subject, it’s late but I wanted to post something today, so it’s all a rush as always, I dream of doing this at leisure one day! Maybe even spell and grammar checking properly before I hit post!

 Here’s some of the links I Googled so far.

http://rhomylly.hubpages.com/hub/Are_You_Even_Ready_for_a_Serious_Relationship_5_Ways_to_Tell

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/81

http://quizfarm.com/quizzes/Relationships/lizurrd/are-you-ready-for-a-new-relationship/

http://ezinearticles.com/?Ready-for-a-Relationship?-10-Good-Tips-to-Know&id=440512

Declare independence & Relax

 

Relaxation is incredibly important.  If you are going through upheaval, it is something that ironically has to be worked at.

Currently I’m preparing to move house, which involves downsizing, and therefore getting rid of a lot of things accumulated duirng my 16 years of married life,  dividing some things with my ex,  deciding on what is to be kept and what no longer has a place in my life.

It also involves dealing with banks, utility companies, transfering all bills, Pensions, gym, health insurance, car insurance, car registration etc etc etc .  For this moving task,  to avoid or at least minimise  catastrophe,  I resort to a check list.  As moving house is a fairly standard activity there are numerous pro forma check lists on line so I’ve used one as a basis and added my own individual items.  Going through bank statements is also a good way of identifying who you pay and therefore who you need to notify that you’re moving , including your employer. Getting mail forwarded to the new address for several months is also essential as there will always be something overlooked.

No check list is perfect, but moving without one is very much working without a safety net.  I don’t need thrills at this poiont!

As there is also an emotional component to the move, and because I am not part of a couple,  there is also a flood of unsolicited and contradictory advice coming at me from many quarters, all well meaning and well intentioned and some  helpful, although the latter category is generally made up of things I would have asked about when I needed to.  This can be hard to deal with when operating under a lot of stress, as with minimal time and resources, it takes a lot of energy to explain everything you’re doing and why you are doing it this way and not the way they are suggesting etc.  It’s very draining.  It’s important to try to deal with this upfront and as diplomatically as possible, recognising it as being meant well etc. and ensuring that not too much time and energy is diverted to it.  I’ve attached a couple of links to sites with relaxation tips and one which goes to a site which has several articles with tips on dealing with unsolicited advice.

Help and good intentions are greatly appreciated, but when time is a rare luxury it causes more stress to have to spend half your time defending your decisions.  It is great to run things by people, and being single this tends to be spread a bit amongst family and friends because I dont have a partner to run things by; however,  sometimes when you are simply soundboarding it is interpreted as a request to be ‘managed’.   I’m currently trying to work out  a way of making it clear when I am either venting, sound boarding or asking for help/advice.  I think it may mean that some things just cannot be discussed with some people as their instinct to help/manage will over ride any signals I send.  It’s just human nature, we all have different personality types, we just need to learn to deal with people as the individuals they are,  and not be taken aback when they behave accordingly. We should expect to be accepted for the person we are (within reason and respectful bounds) .

Of course we’ll make mistakes, and our way is not always the best way, but I think the biggest mistake of all is to try to follow the advice of everyone rather than risk offending, and subsequently wind up doing things we dont want to do , to achieve outcomes we dont really want.  Attempting to keep everyone happy results in general chagrin. 

Hopefully I will learn from any mistake I make, learn a lot, take on some advice that adds value, continue to appreciate all the help I am being and have been given  and nothing will be too serious.

I just need to remember to breath very deeply, pretty much all the time !

http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/relaxation-technique/

http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/docs/17.RelaxationSheetQuickRelaxationTechniques.pdf

http://stress.about.com/od/relationships/ht/handle_advice.htm

Think about money

This is a provocative article, designed to lift readership by getting women up in arms and misogynists smugly sneering.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2023555/Were-independent–STILL-rely-men-sort-finances-.html

However, it is worth reading – every sensationalist piece of journalism contains a grain of truth – however distorted it may be by the time it has been exploited. 

I agree with the premise that Financial and Physical health need to be managed with equal diligence.  I completely refute the notion that women are somehow less competent in the management of money than men are, however, it is fact that women are still very often paid less than men, and that women that have children are still most likely to be the parent that interrupts their career, sometimes for extended periods to raise children.

Regardless of gender physical health is obviously our most important goal, however optimising our financial health is a close second.  Financial stress, translates to physical stress and health issue , not to mention strain on all of our relationships.

I am not trying to preach doom and gloom, just to raise awareness that some kind of financial plan is usually better than none. We all need to think about how best to plan for our futures.  I am no financial genius or expert, and I am only getting back on track myself  in terms of setting financial goals.  It is daunting to face the financial music,  and it’s tempting to go in to the mode of avoidance and denial.

 It can also be very hard to break the habit of buying ourselves things to make ourselves feel a little better about our lives. Shopping like eating  can be an emotional anaesthetic.  Often others pile on the pressure too, they either just don’t empathise with the reality of our circumstance or  they want our lives to look normal and show superficial signs of prosperity, they encourage us to treat ourselves and invite us to things that are beyond our budget.  Just as true as the adage relating to chocolate ie ‘minute on the lips a lifetime on the hips’, one can say that ‘a minute at the Til results in a lifetime paying the credit card bill’.   Pride can make this kind of peer pressure hard to resist.  Nobody enjoys being pitied or feeling ‘poor’, it’s particularly hard to stomach if money wasn’t previously an object, and today’s society seems to encourage bragging and building ourselves up based on having more than others.   The irony is that these short sighted acts to avoid the feeling of being and having less are what actually drive us in to the poverty trap.  We need to get real, stop trying to create the impression of prosperity and focus instead on creating the reality of it.

Things we need to recognise are, being out of work impacts on our long term financial health.  When deciding on how long to take off work to care for children, don’t naïvely think it’s all going to be sunbathed white basinets and grateful smiling children from 0 yearrs through to puberty, because we have made this financial ‘sacrifice’.  There is at least a 50% chance that married women who give up their careers to raise children, will find themselves divorced, with a much lower contribution towards the upkeep of the children than they may have grown accustomed to and more limited personal earning potential.  This has many side effects, it is stressful and it is disempowering on multiple levels.  If the children are young, one is not as flexible as one otherwise might be, if one doesn’t have willing family support one has to rush back on time to pick up from child support or afterschool care.  It’s a tough gig.  You might find yourself working flat out all day only to be frowned upon because you leave on time to pick up your children, that’s another story..

You may fight your case legally to ensure you are paid the appropriate level of child support by your ex, however if they don’t make their payments exactly on time when they should, this is looked at by any financial institution you may approach for a loan, it makes them view you as a higher risk.  Another thing is that the banks will consider your children as dependents (of course) when assessing how much money they will loan you, however if your child is 13 or older they many not include your child support as part of your income.  The rule of thumb seems to be that you have to prove a legal entitlement to at least 5 or  more years child support for the child, in order for that support to be counted, irrespective of whether they count your child support as part of your income they will still count that child as a liability – thus significantly reducing your borrowing power.  It is an injustice that recipients of child support are still held financial hostage by the whim of their ex and their willingness or discipline to make payments on time. 

Another thing to be aware of is the type of employment you seek.  If you want to be eligible for a mortgage  or even a car loan, you will need to be employed on a permanent basis for a minimum of 3 months. The banks will go through your financial records with a fine tooth comb.  You will need to make a lot of personal information available to them, copies of bank statements, pay slips, proof of ongoing employment, tax lodgements, copies of child support agreements and evidence of consistent payment, details of any other government payments you are entitled to.  It’s a long list, but if the loan is important to you, you can collate it.  Be careful with loans, do not over extend yourself, never use a loan to live beyond your means, never use a loan to avoid facing reality about the lifestyle you can afford.

Get the best financial advice that you can afford.  Do lots of research.  I’m speaking  to myself as much as to anyone else.  Life has changed for most people in the western world, whether we realise it yet or not.  If you have gone through a Divorce you have most likely taken a bigger financial hit than people that haven’t, so you need to be more vigilant and more creative n coming up with ways to improve and maintain your financial health.

The challenge for all of us is to try to achieve balance as best as we can.  To balance the benefits of spending time with our children with the financial security and stability  required to maintain a stable life both emotionally and financially.   Luxuries we can live without, and nothing material will ever match the value of a good relationship with our children and providing them with confidence, security and love.  This stability can best be achieved through a balance of time with them and the ability to generate sufficient income to provide a stable home and all that is required for them to eat, be clothed, have health care , education and of course some fun.

Coming Last and how to avoid it in the future..

I am independent, resourceful and strong.  The combination of those attributes has been the most incredible handicap to me, and to many others that possess similar.  They are individually and collectively great attributes, however, they are not  a recipe for invincibility or the combination to unlock a Pandora’s Box of limitless energy both emotional and physical.

In fact because I did not couple them with the skill and wisdom to set personal boundaries, they were all counterproductive and counter intuitive.  In a relationship my abilities actually fettered me, because they set the bar and tone, they created a perception about me that I didn’t understand would need  to be balanced.  I was capable and strong, and over time that seemed to translate in to representing me as an unstoppable machine.  The more I did the more I was expected to do, and I went along with it.  If I said I felt ill or even depressed, it was dismissed with ‘you’re as strong as an ox’ or even ‘you’ll be fine’, I accepted that and carried on, damaging my health in the process

I felt guilty if I stood up for myself, or argued for time, expenditure or effort for me.  I believed to do so was selfish and therefore wrong, so I would back down quickly and apologetically.  I soldiered on.

I had the naive belief that on some level my efforts were appreciated and understood to be efforts.  They weren’t of course; because they were given freely, they were never recognised as having any value. They were appreciated, but only at the rate they were traded.  This does not mean that the recipients were evil personified, just that I did not make it understood that my hard work did come at a cost to me, and had a value.  They unconsciously assumed that I was somehow invincible and superhuman.  It sounds ridiculous, but actually it’s not at all rare.  We generally   go through life giving things the minimum amount of thought, we don’t analyse and attribute value, we accept , we take for granted and we  don’t appreciate and acknowledge sufficiently.  By the time we reach middle age, one lesson we’ve surely all learned is that we don’t appreciate what we have until we’ve lost it.

I created a pattern in my life of stoic resilience and martyrdom.  I’m not sure if this was purely inbuilt in me, or in part a product of the times I grew up in, the aftermath of the women’s movement, the belief that women could have it all, where ‘it all ‘ meant ‘all the work and all the outlay’.  It may in part have been cultural, and it most definitely related back to the need to appease the difficult parent.

The lesson is that a little selfishness allows us to give a lot more.  A little self-preservation, enables us to pace our lives and conserve our energies better.  It allows us to avoid bitterness and resentment.  A little assertiveness, allows us to be so much more to so many people.  Learning to say no I’ve done enough, or I’ve done my fair share is an invaluable if hard learned skill.  The ability to simply say no when we need to.   There was a time when I would have found it impossible to deliver that message, I’d of been wracked with feelings of failure, or guilt or simply of inadequacy for admitting that I am human and have limits.  Having that skill would have  allowed me to separate the people that genuinely care about me from the people that simply want to wring the last drop from me.   I know now pleasing others is not the be all and end all, and this knowledge will be life transforming.

An interesting lesson I’m currently learning is that having finally realised that selfish people do not need to be constantly accommodated, I now realise that other selfless people come with their own set of pitfalls.  In reaction to having lived with a selfish person for so long, I found myself drawn to the other extreme.  A totally selfless person.  Now having known them for a while, I realise that the side effect of this is that I find myself lost in an increasingly long list of people making demands. Lol. It’s taken me 8 or 9 months to work out that this is less than ideal too! 

I am somewhat slow in learning these lessons I grant you, but in my defence I am sharing my findings, slow and simple as they may be, as soon as they become apparent to me, so hopefully I’m saving someone else out there a little time, puzzlement and angst – should anything I say strike a chord.

So, I guess having worked out that I need boundaries’, I suddenly find that  to have a healthy relationship, it’s important to ensure that not only your own boundaries are in place, but that the boundaries of the other person are clearly defined also.  One doesn’t want to be half way to enlightenment and ‘finding oneself’, only to fine oneself lost in a crowd again.

How long does it take to recover from a break up

How long does it take to recover from a break up?

This is a frequently asked question.  Of course there is no definitive answer, as it depends a lot on the individual.  However, that said the rule of thumb I read in some sites was to expect it to take about 2 months for every year you were in the relationship.  I think this is about right. 

As previously discussed there are stages, the same stages as you would go through having suffered the death of a loved one, you are grieving the death of your relationship and your old life.

This site outlines these stages well as below :

(http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html)

The final stage model we have included is the “7 stages of grief”.

Once again, it is important to interpret the stages loosely, and expect much individual variation. There is no neat progression from one stage to the next. In reality, there is much looping back, or stages can hit at the same time, or occur out of order. So why bother with stage models at all? Because they are a good general guide of what to expect.

For example, generally, a long period of “depression” (not clinical depression), isolation, and loneliness happen late in the grief process, months after the tragedy strikes. It actually is normal and expected for you to be very depressed and sad eight months later.  

Outsiders do not understand this, and feel that it should be time for you to “get over it” and rejoin the land of the living. Just knowing that your desire to be alone with your sad reflections at this time is normal will help you deal with outside pressures. You are acting normally. They just don’t “get it”.
 



Here is the grief model called “The 7 Stages of Grief”:
 

7 Stages of Grief…

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn’t do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning “Why me?” You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair (“I will never drink again if you just bring him back”)

4. “DEPRESSION”, REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be “talked out of it” by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your “depression” begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

7 stages of grief…

You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.

I think this is a good description of what you can expect to go through.  Each stage isn’t neatly compartmentalised as they explain, and often it’s only in retrospect that you can clearly distinguish the various stages.  I do think it is incredibly valuable to understand that you are not reacting abnormally to your circumstances though, because you may feel that you should be pulling yourself together and well-meaning people around you may also make you feel as though you are not where you should be in your recovery.  You can only recover at your own pace though.

In the early stages you may spend endless hours searching for answers, downloading ridiculous e-books that promise undeliverable solutions .  Disorientated is about the best description for how you feel, drifting along going through the motions, doing the minimum of what you need to do to get by.  This stage may last a while.  It doesn’t fix itself either, it requires you to dig deep and go out and seek help.  Get to your GP, discuss how your feeling and make a plan.  Counselling is immeasurably helpful.

We tend to grieve in private in western society, so consequently a little known side effect is that financially you may go in to a reverse slide.  It is difficult to process the shocking emotions you are going through and maintain or seek a job, particularly if you have children to look after too.  Something has to give and obviously one cannot let the care of ones children slide, so the thing that often goes for a  while is your income stream.  It’s at times like this that we realise how shallowly we think about things until they effect us directly.  This can become a confronting time where you have to face government agencies that you may never have had to deal with before.  If you are new to ‘the system’, it is a hard world to adapt to.  The people employed in it are generally very helpful, however the system by its nature is difficult to navigate.  I’ve added some links to various Australian government agencies, similar agencies will exist in most western countries.  It takes a while before you can get your head around financial matters, never mind having financial goals, but it is definitely something that you need to keep in your peripheral mind.  As soon as you begin to feel recovery is in process, you need to start chipping away at getting back on track financially.  Failure to do this will simply create another source of stress.  Stick with realistic  achievable goals, if you are feeling fragile do not go for job at the top of the salary range, if it means that you are going to have additional anxiety in maintaining that role.  Be clear about your psychological and emotional limitations.  Do not push yourself to hard.  Take the job you know you can manage.  As you get stronger, then look at moving up.  Too much too soon will lead to set backs, and potential loss of jobs and will result in you falling even further backwards financially.  Get as much government assistance as you are entitled to.  Do your sums, and maybe even explore if you can get some government assistance to retrain. You will progress.  You will make progress.  When you feel strong start writing down some financial goals.  It’s amazing how much more focused we are when we have something to aim for.  Finances are not to be ignored, no matter how hard they are to face.

There will be many hours of introspection and reflection.  Rehashing, revisiting and revising.  With hard work and patience you will begin to look forward again.

You will see that life didn’t end for you, a new life opened up.  New starts are so rich in opportunity and promise. You will see that you have an opportunity to be a better version of you and live a better life.  The old life wasn’t right, that is why it didn’t last.  Now you have an opportunity to reinvent yourself, to be independent and really spread your wings. 

It is so very terrifying at first I know, like stepping out of the nest with a huge drop below, you need to understand that nature has designed your wings to fly, and even though you will start that flight falteringly, you will find your rhythm and your own pace and soon you will be soaring.

For me its 2.5 years down the track now and I feel as though I have done that journey of a thousand miles, and it did start with one faltering step, however  I’m not ready to stop moving forward and now I hope I never am.  I’ve regained myself, regained my confidence, accepted myself as the person I am and accepted my role as a single parent.  I am delighted to have finally realised how important it is to accept one’s self.  I’ve stopped counting the losses and started counting the blessings again and they add up to an abundance, my 2 kids on their own are more wealth then I could ever have hoped for.  I’m not trying to paint a picture of Utopian bliss as of course life continues to be full of ups and downs, and lessons that must be learnt either the easy or the hard way.  I’m simply saying that life most certainly doesn’t end when a relationship does.  It becomes incredibly painful for a while as you adjust to the changes that have occurred, and the loss of trust and faith both in the other person and yourself, it doesn’t end though.  Life remains a rich tapestry with each day being as new as the first day.  It will never make sense to give in to despair because your most sublime joy is just as likely to be still ahead of you as to be behind you.  It is likely to be ahead of you in fact, as long as you believe it. 

Our life is mostly driven by our perception, if we choose to have hope and believe that good things lie ahead, and why wouldn’t we? Then our attitude and perception will likely lead us to those good things and attract them to us.

 

 

 

Interesting article about a widows response to discovering her husband was a serial adulterer

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-2018960/Ingrid-Seward-knew-husband-serial-adulterer.html

This was an interesting article. 

It is always fascinating to see that people that cheat once, are hard wired to repeat the behaviour.  Cheaters are not by nature introspective people who examine their own actions and their impact on others to ensure they never cause pain again. They are narcissists, simply gratifying their own needs with an absolute sense of entitlement to whatever they decide they want and no regard for anyone else.

The mistresses invariably think they are somehow special, and that the lies and deceit they see the cheater deliver effortlessly to their wives and partners will never be turned on them.  Of course they will.  It may not necessarily be in relation to another woman, but the liar will always resort to lies to get out of any situation they feel uncomfortable in, they don’t believe that they owe other people the truth; they simply take the path of least resistance for themselves.  When they do something they know their partner will not like, they won’t admit it and face the consequences, they will simply lie for an easier life.  It’s a reflex to them.

In fact, ironically, the mistress falls for the immediate lies about the current partner, the demonization to excuse the affair.  They lap up that lie because it eases their own conscience and makes them feel justified in their own actions.  They don’t stop to think if the person is so bad, why are they still together?  I mean if what they are being told about ‘duty, obligation and or the kids’ is true, why then are they suddenly free of these ‘heartfelt obligations’ to see someone on the side?  It’s contradictory.  The mistress of course either thinks she’s found herself a wounded soul to fix and rescue from a fate worse than death or she’s simply desperate for a man and doesn’t care about the pain caused to others.  They are reeled in by their own neediness, their blind desperation to find a partner and their response to the validation received from someone that is living a lie.
In this article the author is grateful for the time she had with her partner.  That is one perspective.  I’m grateful for what I’ve learnt from the experience of living with someone capable of betrayal and the people I’ve met as a result of its fall out.  It is genuinely wise to simply let it go, in a nutshell, you may not feel inclined to declare yourself lucky for knowing someone that betrayed you, but it’s certainly not worth letting them ruin another minute of your life, they’ve taken up enough of your time and energy, put it to better use and be happy x

People Pleasers don’t please themselves

The habits of a lifetime are hard to change.
If one has always been a people pleaser, simply becoming aware that it is a trait that we need to change, doesn’t mean that the change will come in to effect immediately. It takes a huge shift in thinking and a very large dose of bravery.
When we have spent our lives believing, albeit on a subconscious level, that pleasing people is the only thing that will keep us safe, altering the behaviour feels fraught with danger. We habitually approach every interaction, with all concern focused on how it affects the other person. This focus is completely blinkered, it simply doesn’t occur to us to consider our own feelings, or the consequences to ourselves when someone else’s feelings are at stake. Somehow we do not consider ourselves stake holders in our own lives.

Time spent alone reflecting, may allow us to recognise this pattern of behaviour, and on our own or with assistance we may even trace the root cause of our behaviour, generally back to our childhood and our ingrained responses to our parent’s not so unconditional love. However, it doesn’t lessen the fear with which we will face the first, and many of the subsequent situations, where we know we need to say ‘no’ to protect our own interest.

Due to our inclination to people please, harmful relationships will inevitably have formed around us. The behaviour attracts them. Selfless people attract the selfish, like bears to a honey pot. Selfish people are by their nature one eyed, determined and somewhat overwhelming in pursuit of what they want. In short, they are particularly hard for the people pleaser to stand up to. They don’t care how things affect others; they simply want what they want, and often getting in their way reveals a very nasty side to them. So there is quite good reason for the people pleaser to feel nervous about changing their ways and standing firm against the unreasonable demands of others.

It is a fascinating experience, to attempt to transform ones most basic and instinctive reactions. I currently observe myself in two separate streams, in one scenario I am still following the people pleasing path, however being cognisant of it now, I can feel myself rebelling at times much to the outrage of my nemesis in that particular situation. Its an ebb and flow situation, I step out of line and step back in again fearful that I will be shut out for good if I don’t. In the other scenario, I haven’t found the perfect assertive balance by any means, my solution for now appears to be to remain somewhat aloof, to be pleasant and concerned but somewhat non-committal. Progressing beyond this point is still a work in progress. It hinges on two things, confidence in myself and trust in the other person. They are the two elusive moths dancing around the flame.

It is hard to gauge how long it will take before moving beyond this phase becomes an option. It’s all unchartered territory. On a rational level I can determine in which relationship I need to move forward and in which I need to retreat, however fear is still somewhat paralysing.

The Fear is interesting; it’s a bogey man fear. We fear losing something that is actually worthless. If the person we are with only accepts us on the terms that we are completely self-sacrificing, what are they but a parasite? We should be actively seeking to rid our lives of them, yet instead we accommodate and feed and nurture them, terrified of the void we fear would be created by their departure.

We fear being alone, because we don’t believe we are whole and self-sufficient people. We firmly believe that we have to be propped up. We don’t measure the price we pay for that bolstering. It’s never worth it.

I think the key is in being alone and learning to do things independently. For my own part, I’ve always been a doer of things; however I’ve never given myself credit. I always had the notion that somehow the fact that I had a partner in my life meant that they deserved the recognition for everything that I myself achieved. Doing things in my own right has gone a long way to building my confidence. Making those big life decisions about where to live, what can be afforded and committed to, even things like organising travel and holidays, all go a long way to reminding us that we are very capable human beings in our own rights. Each step at the time, felt like stepping off a precipice, that shocking moment with eyes closed, the awful fear of falling , only to open my eyes and discover I am still standing firm on the ground. I am capable and I am worthy.

These little incremental deposits of confidence will increase the balance until one day I am completely comfortable telling people where my boundaries are, where they need to stop AND what I need from them! That is the breakthrough I’m working towards.

xxx

Taking back control of your finances

One of the most critical steps to take when restarting your life is to take back control of your finances.

The following links may provide some useful tips.
Even if you are on a low income, you may have the opportunity to save or even invest, don’t dismiss the idea because you are inexperienced or think it’s not within your reach. You have nothing to lose by doing some research, start searching for information, knowledge is power and increased income helps you attain security. A small increase can have a huge impact if used wisely.

http://www.moneysmart.gov.au/

http://www.articleflame.com/Art/1540/226/50-Financial-Tips.html

Momentum

 

Life of course does not always go to plan, in fact I suspect it never does.

By the time we reach middle age we may find we are knocking down more hurdles than we are clearing, however with determination we don’t have to stay down when we fall.  At times it takes grim, gritty determination, and sometimes more than a hint of rage to keep going.  It sometimes feels easier to deny that we have anything resembling determination in stock, but that’s never the case it’s always within us. 

Not that we don’t sometimes require a period of adjustment, rest and recuperation, but somewhere in us there is always the capacity to recover and carry on.  It may be locked away, but believing it’s there is the key to unlocking it.

Recovery doesn’t mean a resumption of the life we held before, it may mean a reassessment, a new set of priorities, a new sense of appreciation for the things we took for granted in the past and an acceptance of the things we cannot change.  Recovery may just be the first step, the point at which we get on the bike and push off, who knows where you’re going, but one thing is for sure, you  have to keep pedalling to maintain your balance.

Once you’re moving forward again take it slowly at first, take stock and start planning.  Where do you want to go? How are you going to get there?  These are chalk board plans at first.  Your first ideas may not prove to be achievable when investigated, but that is a setback not a final defeat.  The chalk board is a brainstorm and can be edited and revamped, or simply enhanced.  Soon the confidence to commit plans to ink will germinate and grow.

You can allow yourself some freewheeling time, feel the breeze in your hair and simply relish your new found momentum, take in the sights with new eyes and see what now appeals to you.  Allow yourself a little carefree time to simply be.

In due course you can pull over and review your plan once more.  The interesting development you may note is that you no longer need to be restrained by the boundaries that used to form your world.

Blossoming

I had an insight in to the progress I’ve made in refinding myself recently. I realised I’ve almost been in my job or with my employer for a year, and it made me flash back to the time when I was applying for the job and in that moment I went back to the way I felt and my general outlook on life.

At that time it had been just the kids and I for 15 months. I was stilll finding my way. Still searching for some of the confidence that at one time had made me able to go to work and be responsible for close to a billion dollars a year. I was nowhere near close to getting back to that person, and nor did I want to. I had forced myself to become that, not for myself but to satisfy an agenda which I thought represented security for the family unit.

I had applied for my current job, and after some delay had actually been employed in a different capacity. It was the first step in returning to normality. In the year since, I’ve moved departments a couple of times and have for now settled in to a department and been made a permanent employee. It’s a much lower level than my previous job and much less pay, but I’m much happier with it. It allows me time and energy for my kids, it’s close to their schools so if they need me I don’t have to worry about travelling or being stuck in traffic.

What strikes me now is how different I feel as a person. I was so far along a year ago from where I was when I’d first become single again, a lot of repair work had been done and I did feel a sense of achievement at that point. I was less emotionally fragile. I was still under a lot of strain as the legal settlement was still dragging on and the callousness I was dealing with was confronting to say the least. I had travelled a long way towards healing though.

What I realise now is that I am now so much further along again. I realise that I don’t fully understand the extent of the damage that had been done to my self esteem, my confidence my general ability to function. When you live with someone that is emotionally draining to you for long enough, you do become tapped out. The emotional vampires drain you completely until they can no longer be satisfied by you and therefore have to seek their succour elsewhere.

You loose your sense of your own normality. You forget completely what it is to simply feel like you. Its very similar to the period after having a child, you are so exhausted that you don’t realise how exhausted you are. Suddenly you have a good run, your child sleeps and isn’t sick etc. and after a while you wake up one day and think ‘hey I feel normal’ – but up until that point you didn’t realise you didn’t feel normal! Your normality gauge has been faulty.

That is what it’s like living with a Narcissist. You become dazed and confused emotionally. You live with them for so long that you become conditioned to the fact that every conversation will be directed back to them within seconds of it being about anyone or anything else. You begin to forget about you and your own needs. You do argue about them occasionally, but you are soon worn down. So you just become resigned to being a useful tool and nothing else, a housekeeper and or a financial contributor. You become the person that does all the mundane day to day stuff that your partner has decided is beneath them -( which may actually means that they do not feel competent to do any of it) .

So the aftermath of the break up is not like breaking up with other personality types. You would expect to go through a grieving process, hurt, denial, anger, fear etc. however, what you don’t realise is that your recovery is extended by the fact that you have to replenish your emotional store. From a standard unhappy relationship your store would be depleted, from a relationship with a narcissist you are not just empty you have actually started to eat in to other parts of yourself to make up the deficit.

Now that I feel I am entering back into ‘the black’ I can see this. I can see that emotional health is a life’s work, but I can sense and appreciate the improvement in my own and I’m eternally grateful for it.

I write this for all those that may be worried about their slow progress. Yes it is slow, but it is progress, and one day you will wake up and say ‘I feel good’ and you’ll realise it’s been a while since you could honestly and emphatically say that to yourself. Not just ‘I feel better‘, but ‘I feel good’.

With work, that day will come. I believe it does take time though, and time on your own. I recommend to take that time, and don’t rush or be rushed in to another relationship. Chances are until you realise with absolute clarity what your mistakes were you will simply repeat them. Life as they say will keep teaching you the same lesson until you learn it.

xxx

 

Dealing with a Narcisisst – Emotional Freedom – youtube link

Dealing with a Narcisisst – Emotional Freedom – youtube link

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qxTddQM-d08&feature=related

Article: Accepting the sociopath/narcissist’s blame to preserve the relationship from http://networkedblogs.com/iem20

Here is one of the many interesting article from the following site – which is a great source of information on Sociopathic/Narcisstic personality types

 

http://networkedblogs.com/iem20

Accepting the sociopath/narcissist’s blame to preserve the relationship

Thursday, 25 September 2008 @ 7:00am • My Weblog

Here’s a theme I think we can relate to: Your partner (a male in this example, strictly for convenience’s sake)—a narcissist, or perhaps sociopath—blames you for his misery, bad moods, bad decisions, frustrations, dissatisfactions, disappointments and underfulfillment.

From his perspective, if he cheats on you—or deceives and betrays you—you will have deserved it, because you will have been responsible for the discontent that necessitated his violating behaviors.

Remember he feels entitled to have what he wants; he deserves what he wants, when he wants it; and if he’s frustrated, it must be someone’s fault.

Someone must be blamed, and you, his partner, will be his odds-on choice to own his blame.

It’s amazing how often we accept, against our better instincts, the narcissistic/sociopathic partner’s insistence that we are responsible for his infinite emptiness.

We do so for many reasons, but the one I’d like to stress is this: If we don’t accept this responsibility, his blame, we seriously risk losing the relationship.

Ongoing relationships with abusive, contemptuous partners require just this kind of Faustian contract: To preserve the relationship, however desecrated it is, I will accept your blame. For the sake of not yet losing this relationship, I will continue to entertain, if not own, your constant assertion that there is something in me—something deficient and insufficient—that explains your mistreatment and disrespect of me.

To say it somewhat differently, so long as we’re not yet ready to jettison a destructive relationship, a narrative must be constructed to explain our decision to stay. The narrative, as I suggest, often goes something like this: I am to blame—I —for my partner’s debasing attitudes and behaviors. I must be to blame, otherwise I’d leave.

The narrative is rational, but false. It’s a false narrative (in the back of our minds, we may sense its falseness), but it’s the only narrative under the circumstances that can explain, and seemingly justify, our continued tolerance of our partner’s nonsense.

A couple I spent some time with recently (clinically) illustrated this point well. The husband, Harold, was one of the most transparent narcissistic personalities I’ve ever seen. He’d recently ended an affair with a colleague (justifying the affair as a function of his right to pursue the fulfillment his spouse, Julia, wasn’t supplying).

Interestingly, about eight weeks into their courtship, Harold began offering up undisguised, alarming displays of his narcissism in general and narcissistic rage specifically. Julia was highly disturbed by each of these displays. All left her thinking, “This isn’t right. I should end this thing now, before I get deeper in. He shouldn’t be treating me like this. I shouldn’t be tolerating this.” But while recognizing these alarming warnings, she was already too deeply invested in her vision of the relationship—and Harold—to end it.

A dozen years later, not much has changed. Julia has a beautiful child and, in Harold, a spouse who’s conformed entirely to his early, advanced billing—he is demanding, often hostile and passive-aggressive, easily and constantly disappointed, blaming (of her) for the emptiness that leaves him constantly wanting, and prone to secretiveness.

Julia caters to his moods and demands in order to avoid eliciting the ugliest manifestations of his hostility (whose emergence threatens everpresently to scare and traumatize her).

But it’s no secret how Julia, with her high intelligence and striking emotional maturity, continues to justify her decision to endure what’s been Harold’s 12-year assault on her emotional safety and dignity.

She has owned the blame for his discontent, disappointments, and acting-out.

Just as soon as she’s ready to disown this falsely ascribed (and tacitly accepted) responsibility, she’ll find herself without a reason to accept the conditions of—and indignities associated with—Harold’s personality disorder.

At that point, the leverage will be hers—Harold will either have to shape up (unlikely), or she’ll be genuinely prepared to ship him out.

(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)

Support groups for Narcisisst Survivors

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/home.php?sk=group_157221654330147&ap=1

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/home.php?sk=group_46881395412&ap=1

Here are a couple of links to facebook support groups for people that have had to deal with Narcissists.

It is worth noting that just because your relationship has ended with a Narcissist it doesn’t mean that their attempts at controlling you have.

A Narcissist will do anything to get out of paying you a fair settlement. They will determine what they want for themself and what for the sake of their image is the minimum they can get away with giving you. They will drag you through the courts to achieve this minimum.

A Narcissist will be horrified at having to pay the minimum child support – they cannot conceive that they are actually expected to sacrifice new suits, shoes, plasma TV’s and overseas holidays just to pay the minimum child support required by law. They will expound endlessly to anyone unfortunate enough to have to listen to them about the injustice of it all.

If they can find anyway to get out of it without impacting on their own quality and standard of living they will, whether its through undeclared income or moving overseas. They have no sense of moral obligation, ethics or genuine love for their children. The children are simply part of their image control. In their mind if they are ‘forced’ to move overseas in order to hoard more money to ensure their own Flash Harry image is protected now and in the future – they will simply find away to shift the responsibility to someone else.

They wont be satisfied with ripping you and their children off though, and of course in their mind it’s not ripping you off at all it’s your fault that they aren’t allowed to waltz off scot free and you therefore deserve to be punished for it. They will feel the need to exercise control over your life in other subtle ways. They are after all behaving in incredibly underhanded and unethical ways to avoid their responsibilities so they have a lot to hide. Therefore they will bully anyone that they know is still in contact with you in order to ensure that all their secrets are protected. The Narcissist is an incredible bully and they normally have other like minded individuals or even other victims in their families that they will use to do their bidding for them.

Even a forum like this will be closely monitored either by them directly or reported back to them.

They are incredibly sad insecure individuals, living incredibly sad superficial lives. The people in their lives that are foolish enough to love them are drained, used and burned. The options for someone living with a narcissist or amongst a narcissistic family is to be drained and depleted over time, stripped of confidence and joy for life and/or to become one of their henchmen obediently doing their bidding. Even the latter does not guarantee security, the Narcissist always has an eye out for someone or something better.

Life doesn’t have to be that way. There is help available. It takes a while to recover from the experience of being in a relationship with one, but once you do you realise how lucky you are to be out. In spite of their continued attempts to imply that they still control you, you learn to remind yourself that they have no control. They may rip you off financially and they may rip their children off, but you realise that in spite of that injustice , you are still better off than you ever where with them.

It is important to get support from others and talk about your experience as it is incredibly difficult not to be hurt by it. It is important to understand that they are sick and genuinely lack empathy. Moving on and minimising contact with them is key.

The Prodigal Patriarch

 

At the age of 45 I find myself surrounded by major life events, friends with ailing parents, marital problems, health issues, various family crisis. It’s an unexpected side affect of reaching the middle of life – so many things come to a head at this point.

It’s an irony that when life runs smoothly we switch to auto pilot and fail to appreciate it. That is not an error I’ll ever repeat. Gratitude will be a central element of my existence from this point forward.

In my own life the drama consists of the deterioration in my fathers health. The strain this has imposed on other family members and the curious combination of reactions and emotions it has brought to the surface.

My father left our family home when I was 6. It was a turbulent time and the turbulence never subsided within that domain. He was non existent in the lives of his children for many years. This wasn’t entirely his fault, my mother was incredibly difficult, unstable in fact. He couldn’t deal with it and she did all in her power to drive him away also – and driven away he was. So we were left.

He came back in to our lives when I was an adult of 21. He’s been a presence ever since. Not a close relationship but a reasonable one. In fact a stronger presence than my mother has been. His life has never been completely clear to us, there are people whose roles have not been clearly defined to, bit players and leading roles. It’s simply the way it has been.

So now that his health is failing, what emotions are stirred? That is just it, the over riding feeling so far has been guilt at not feeling more. There’s been a sense of duty and obligation, a sense of sadness , but not devastation. The guilt was clawing. Trying to understand why one is not moved by such a significant passing.

I think the reason is that I’ve already mourned his loss. I mourned it 39 years ago, I’m not sure that I dealt with it for many years, but I experienced the loss and I learnt to live with it. Emotionally this is a replay of an old event. The emotions already played out and spent. Now we observe it unfold as if watching a movie already seen, knowing what is coming.

I know that when the time comes there will be a different impact and a different level of emotion, but for now, this scene has already been played to its conclusion, the recap lacks the initial impact.

Scar tissue. I guess the trust has never been tested. No longer a child or dependent in any way I never had to take any kind of real leap of faith with him. Now that there is a test of some sort I realise that the defence system I built for myself following his departure from my childhood has remained in tact ever since.

It’s interesting that some things once lost aren’t restored without conscious and heartfelt effort. The relationship was repaired, but only to the extent that was comfortable. There was no lowering of the drawbridge to allow access back in to the undefended realm of emotions.

Life is certainly an education.

Faith

 

Faith is a critical element in a happy life. Faith in oneself , the faith of others in us and our own ability to have faith in others.

The importance of this struck me out of the blue. One reads so much about the power of positive thinking, the laws of attraction and belief. Suddenly the notion of faith entered my mind. As long as mankind has existed the importance of faith has been understood on some level. Faith in the existence of a higher power, of a deity of some kind. Why though? If there are all powerful beings why would they not simply make their presence known, instead of depending on the ability of mankind to maintain faith. So many religions teach that God is Love. If love is positive energy, then faith is love in it’s purest form, it is absolute trust. Perhaps God is energy, the positive energy of the universe that we hear about all the time. Energy which continues to be generated and perpetuated by us.

It isn’t just about religious belief though. I think that all aspects of life depend on an element of faith. It’s the foundation of everything, the initial spur behind any action, the vital ingredient of courage – the energy that sustains.

Relationships are faith based. We have faith in each other, trust. If that trust is shattered we can be stripped of our ability to have faith. This is seriously debilitating. Restoring faith takes time and patience and kindness. When we lose faith our confidence is gone. Confidence is a natural bi product of faith. Sometimes loss of faith in a partner due to betrayal, has the knock on effect of making us lose confidence in every aspect of our life, our ability to do anything. Suddenly the most competent person crumbles. Those that betray trust ought to be aware of exactly what they do and the serious consequences of it, it’s a spiritual homicide of sorts. Today society is so flippant about it, yet there is an army of walking wounded out there – people living half lives, people that have been crushed by the loss of faith they’ve experienced.

It can be restored though, that is the key thing to remember. Slowly over time.

It is good to be aware of that, in fact the awareness is the new beginning. Sometimes when someone has lost all faith in themselves it may be possible for us to show in some way that we have faith in them, hopefully providing enough energy to spark their own. It is frustrating to witness someone we know to be full of ability and blessed with so many positive attributes , having this crisis of faith. It is amazing sometimes the people it affects and how. The most beautiful people in every way – can stare hollow eyed at us, haunted by the loss and tragically unaware of all that they still possess and all that they can attain.

Faith is truly a gift. It should be shared . It doesn’t use up our own reserve, it allows it to expand.

If your’s is low – try to tap in to the faith that others have in you. Think of it as an emotional and energy jump start x

Boundaries, Safety and Deadwood in Relationships by Gabrielle Gawne-Kelnar form Psychcentral.com

Here is anohter fantastic article from Psych Central – taken from the link shown below:

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/therapist-within/2011/03/boundaries-safety-and-deadwood-in-relationships-part-1/

Boundaries, Safety and Deadwood in Relationships

By Gabrielle Gawne-Kelnar

I took this photo many years ago, in Germany, where the woodpiles are stacked high in preparation for long, cold winters.

This particular scene was in a forest, with the cut, dead wood being framed by the living. It reminded me of a powerful saying:

When the axe came into the forest,

the trees said,

‘The handle is one of us’.

It’s pretty chilling…

And it seems to outline the dangers of putting loyalty before safety; putting the relationship before the self.

Have you ever done that?

Is it possible you might be doing it now?
Maybe even in small ways that just chip quietly away at you.
That slowly whittle you away…

There’s so many fairytales and myths set in forests like this one, many seeming to warn us of letting the danger in. Of inviting it in. Welcoming it, even, despite the hidden damage it might cause.

So perhaps it’s worth checking out your own life for a second. Your own relationships. In case you’re unwittingly inviting in the axe.

Are there people in your life that you often feel sort of worse off for having interacted with?

And if there are, what exactly is it about their behaviour (and perhaps your response) that does this?

Maybe there’s manipulation involved, where you feel you can’t say ‘no’.
Maybe there’s anger or intimidation. And fear.
Maybe there’s a heaviness, where you feel a sense of responsibility being passed from them to you (emotionally, physically, relationally).

What is the axe that’s coming into your forest at that moment?

And is it possible to see that axe as being different from the person that’s bringing it?
To separate the behaviour from the being?

If so, what might it be like to draw a boundary against that stuff? To stop letting it in. To let it know that it’s no longer welcome in the way it once might have been. To tell the person something of the impact this behaviour has on you, and your shared relationship… and maybe what you’d like to have happen instead.

Maybe to share your hopes.

And if it doesn’t feel safe to do that – to assertively talk with them and lay out your hopes for your relationship – then what?

It’s important to listen to that sense of danger. To stay safe.

Perhaps sometimes that might mean taking a break from their company for a while, as you gather your strength back.
Or maybe it might be about seeking shelter and safety elsewhere.
If your relationship has moved into a space where you feel in danger, it’s vital to get support. (Here are some signs to watch for and some places to seek help).

And while we’re talking about boundaries and safety in relationships, what about your relationship with your self?

In Part 2 of this post, we’ll investigate that other part of the forest a little more…

.

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/therapist-within/2011/03/boundaries-safety-and-deadwood-in-relationships-part-1/

More on Passive Aggressive Personality Disorders

As there has been so much interest in the post I wrote on passive aggressive personality types, I’ve looked up a little more information on the subject.  The line that leapt out of me was that the goal of a passive aggressive person is to frustrate and make you angry. Wow yes!  They are the masters of button pushing and thwarting.  It’s so insidious though, if you are not self assured/emotionally intelligent it simply erodes you over the years.  They are always so ‘amazed’ when you do take their bait that you are convinced you have over reacted or indeed have made something of nothing. 

After a long period of time I did begin to challenge the fact that my partner could not possibly have made certain remarks to repeated certain behaviours innocently when I had told him so so many times how they made me feel, but really it was only when I had the head space after the end of our relationship that I realised just how relentless it had all been.

The following was from this link:

http://www.georgiahealth.edu/message/404.html 

The content as per below:

Passive-Aggressive Behavior

People with passive-aggressive behaviors show hostility and aggression in passive ways. Their aim is to resist job and social demands. Examples of passive-aggressive behaviors are:

-Forgetting to do something on purpose
-Making a habit of putting off or being late with social and/or job tasks
-Failing to do one’s share of the work or doing sub-standard work on purpose
-Having a constant negative attitude
-Criticizing authority figures, not openly, but in subtle ways

The goal of passive-aggressive behavior is to frustrate the wishes of others and make others angry. This anger is most often directed at bosses, roommates, spouses, parents, teachers, or anyone who has power or authority. But, sometimes, people are not aware that their behavior is purposeful.

What leads to passive-aggressive behavior?

Some researchers think that these behaviors stem from certain childhood experiences.

They believe that parents who were aggressive and exercised complete control over their child did not let the child express himself or herself. This may have pushed the child into adopting passive-aggressive behavior patterns to cope. If, for example, the child openly disagreed with the parent and was punished for doing so, the child learned to substitute passive resistance for active resistance.

A person who shows a lot of passive-aggressive behavior can have a Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder. A person with this disorder:

+Is irritable, defensive, and resentful
+Lacks self-confidence
+Has a hard time getting pleasure from relationships with others
+Feels others are making unreasonable demands on him or her, but thinks he or she is doing a better job than what they are given credit for
+Blames others for his or her problems
+Is not aware that his or her self-defeating behaviors are part of their personality

*******************************

Here’s another fantastic link
as follows…………

A passive aggressive individual doesn’t exhibit outward anger or appear malicious. At first glance, the behavior appears to be unassuming, gracious and benevolent; hence the term “Passive-Aggressive”. When dealing with a passive-agressive person, one can feel frustrated, offended, guilty or confused. While not intended, you may leave the encounter thinking you did something wrong, but aren’t quite sure what it was.

Whether personal or professional, many relationships will come across this inconsistent behavioral pattern. It’s very confusing, and often thought of as “crazy-making”. This is because the purpose of passive-aggressive behavior is to express negative feelings and resentments in an unassertive and passive way.

Surprisingly, the passive-aggressive person isn’t aware of this. Their intent is not to be offensive or frustrating. In their eyes, all they want to do is be helpful.

The problem lies in the fact that this form of helpfulness is better known as codependency. This means the help comes with a price – an expectation of appreciation for the unrequested favor, and moodiness or resentment if you don’t.

If you’re someone who deals with passive aggressive behavior, or you’re someone who suspects, or has been told, your behavior fits the description, the following information may help. You’ll gain valuable insight that can lead to more positive interactions, and less confused and hurt feelings.
What leads to passive-aggressive behavior?

It is thought that a pattern of unassertive and passive behavior is learned in childhood as a coping strategy. It is most likely a response to parents who exercised complete control and did not let their child express themselves. To cope, a child will adopt a passive-aggressive behavior pattern1.

If, for example, a child openly disagrees with their parent(s) and they are punished for doing so; the child would learn to substitute passive resistance for active resistance. Given a consistent pattern of punishment or rejection when asserting onself, an individual can learn to become highly adept at passively rebelling.

As previously stated, passive aggressive behavior is a form of codependence. In their interpersonal relationships, the individual will attempt to manipulate themselves into a position of dependence. This is done with the codependent method of rescue. (see the Karpman Drama Triangle.)

Relationships are seen as quid pro quo (something for something). This is because a passive aggressive person believes that asking for their needs to be met is not safe. Their self concept supposes that their requests won’t be met; so, they have to manipulate others to achieve their needs.

They also have a very difficult time saying no to other’s requests. While they view anyone they consider to be in a position of power or authority with respect, they also project their resentments, frustrations and anger onto these very same people. Since their self concept includes poor self esteem, almost everyone else is a person of power or authority.

A individual operating in this fashion is often prone to procrastination. They will oppose requests for acceptable performance, and find excuses for poor outcomes (This is done as “payback”.). They will find fault with those on whom they depend.

A passive aggressive person is often prone to make sarcastic comments, offer condescending opinions, and blame others for their own shortcomings.

When a young person grows up with caregivers that were highly dogmatic and controlling, growing close at an emotional level is virtually impossible; and, if self expression was punished or discouraged, the self concept becomes distorted. In adulthood, validation from others is wanted, and feared all at the same time.

As such, another underlying goal achieved by this paradoxical behavior is to avoid conflict and emotional intimacy. Allowing oneself to make mistakes is threatening, and confrontation is avoided at all costs.

With effort, positive change in this format of interpersonal interaction can be obtained. The individual must “own” the behavior, and engage in counseling or therapeutic activity. Here are some suggestions and direction for individuals who wish to heal their passive aggressive behavior.

If you are someone that encounters the behavior in work or personal relationships, you will find information on the following page to help cope with passive-aggressive behavior.

Many good books have been written to explain this behavioral phenomenon. To view the titles I recommend to understand, heal and cope, visit my bookstore.

Respect

 

Respect is the key to happiness. That is my conclusion to date. It is a simple solution yet it eludes and evades us. We yearn for it and at times demand it. We measure it out to others, sometimes believing that they must earn it.

I’ve spent some time trying to understand myself better and trying to understand the behaviour of others. I still have a lot to learn and always will, its exciting to think that one lives in a world of unlimited mystery and potential discovery.

What I know now is that the cliché is quite true, happiness comes from within. The revelation is that happiness is generated by respect. Self respect and respect of others.

When one has self respect, the personality traits of others cannot break through that. Respect generates inner happiness, inner happiness creates boundaries. Boundaries that are cemented by personal values. Values that determine the behaviour you expect from yourself and the behaviour you are prepared to accept from others.

With respect we can work through pain and find our way back to peace. When we learn the art of respect we can let go of anger and release bitterness. We no longer need to be validated by others. With respect it is possible to forgive.

It isn’t a magical new age talisman. It doesn’t make us immune from heart break, it does however enable us to learn and grow from it and to heal. By respecting ourselves we can love ourselves. We understand our intrinsic value as human beings and we understand the value of others, whatever the lesson they have been sent to teach us.

When we learn to truly respect ourselves and others we can live confidently and assertively. We can be true to ourselves and our clearly defined values. We need never be people pleasers or door mats, or feel threatened or belittled. We will appreciate our own value and no other appraisal will be required.

We will never need to put others down in order to feel better about ourselves.

Respect is something which has become increasingly under rated. The language and tone we use in addressing each others often displays a lack of it. Our unwillingness to listen and truly hear one another shows it’s absence. Disrespect is like an angry cancer which spreads throughout every aspect of our lives. Cynicism grows in an effort to shield ourselves from it. We adopt a get them before they get you mentality firing snide remarks like spears in an attempt to fortify ourselves from any potentially painful attack. Yet through respect we find strength and fortitude. We can be the smooth pebble in the torrent.

So respect is what I am working on. How to apply it in all aspects of my life. How to practice it and live in it and through it. That in essence is how my life shall really restart, and that will be a work in progress until the end.

Tear up the emotional balance sheet

 

In trying to become aware of the route cause of the mistakes I  make in relationships I have tried to follow 2 courses of action, one is to try to understand and ,where required, modify my own behaviour and the 2nd is to try to understand the behaviour of others .

I’ve often referred to the fact that even while I deliberately sought people that I believed where different to those in my past, that I often found myself in basically the same emotional dynamic. On the surface the person and behaviour was different, but in time the same emotional dance routine somehow took over.
Now that I am once again on the dating scene, I’ve been observing my own behaviour and reactions and even in spite of my new vigilance I still observe that my focus is on the other persons perception of me. My mind even races ahead to hypothetical scenarios involving my children behaving badly and what they would think of me as a parent, how they would judge me and find me wanting. I guess I still feel like something of a fraud, that I am maintaining a façade and will soon be unmasked. It’s interesting that the impression I have of them as people and how they make me feel is secondary. It occurred to me that perhaps I am a narcissist myself, yet I don’t think I fit that trait as I don’t feel any superiority I simply fear that I’ll be found wanting. It’s still a crisis of confidence. This is exactly how I have steered myself in to unhealthy relationships in the past. My focus has been in the wrong place entirely. That fear ramps up and the emotional over rides the rational part of my brain. I then focus on tying not to be ‘found out’ by entering in to pattern of compliancy.

I’ve recently read a little bit about how our limbic system can steer us towards what is emotionally familiar. This has been the source of confusion for me. It only now becomes clear to me that while people can be polar opposites, they can still generate familiar emotional responses in me. The essence of this lesson for me is that it’s not the behaviours or attitudes of others that are the indicators of the health of a relationship for me, it’s my emotional response to them. The pay off for me in terms of familiarity is to be let down and abandoned emotionally in some way. This can come in all kinds of guises, it may be that the person I’m with is narcissistic and therefore not emotionally available, they may be somewhat pre occupied with their careers or their own personal problems and therefore not available to me there are many examples, the fact is that these are the kinds of people and situations that I’ve invested my emotional time and energy on, and not surprisingly they have not been fulfilling experiences. They have however been so familiar that I’ve not even realised their shortcomings.

It has always felt callous not to offer help and support to people that are going through difficult times, my lesson is to see it for what it is and not to expect the emotional pay off that I’ve been searching for since I was a child, not to expect love and equal investment in return. That will only come with and from a person that is in a healthy enough emotional position themselves to do so. I read this quote yesterday ‘Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.”Elizabeth Bibesco (1897-1945). That is what I need to understand, that life is not about emotional book keeping, One gives from one column therefore one must receive from another in order to balance the book at the end of the day. Life simply isn’t like that. I spent years in good faith with someone thnking that the books would be balanced at some point, that I would receive my fair share in return one day. That way of thinking was the cause of my unhappiness in the end. Not that I felt I had lost a true love, I simply felt that I had invested and not received a return. If I had given the love consciously as a gift, there would have been no loss. The notion of fair play was not appropriate. If I had accepted the person I was with for who he was I would have understood that he did not have it in him to give what I wanted. He did not have what it took to fill the void. He didn’t have the love I wanted from my own parents, or from himself. He had a void of his own to fill, and he is still seeking to fill it using other people.

I understand now that only I can fill that void. I need to retrain those limbic system intincts, to seek what makes me happy, I need to create a new type of familiarity for them to seek. 

Here are a couple of great articles:

 http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/02/09/a-general-theory-of-love-part-1/

Make sure to read part 2 also

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/21-tips-to-release-self-neglect-and-love-yourself-in-action/

 

Mid Life Dating

 

I’m wondering if as a person dating in my 40’s I’m any wiser than when I was a teenager. I guess I have compiled knowledge over the years, but the problem is that as soon as I gain enough wisdom to lay down a game plan, I look up to find that the goal posts have been moved and the shape of the ball has changed….

I think the fact that I am considering and analysing anything to do with dating rather than just ‘going with it’ must be some kind of progress. These days I look back over previous relationships and try to determine what was right and what was wrong. I review my mistakes and try to work out what the lesson was.

The problem is that in applying that knowledge to my current situation I still find there are gaping holes in what I need to know! Now in my 40’s I have 2 kids to consider. There are also other complications.

Whilst society misses no opportunity to remind me that it’s not considered normal to be alone, I’ve actually for a large part found it to be a great experience. Of course there are times when I feel overwhelmed by the day to day tasks of living and wish I had someone to share the burden, and there are times when it’s lonely and I miss adult company and intimacy, but putting a couple of insecurities aside, I have enjoyed the opportunity to reflect on my life and to make my own decisions without having to consult, compromise or acquiesce.

I have gained confidence in myself, however I still carry some fear of falling back in to old patterns and repeating mistakes. In addition, I worry about my kids, how they would react to someone, how they would get along, would it impact my relationship with them, their relationship with each other. As a single parent I often feel like family life is a house of cards, and live in fear of the small draft that could blow it all to pieces.

Having lived with someone that changed dramatically in attitude to me overnight, I’m also wary of the truth behind our facades, I wonder who the person might be when the initial dating phase is over, or the chips are down, or temptation is put in their path, or the first disagreement occurs.

Than there are the rules of dating, is it ok to date more than one person at a time? If you haven’t discussed being ‘exclusive’ is dating more than one person acceptable? It certainly wasn’t in my youth, I always seemed to stumble straight in to relationships with consistently if diversely unsuitable people. Now that I am a time poor single parent with very limited child free time it seems like some new strategic skills are required. The art of dating at this point of life is mysterious. Made particularly difficult if one is playing catch up on the emotional development that was stunted during a previous unhealthy relationship. It’s an emotional minefield, dodging being hurt, trying to avoid hurting others. It seems that some overlap is going to occur. At this stage we are a million light years away from swapping sorority rings and going steady on the basis of a whim of attraction. As mature adults, dating is a slow process. Circling and observing, peeling away the layers trying to get to the real person. No declarations of exclusivity are on the table for quite some time, in fact if they are put out too soon that may be an alarm signal. Until such a declaration is made, one is free to date others. In fact it is the only practical and level headed thing to do. Otherwise one might invest months in fortnightly dates only to decide that there really is no chemistry and that things aren’t going to progress any further. So, why does it feel so odd? It sometimes feels more like being on the commodities market weighing options than how one would expect that dating should feel. Practicalities have become so much more of an issue than in my youth. It’s not all about romantic flights of fancy any more. It’s scientific. Measuring and comparing, trying to find the right fit. Trying to consider every ones feelings, and every ones role.

It’s not the carefree hazy endorphin driven experience it once was. Don’t get me wrong. It is also fun. The experience of spending time with someone that actually wants to and enjoys spending time with you is an absolute tonic. It’s really wonderful in so many ways, it’s just not as unmeasured. It can restore your faith in human nature, or in your own new found ability to say no to someone that you know is not going to be right for you. It is a growth experience. Everything old is new again, and as such ,daunting.
No matter how mature we pretend to be, there is an angst ridden teenager lurking inside each one of us.
I often wonder how this is from a mans perspective, I’d love to hear. For a woman there is also the issue of vanity, one isn’t at the peak of ones physical beauty any more and that can feel disempowering in some ways, but liberating in others. I feel as though I can simply be me now, not an image or a prize, but a human being. If I’m accepted now it’s to be for just that. I don’t want to be accepted for the way I look, or the prospects I have, I want to be wanted for just me.

So in summary, I don’t feel as though the well of wisdom is quite ready to over flow yet, but I do on reflection realise that I am at a place where I am more comfortable with who I am than ever before and I’m ok on my own. I just need to remind myself of that a lot when I dip my toe in to the dating waters, so that I don’t let my old anxieties perceive a whirlpool where only still waters exist.

TV show on Narcissism – SBS Insight episode

Narcissism

http://news.sbs.com.au/insight/episode/index/id/366#watchonline

Getting the love you want over and over again

Here is a fantastic article I found on psychcentral. I can absolutely relate to the analogy of the fruit loops. Recently I’ve been reminded of some of the behaviours I lived with as a child and was absolutely struck by the similiarity to the types of behaviour I’ve surronded myself with as an adult. It’s really no coincidence, we are all determined to solve that puzzle before we move on – we just don’t realise it.

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/04/10/getting-the-love-you-want-over-and-over-again/

In his New York Times bestseller, Getting the Love Your Want, psychologist Harville Hendrix explains why people who grew up in homes — well, a little like the one in the 2006 flick Little Miss Sunshine — without proper emotional nurturing seek dysfunctional relationships as adults. He explains the low brain — our more reptilian thought process that can’t handle anything different than what it already knows and reverts to fear as its primary gear — and the new brain, the cerebral cortex that is conscious, alert, able to reason and think logically. He writes:

What we are doing, I have discovered from years of theoretical research and clinical observation, is looking for someone who has the predominant character traits of the people who raised us. Our old brain, trapped in the eternal now and having only a dim awareness of the outside world, is trying to re-create the environment of childhood. And the reason the old brain is trying to resurrect the past is not a matter of habit or blind compulsion but of a compelling need to heal old childhood wounds.

Some of you undoubtedly are thinking: “Oh puh-leaze, move on from the naval-gazing-it’s-my-mommy’s-fault theory.”

I may have uttered similar opinions had I not fallen into this trap so many times in my adult life, even as a happily married woman. What I failed to recognize until recently is that a healthy marriage doesn’t protect you from attempts to fill in the deep hole left from the earlier years. If you don’t do it in your primary romantic relationship, you get the job done via friendships and family relationships. Try as you may to recover from your past and move on, but I agree with Hendrix that you will always subconsciously seek to heal those wounds by trying to recreate a similar situation and forcing it to be different.

The trick is disassociating the situation from the brain phenomenon.

It’s not about the person, place, or thing you are fixated on. It’s not about the friend who is emotionally unavailable. It’s not about the relative who will never remember your birthday. Or the co-worker who is smarter (or so he thinks) than you. It’s merely the low brain recognizing a possibility to have some fun, a potential sandbox to build the sandcastle of your youth so that this time it can stand forever.

There is relief, I think, in knowing that there are patterns of thought that are so intense and ingrained in us that we may not even be conscious of what’s going on until we reach an “ouch” point, at which point we say, “What in the world? Where did this come from?”

I liken it to being brought up eating fruit loops.

Let’s say your mom fed you fruit loops for breakfast every day from the time you were one. With skim milk. Just kidding. You really didn’t know anything different—that there was healthier stuff in the supermarket. Then, one day, your grandma comes to stay with you and makes you a bowl of Kashi whole grain cereal. It tastes awful. You take one bite and push it away.

“It’s good for you,” your grandmother says. “It will make you big and strong.”

“I don’t care,” you tell her. “I prefer to be small and fat and eat my fruit loops.”

It’s what you know. It’s comfortable. It’s familiar. Damn it. You just want your fruit loops.

But if you want a healthy relationship … in all forms (friendships, marriage, sibling bonds), you must train yourself to like the whole grain cereal. Even though your body genuinely craves the sugary, processed, colorful stuff, you must keep on eating the Kashi, trusting that one day you will crave the Kashi like you do the fruit loops.

Yesterday I was interviewed by a website on depression. One of the questions was this:

Sometimes people with depression feel so awful that they don’t want to do anything. Yet, when they get themselves to do something (take a walk, speak with a friend, etc.), they often feel better. Can you offer any suggestions as to how someone can take some positive actions when they are feeling really down?

I responded:

That’s really hard. I’ve been there, and I know how hard it is. I guess I know from patterns in my past that if I go through the motions, eventually one day I will realize I’m walking without thinking so hard about putting one leg in front of another. I guess you just have to trust that you won’t always feel miserable, but the steps to get there require your doing something that feels so counterintuitive. You have to steer right to go left, in other words. So if you can just say to yourself, “This feels like the worst possible thing I could do right now … but I’m going to try to do it anyway in the hopes that it will, one day, make me feel better.” You put a penny away every day in the hopes that one day you will be able to buy a small treasure with your coins.

It’s the same thing with your marriage or friendships or any relationship. In the beginning, and at times throughout the relationship, you have to steer right to go left. It’s not supposed to feel natural. Not to a person who grew up without the emotional nurturing that is supposed to take place during the early years. It feels foreign, scary, and just too stable!

“I don’t know how I managed to marry someone as grounded, compassionate, and wise as Eric,” I told my therapist the other day. “He certainly doesn’t fit the profile of anyone I dated before him. He is the only person with whom I’ve felt peace.”

“He is your angel,” she said.

He is my Kashi.

So I pursue the fruit loops in friendships that can’t sustain me, in less-than-healthy family relationships, in every possibility I have to cling as though my life depended on it to a person, place, or thing that is emotionally unavailable. And the more unavailable, the tighter I cling, so that subconsciously I can transform those days of abandonment to unconditional love, a kind of emotional nurturing that I so crave.

But the good news is that I’m catching myself sooner in the process than I used to, so it doesn’t hurt as bad when I finally realize what I’m doing. I’m investing less and less of myself into building the sandcastle of my youth because I know that it’s only a matter of time before the waves or the wind destroy it. I can’t heal it by revisiting it. Not by making a friendship into something that it can’t be. Or giving a relative a birthday calendar that he can hang on his wall. The only way healing happens is by doing the counterintuitive thing and eating the wholegrain cereal.

Because, grandma was right. It will make you big and strong.

Image by http://nutritiouslife12.wordpress.com

21 Tips to stop being a people pleaser

21 Tips to Stop Being a People-Pleaser
By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/21-tips-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser/all/1/

People-pleasers “want everyone around them to be happy and they will do whatever is asked of them to” keep it that way, according to Susan Newman, Ph.D, a New Jersey-based social psychologist and author of The Book of No: 250 Ways to Say It—And Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever.

“They put everyone else before themselves,” she said. For some, saying “yes” is a habit; for others, “it’s almost an addiction that makes them feel like they need to be needed.” This makes them feel important and like they’re “contributing to someone else’s life.”

People-pleasers yearn for outside validation. Their “personal feeling of security and self-confidence is based on getting the approval of others,” said Linda Tillman, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist in Atlanta, GA and assertiveness expert. Thus, at the core, people-pleasers lack confidence, she said.

They worry how others will view them when they say no. “People don’t want to be seen as lazy, uncaring, selfish or totally egocentric,” Newman said. They fear “they’ll be disliked and cut from the group,” whether it’s friends, family or co-workers.

What many people-pleasers don’t realize is that people-pleasing can have serious risks. Not only does it put a lot of pressure and stress on you, Newman said, but “essentially you can make yourself sick from doing too much.” If you’re overcommitted, you probably get less sleep and get more anxious and upset. You’re also “depleting your energy resources.” “In the worst case scenario, you’ll wake up and find yourself depressed, because you’re on such overload because you possibly can’t do it all,” she said.

Here’s a slew of strategies to help you stop being a people-pleaser and finally say no.

1. Realize you have a choice.

People-pleasers often feel like they have to say yes when someone asks for their help. Remember that you always have a choice to say no, Newman said.

2. Set your priorities.

Knowing your priorities and values helps you put the brakes on people-pleasing. You know when you feel comfortable saying no or saying yes. Ask yourself, “What are the most important things to me?” Newman suggested.

3. Stall.

Whenever someone asks you for a favor, it’s perfectly OK to say that you’ll need to think about it. This gives you the opportunity to consider if you can commit to helping them. (Also important is to ask the person for details about the commitment.)

Newman suggested asking yourself: “How stressful is this going to be? Do I have the time to do this? What am I going to give up? How pressured am I going to feel? Am I going to be upset with this person who’s asking?”

Asking yourself these questions is key because, as Newman said, very often after you’ve said yes or helped out, you’re left wondering, “What was I thinking?” I neither have the time nor the expertise to help out.

If the person needs an answer right away, “your automatic answer can be no,” Newman said. That’s because “Once you say yes, you’re stuck.” By saying no automatically, “you leave yourself an option” to say yes later if you’ve realized that you’re available. And “you’ve also gotten it off your must-do or don’t-want to do list.”

4. Set a time limit.

If you do agree to help out, “limit your time frame,” Newman said. Let the person know that “I’m only available from 10 a.m. to 12 p.m.,” for example.

5. Consider if you’re being manipulated.

Sometimes, people are clearly taking advantage of you, so it’s important to watch out for manipulators and flatterers, Newman said. How do you spot them? She said, “Often the people who flatter you will say [statements like], ‘Oh you’re so good at baking cakes, would you make a cake for my child’s birthday?’ or ‘I don’t know how to put this bookcase together, but you’re so handy, can you help me out?’”

A classic line is “Nobody does this better than you do,” she said. Also, these people “will either coax you into doing something or try to tell you what your availability is or what your time frame is.” Basically, before you know it, they make the decision for you.

6. Create a mantra.

Figure out a mantra you can say to yourself to stop you from people-pleasing. It can even be a visual as simple as a big “No” flashing when a certain friend who “can always talk you into something” approaches you, Newman said.

7. Say no with conviction.

“The first no to anyone is always the hardest,” Newman said. But once you get over that first bump, “you will be well on your way to getting off the yes treadmill.” Also, remember that you’re saying no for good reasons. “You get time for yourself and for the people you really want to help,” she said.

8. Use an empathic assertion.

Some people initially think that being assertive means “stepping all over people,” Tillman said. Instead, she explained that “assertiveness is really about connection.”

Using an empathic assertion “means that you put yourself in the other person’s shoes as you assert yourself,” Tillman said. So you let the person know that you understand where they’re coming from, but unfortunately, you can’t help. “People need to feel heard and understood,” and this is a respectful way of asserting yourself and saying no.

9. Consider if it’s worth it.

When asserting yourself, Tillman suggested asking yourself, “Is it really worth it?” It’s probably not worth it to tell your boss about his annoying habit, but it is worth it to tell your friend that you can’t do lunch because you’re super busy.

10. Don’t give a litany of excuses.

It’s tempting to want to defend your decision to say no to someone so they understand your reasoning. But this actually backfires. According to Newman, “As soon as you start explaining, you give the other person lots of wiggle room to come back and say, ‘Oh, you can do that later,’ ‘You can adjust your schedule’ or ‘That’s not as important as what I’m asking.’”

11. Start small.

“Everything we learn how to do we learn through a process,” so take baby steps, Tillman said. Instead of barging into your boss’s office to ask for a raise, talk with your immediate supervisor first about how to prepare yourself for the talk, she said.

12. Practice successive approximation.

Successive approximation means taking “one step in the direction you want to go” and rewarding yourself for getting that far, Tillman said. If your neighbor’s dog’s barking is driving you crazy, make efforts to confront the person by first saying “Good morning,” as you’re both leaving the house, she said. Another time, you might mention how noisy the neighborhood has been. If he doesn’t get the hint, you can knock on his door and use an empathic assertion.

It can help to write down “how you get from A to Z,” Tillman said. This also helps you gain courage to confront the person, she added.

13. Don’t apologize — if it’s not your fault.

People-pleasers tend to be serial apologists, Tillman said. Pay attention to when you’re apologizing and consider if you’re really at fault. Ask yourself if you’re responsible for the situation, she said. Usually, the answer is no.

14. Remember that saying no has its benefits.

As Newman said, “you as a person are entitled to your time and you need to rest and rejuvenate to be there for the people you want to help out.” Look at saying no as an opportunity to spend your time doing what you value in your life.

15. Set clear boundaries — and follow through.

“We all have physical or emotional limits,” Newman said, and because of these limits, we have to set boundaries. Ask yourself what you’re willing to do, and don’t go beyond these limits. Also, be clear in communicating your boundaries. Say what you’re thinking and what you want.

Letting someone step over your boundaries without voicing your frustrations can lead you to “bottle up this negative feeling about a person…to the point when you have a blowup and really hurt someone’s feelings or end the relationship” completely,” she said.

For instance, you might “have a friend who’s just so emotionally needy and negative that she calls you all the time with her problems and wants you to listen,” Newman said. But “even just listening is asking a favor…[and] every time you hang out, you’re miserable and she feels better.” Respect your boundaries, and at some point, say to her, “I can’t help you,” Newman said.

There also are subtle ways to respect your boundaries. You might “start taking every other call and wean yourself off of her.” You can do the same thing with a person who calls you at your busiest time of day. You might say, “I can’t be available for you at 2:30 because I’m at the office; let’s set up a particular time to talk,” she said. When setting up the time, offer one that works best for you.

Setting physical boundaries might mean telling a person that they can’t just pop over when they want to or borrow your things without asking, she said.

16. Don’t be scared of the fallout.

People-pleasers often worry that after they say no, the fallout will be catastrophic. But as Newman said, “the fallout is never as bad as we think it is.” In fact, “it’s usually very insignificant.” Why? For starters, “people are not thinking about you as much as you think.” Usually after you say no, a person is more focused on who they’ll be asking next to help them than your so-called betrayal, she said.

Even a significant request such as being the maid of honor at your friend’s wedding isn’t disastrous. Being the maid of honor “takes a lot of time, energy and money,” which you may not have. You saying that “I’m really honored and this means so much to me, but I won’t be able to do it,” “isn’t going to ruin the wedding,” Newman said. “If you have a solid friendship, this isn’t going to end it.”

17. Consider who you want to have your time.

Newman suggested asking yourself, “Who do I really want to help?” As she put it, “Do you want to be there for your parents or some friend from college who lived down the hall who you partied with a lot who’s back in your life and really demanding?”

18. Self-soothe.

Using positive self-talk is “like being a good mother to yourself,” Tillman said. You can use this to remind yourself of your priorities and boundaries. For instance, you might say “I can do this,” “I have the right to park in this parking spot,” “I made the decision that’s right for me” or “My values are more important than saying yes in this situation.”

19. Recognize when you’ve been successful.

Many people-pleasers tend to focus on what went wrong, Tillman said. Counteract this tendency by keeping a journal with the times you handled a situation well, such as when you were assertive or didn’t apologize. In fact, you might be surprised at “how many more times you’re responding confidently,” she said.

20. Keep a confidence file.

Since a lack of confidence can cause your people-pleasing ways, keep a file with positive and praising emails, cards or anything else, Tillman said. (For instance, Psych Central associate editor Therese Borchard keeps a self-esteem file.) It can even come in handy when asking for that raise. Tillman suggested printing out any emails or letters of praise you’ve received from co-workers or higher-ups and taking them to your boss as another reason why you deserve a raise.

21. Realize that you can’t be everything to everyone.

Again, people-pleasers want to make everyone happy. While you might make someone happy temporarily, Newman said, it doesn’t work long term. And you can get hurt in the process. “People who preserve their time and energy and don’t say yes to everyone also realize that they can’t make other people happy,” she said. People-pleasers must realize that the only thoughts and feelings they can change are their own.

TIPS FOR SUCCESSFUL GOAL

http://www.makingchanges.com.au/resources/Tips%20for%20Successful%20Goal%20Setting.pdf

(1) Think about your life and what you would like to be different. Specify
exactly what you would like to change. If you are feeling happier in 6-12
months time, what will you be doing then that is different to what you are
doing now?
(2) Write down exactly what you would like to achieve. Be as specific as
possible. People who set specific goals are much more likely to succeed
than those who set vague goals.
(3) Record your goals in positive terms. Instead of stating your goal as “To
stop sleeping in”, rephrase it by saying: “My goal is to get up by 8.00 am
every morning”.
(4) Make sure your goals are realistic and achievable. If you set goals that are
unrealistic then you might just find you’re more likely to fail and to be
disappointed. To ensure you’re realistic you may need to consider your
financial situation, time availability, emotional resources or other
circumstances in life.
(5) Divide you goal list up into “short-term” goals and “long-term” goals. Be
realistic about how long it might take to achieve your goals. Often, a
number of short-term goals need to be completed in order to achieve
longer term goals. You can think of these as the rungs you need to climb
to reach the top of a ladder. Where possible, set specific dates for
completion of each goal.
(6) Break down each goal into steps. For example, if the goal is to find a new
job, consider what steps you would have to take to achieve this. You
might have to prepare a resume (or update an old one), speak with an
employment consultant, look in the newspaper, and so on. Once again, set
a date for the completion of each step.
(7) When you achieve each step or the goal itself, acknowledge it by
rewarding yourself. It is important to recognise your achievements. Each
step you take is an achievement, and indicates that you are on your way to
achieving your goals.

Tips on How to be Happy from the Happiness Institute

How to Be Happy – 10 Top Tips That Really Work!
1. Know where you’re going
Happy people tend to have clear, well-defined goals. Work out where you want
to be and what you need to do to get there. Ensure your goals are SMART
(Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Timed).
2. Know why you’re going there
Developing a sense of life purpose will also markedly increase your chances of
experiencing true happiness. As well as working out where you want to get to,
make sure you have a good reason for why you’re trying to go there.
3. Go with your strengths
Work out what you’re good at and find ways to do it as much as possible.
Happiness is not as much about fixing your faults and overcoming your
weaknesses as it is about finding ways to focus your life on and around your talents
and qualities.
4. Don’t go alone
Enlist the support of family and friends. Those who have good intimate
relationships and those who actively and consistently work to improve the quality
of their relationships tend to be happier. So invite others to join you in your
endeavours, share your experiences, and don’t forget to also support them as
well.
5. Go with a positive attitude
One of the most significant, contributing factors to happiness is optimistic thinking.
Although you won’t always have a choice in determining what goes on around
you, you will always have a choice in determining how you think about what goes
on around you. This will largely determine the extent to which you are, or aren’t,
happy.
6. Ensure you have the energy to go all the way
Being happy depends at least in part on being healthy. Being healthy depends
on keeping active and exercising regularly, eating an adequate and wellbalanced
diet, and ensuring you attain enough sleep and rest.
7. Control which way you go
Happiness can be enhanced by maximising the control you have over your life.
So learn and practice skills such as problem solving and time management,
meditation and communication. At the same time, however, no one has
complete control and so it is also important to be realistic and to accept that over
which you have no control.
8. Maintain discipline along the way
Happiness is nothing more than a few simple disciplines practiced every day while
misery is a few bad habits or errors of judgement repeated every day. Although
happiness might not be yours today, you can certainly start to implement the
strategies you need today. Maintain focus and you’ll be happy before you know
it!
9. Be present every step of the way
Happy people tend to spend more time thinking about and “being in the present”
as opposed to dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. Learn from your
mistakes and plan to achieve, but practice living life in the moment and enjoy
happiness now.
10. Go, go and keep going all the way
We all face obstacles and problems at times. Happy people expect this and
adapt when necessary. All of the components outlined above are skills that can
be learned. Just like any other skills, you’ll get better at utilising these strategies
with practice and perseverance. Stick at it and happiness will be you

http://www.thehappinessinstitute.com/

Living is Limitless

We can often become trapped within what we have decided are our limitations. We are creatures of habit driven by the habitual reactions embedded in our sub conscious minds.
It’s easy to feel that we are what we are and that nothing is ever going to change it.
However in truth we are what we chose to be.
The ruts that we perceive we are in only exist in our minds – and our minds are like plasticine. We can remould them.

Our subconscious mind stores reactions based on the experiences we’ve had. We can replace old experiences and reactions with new ones. If we examine our lives we can identify areas where we need to improve and change and we can set about making those changes. There is boundless information available to us.

If you are serious about restarting your life, make a commitment to do it. Get your priorities in proportion and order. What is really important to you? Where do you want your life to take you, what do you want to change about yourself? It’s all achievable. As Napoleon Hill says ‘What you can conceive you can achieve’.

Belief is the only thing stopping you. Belief is a choice. If you chose to believe in your capacity to change than you have already achieved the first step. What other people say or think about you or to you doesn’t matter. What they think of you is their business and their problem. Only your opinion matters. If your opinion of yourself is low, today is a new day. Whatever it is that you have done to make yourself feel disappointed in yourself or angry with yourself, that’s all in the past now. Today is the day you are going to start changing how you feel about yourself.

Step number one is to forgive yourself. All that wasted energy on feeling inadequate is now going to be directed into accepting that you are a work in progress, with limitless potential. You are now going to be a kind person, and that includes being kind to yourself.

You’ve restarted, you’ve given yourself a fresh start. Enjoy the journey.

Here are a couple of interesting articles on Neuroplasticity. It used to be believed that the brain was formed in childhood and that was it, our limitations were set. Now however it’s known that we can continue to improve our brains throughout our lives. Our Limits are yet to be discovered.

http://anxiousmind.org/

http://eap.com.au/FileManager/Mar10_Newsletter/article_3.html

Making ‘the talk’ work for you April 5, 2011 The Age Newspaper

Here is a useful article from The Age Newspaper. Effective communication skills are critical to any relationship.

http://www.theage.com.au/lifestyle/lifematters/making-the-talk-work-for-you-20110405-1d0f7.html

Making ‘the talk’ work for you April 5, 2011 – 12:11PM

Comments 10
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Feel the fire … don’t get burned. Emphasise your feelings with words, not volume.

Being emotionally engaged is not about love or loudness. It’s about having a deep discussion where everyone feels heard.

Things around you will go much better, whatever the situation, when you are able to talk to others without causing – or feeling – stress.

Try doing the following to improve your communication.

Advertisement: Story continues below 1. Identify your feelings. Knowing how you feel can be tricky. For example, depression manifests as anxiety 65 per cent of the time. Don’t just go with your first emotional rush; stay with it for a few minutes and get in touch with what you really feel.

2. Share your true emotions. When you speak from your heart, the other person feels it and your message will get through.

3. Feel the fire, but don’t get burned. If something really excites you or makes you angry, it is best to not display feelings that may make someone else uncomfortable. Share your exhilaration or ire with words, not volume.

4. Ask for a response. Sometimes people won’t answer your questions or acknowledge your feelings. If they don’t and you want some input, ask for it.

5. Find a safe place where you can vent. If you have negative emotions that you need to release, find a person you trust to talk with. Releasing your feelings will help you gain clarity on what the real issues are and then you can discuss them like an adult.

6. Never assume how someone else feels. If you are not absolutely sure, ask. When you know what’s going on emotionally, you can tailor your conversation to make it helpful – or at least not hurtful.

7. Make the dialogue meaningful. If both of you are really getting something from talking, it’s going to make this dialogue a potent one and future discussions much easier.

8. Accept that you may not feel great afterward. Not every conversation will end the way you want it to. You may not get what you want, or you may have to have another chat, and you will be sitting with some feelings that may be uncomfortable.

9. Speak how you want to be spoken to. Doing so will set the tone for the entire conversation. If you start out with an attack, you could end up in a war. If you begin with kindness and clarity, you will have a much easier time dealing with the problem.

10. If you don’t get what you need, get help. If you can’t make progress by yourself, bring in a third party. If you’re having an issue at work, the third party can be from the office or even an outside consultant. Or if it’s a personal issue, find a good counsellor. Sometimes an objective listener can guide everyone involved to a common resolution.

Miscommunication is the number one reason most people don’t get along. Whether it’s from a lack of understanding or something misspoken, you can use your emotions to help you heal the hurt with a thoughtful conversation.

If you want to smile watch this link

If you want to smile watch this link

Building Emotional Health

The link below is for a site which is a great place to start when we are ready to begin the healing process and need help in building emotional skills and balance.

Some of us are less skilled at recognising and dealing with our emotions than others. I know that I was somewhat emotionally stunted by my childhood experiences and that I learnt the habit of suppressing my own emotions early on in life. This is such an unhealthy and unproductive habit. I don’t mean that we should allow our emotions to explode by any means, in fact ironically by suppressing them this is what we end up doing. I mean that by familiarising ourselves with our own emotional triggers and patterns that we can learn to process them in a more rational way. If we understand where our feelings are coming from we may be kinder with ourselves in working through them.

It takes practice to live in this conscious way, but I believe it’s achievable and will lead to more harmonious relationships. It is all part of getting to know ourselves, and understanding our fears and their origins.

I was sent a link to a good article about getting our needs met, which I will also attach here. It’s all about how some of us fear asking for our needs to be met in case it leads to rejection. Had I understood that particular behaviour in myself a few years ago, I believe it would have lead to some different outcomes in my life today.

However, I have no regrets, the past couple of years have allowed me to reflect and learn and realise how lucky I am to have the opportunity to do so , and to hopefully share what I’ve learnt with my children and with anyone else that cares to read this blog!

These excercises are worth doing:

http://www.helpguide.org/toolkit/emotional_health.htm

http://www.dailystrength.org/health_blogs/cyndi/article/how-to-ask-for-what-you-need-and-overcome-fear-of-rejection

Article: Get to work on your happiness

Happiness seems increasingly illusive. As I’ve been making a more conscious effort to attain happiness, I’ve become increasingly aware of what appears to be an epidemic of unhappiness in society. I believe it’s as dangerous and as prevalent as obesity. If you read an article on just about any topic in a newspaper, and then continue on to read the comments at the bottom, it’s really quite alarming to see the vitriol being expressed. People seem to be harbouring such feelings of spite, jealousy and anger that the slightest trigger unleashes a toxic barrage.

So, are we just fated to be happy, unhappy or neutral beings? I don’t believe so, I agree with the article below (which I came across on the ABC website), that happiness is something we have to work on. The reward will match our efforts. Living a ‘neutral’ life , is not living a full life, it seems more like existing than living. An unhappy life is really an affront to nature and whoever or whatever you believe to be your creator. To perpetuate a petulant miserable existence, thereby poisoning the lives of those around you is the ultimate act of ingratitude and selfishness.

Depression of course is not a choice, it is an illness and I strongly believe it should be treated as such. By that I mean literally treated, and treated until an effective treatment is found. If talking therapy does not work, progress on to prescription therapy. Do not waste your life saying I don’t want to follow an ‘unnatural’ approach and wake up one day in your naturally aged body with your entire life behind you. There is no victory in that, that is just waste and waste is sinful.

So, to being happy. Not vacuously mindlessly happy, but a work in progress, living in appreciation of life and all it’s potential. Inspiring people around you to believe that life is boundless in what it has to offer. Appreciating the little pleasures and rewards.

Life as they say is made up of moments. Relish the good ones and seek out more.

Here is the article from the ABC site. I’ll also include a link to an article about destressing. This is something which is critical to work on , stress creeps up on you if you allow it to.

http://www.abc.net.au/health/thepulse/stories/2011/01/17/3115675.htm

Get to work… on your happiness
by Cathy Johnson
If you want to get fitter, you need to work at it. The same goes for becoming happier, a growing body of research shows.

Published 17/01/2011

Some of us might have been born happier than others, but all of us can increase our happiness – and science is showing us how.

“With happiness, people tend to think you’ve either got it or you haven’t,” says Sydney psychologist, Dr Tony Grant. “But that’s only partly true.”

We all seem to be born with a tendency to be either jolly or morose or somewhere in between, says Grant, director of coaching psychology at the University of Sydney. We tend to return to that level of happiness, even after major setbacks or triumphs.

But research shows the choices we make in our daily lives can nonetheless make a big difference to our wellbeing, Grant says.

In fact, as much as 40 per cent of the variation in happiness from one person to the next is thought to be due to the behaviours and activities we engage in.

As US-based happiness researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky puts it: “Sustainable happiness is attainable, if you are prepared to do the work.”

If you want permanent weight loss or fitness, you need to make permanent changes requiring effort and commitment every day of your life. And it’s the same with happiness, Lyubomirsky says.

But don’t expect constant bliss. “Happiness is about living a full, rich and meaningful life – being truly human, warts and all. It’s not about being happy all the time. Mood fluctuations are part of normal life,” Grant says.

How to be happier
Research shows there are some behaviours associated with life satisfaction and optimal wellbeing.

These include:

•practising acts of kindness towards others – both in your existing social circle and outside of it.
•devoting time to nurturing and enjoying relationships with family and friends.
•acknowledging and expressing gratitude for the good things in your life.
•practising optimism when thinking about the future.
•focusing on what you do well rather than your mistakes when you approach a new task.
•learning forgiveness.
•spending periods of time being “mindful” – focusing on the “here and now” rather than planning or worrying about your future.
•identifying goals that are important to you and actively pursuing them.
•working out what so-called “character strengths” you have (such as perseverance or playfulness) and finding ways to apply them often.
While some of these might seem daunting – how do you become more kind or more grateful? – the research has highlighted some specific ways you can take action.

Keeping a diary outlining three good things that happen to you each day can help you develop gratitude, for instance. Studies have shown groups who keep such journals have improved wellbeing and decreased depressive symptoms compared to control groups. (While it gets harder over time not to repeat things on the list, looking for new sources of gratitude apparently helps hone the skill.)

And if you want to act kindly, you could consider doing some kind of regular volunteer work. There’s evidence volunteering boosts not just your wellbeing, but possibly even your immunity to illness as well.

It might sound trite, but even routine chores like washing the dishes or brushing your teeth can play a role in boosting wellbeing. Mindfulness expert and former GP, Dr Russ Harris, says simple daily exercises where you engage your senses – such as touch, sound and smell – while doing household tasks can help you get better at being “fully present in the moment”. This is one of the key skills linked to happiness.

“The heightened sense of awareness that you develop when you cultivate mindfulness is not something that comes naturally,” Harris says. “You really need to practise regularly.”

Working out what matters
But some techniques require careful thought. Setting goals and working towards them can definitely boost wellbeing, says Grant, who has run six high-quality scientific trials showing this.

But you have to focus on the right sort of goals – ones related to things you truly value, not things you think you should or ought to do.

While it sounds paradoxical, he says one way to explore values that bring meaning and purpose to your life is to think about your death and write the eulogy you’d like to hear read at your funeral.

While it’s a confronting technique, it’s been shown to be powerful because it can help highlight what really matters to you. (You can find more details about how to approach the eulogy exercise and other techniques shown to help improve wellbeing on the Making Australia Happy website based on the ABC documentary series.)

But exactly how much of a difference any exercise or strategy will make for you is hard to predict. The evidence tends to come from studies of groups of people. So you might need to consider a suite of strategies to see which ones work best for you.

“The pursuit of happiness and wellbeing is such an individual thing,” Grant says.

“Learning forgiveness could be enormously powerful for one individual, but less so for another. For another person, doing small acts of kindness – if they’re trapped in a very self-centred, self-focused world – that might be huge.”

Try and try again
It’s not just your mental focus that affects how happy and fulfilled you feel. Maximising your physical health is also critical.

“If you’re not getting enough sleep, if you’re living on rubbish food and you’re not getting any exercise, that’s a very poor foundation on which to build wellbeing,” Grant says.

And even then, there are no magic quick fixes. Not only will it take sustained commitment, but you should expect to relapse many times along the way.

“For any behaviour change program, it takes between seven and eight attempts on average before you cement down that change. If you’re trying to create any meaningful change, that’s just the way it is,” Grant says.

http://www.abc.net.au/health/library/stories/2008/12/16/2440879.htm#d

Egocentric Personality Types

Another personality types worth familiarising ourselves with. Knowledge is power after all.

This definition is from http://psychology.wikia.com/wiki/Egocentrism

Egocentrism is a personality trait having the characteristic of regarding oneself and one’s own opinions or interests as most important. The term derives from the Greek egô, meaning “I.” An egocentric person has no theory of mind, cannot “put himself in other people’s shoes,” and believes everyone sees what he sees (or that what he sees in some way exceeds what others see.)

egocentrism is defined as: a) from a cognitive development point of view there incomplete differentiation of the self and the world, including other people, so that one assumes others are having the same thoughts and feelings b) the tendency to perceive, understand and interpret the world in terms of the self, c) being overpreoccupied with ones own internal world

The term derives from the Greek egô, meaning “I”. An egocentric person has a limited theory of mind, cannot fully “put himself in other peoples’ shoes,” and believes everyone sees what he/she sees (or that what he/she sees, in some way, exceeds what others see)

It appears that this egocentric stance towards the world is present mostly in younger children. They are unable to separate their own beliefs, thoughts and ideas from others. For example, if a child sees that there is candy in a box, he assumes that someone else walking into the room also knows that there is candy in that box. He implicitly reasons that “since I know it, you should too”. As stated previously this may be rooted in the limitations in the child’s theory of mind skills. However, it does not mean that children are unable to put themselves in someone else’s shoes. As far as feelings are concerned, it is shown that children exhibit empathy early on and are able to cooperate with others and be aware of their needs and wants.

Jean Piaget (1896-1980) claimed that young children are egocentric. This does not mean that they are selfish, but that they do not have the mental ability to understand that other people may have different opinions and beliefs from themselves. Piaget did a test to investigate egocentrism called the mountains study. He put children in front of a simple plaster mountain range and then asked them to pick from four pictures the view that he, Piaget, would see. Younger children picked the picture of the view they themselves saw.

However the Mountains Study has been critised for judging children’s visual spatial awareness, rather than egocentrism. A follow up study involving police dolls showed that even young children were able to correctly say what the interviewer would see. It is thought that Piaget over-estimated the levels of egocentrism in children.

Autistic people are particularly likely to be egocentric.

Happiness delegations

A lot of relationships flounder because one person comes to the conclusion that their partner simply doesn’t make them happy anymore. I’m not sure at what point we begin to believe that our happiness is someone else’s responsibility, but it is a common belief.

Not only do we charge them with the responsibility, we begin to resent them for not fulfilling it. The resentment simmers slowly over time. Intolerance grows. Everything they do becomes increasingly irritating, because, they are not devoting themselves to the task of making us happy. The problem is that we’ve just stepped on to a carousel ride and are now bobbing up and down going around and around in a vicious circle. What they do irritates us, it’s not right, they’ve done it wrong or you shouldn’t have had to ask them to do it. What they don’t do irritates us for much the same type of reasons. It seems that when people in our lives fail at the task of making us happy, that they devote their energy entirely to driving us out of our minds.

The truth is that once we develop this passive attitude to our own happiness, that our partner is in a no win situation. They are obviously doomed to failure, and are sadly also doomed to be despised for it.

Happiness is very much something which can only be generated from within. When we absolve ourselves of the responsibility for doing this, we become very hard to live with and to be around. We exude petulance and eventually bitterness. We taint everything with negativity. We smother the flames in our lives one by one, until we find our selves living in a dark, dreary, depressing and seemingly hopeless place. We regurgitate excuses about why we can’t do anything about it, we lay blame on others in our lives and try to assert that our circumstances are somehow more difficult than the circumstances of others.

The truth is that life is a series of choices. To coin a phrase I read recently a happy life is all about more gratitude and less attitude. Nobody has an easy life, it’s simply not what life is meant to be. We all go through periods where we may feel devastated and beaten down by life, sometimes even shocked and traumatised by it. However, we can allow ourselves to heal and hopefully find that we have maintained a kernel of optimism and from that we can reap happiness again.

Our partners cannot make us happy. Loving them can make us feel happy.

When we are feeling unhappy and unfulfilled we have a task to do, and it cannot be delegated. We need to know and understand ourselves and truly understand what it is that makes us tick as people and what it is that will make us happy. If we examine our feelings and find that we are feeling consistently low and unmotivated we need to recognise that we may be suffering from depression. This is not going to go away on it’s own. It’s definitely not going to go away because your partner finally remembered to load the dishwasher before being asked to. Depression is an illness and needs to be treated as such. Failure to treat depression may seem like a ‘brave’ option, but think about the impact you are having on the people in your life before you assess it as such. Believe me you are having an impact.

If you are simply in a funk or a rut, you need to drag yourself up by the collar and do something about it. Do what makes you happy. Be realistic about what makes you happy, abandoning your family to go travelling around the world may be the first response you come up with – but that is just a cop out. Happiness can come from the simplest of things. The problem seems to be that we stop acknowledging all the simple pleasures in our lives, choosing to skirt over them, and instead focus on any minor negative that occurs. If you love reading and you have time to read – well you need to acknowledge how great that is. If the sun is shining and you can go sit out side with a coffee with the sun on your face for 5 minutes, you’re pretty lucky, that is a nice thing to do – acknowledge it.

I think we need to teach ourselves to note these happy moments and eventually we’ll realise that our lives have far more of them than we realise. A journal is a great way of doing this. A positive journal where you record some of the positive things that have happened to you every day, will in time, lift your spirits.

Your partner cannot make you happy, but if they stand in the way of what makes you happy or if they crush your dreams, that is something entirely different. I believe that in a lot of cases they don’t’ . They want to see you happy. When you are happy you are simply a better partner, you are nicer to be around and they are therefore more inclined to be nicer to you. That’s simple human nature. If someone is nice to us we like them and like being around them, if they are not nice to us we don’t. When you stop being nice to your partner, you are on a downward spiral. Don’t get caught in the blame game/chicken and egg of who stopped being nice first, you’re responsible for your own actions so be nice!

How good are you at being nice to yourself? Do you smile at people when you greet them? How hard would you find it to genuinely smile at yourself in the mirror. To look at the reflection and genuinely like the person you see looking back at you? If the answer is that you would find it difficult – than that is the person you need to tackle about your happiness task. That is where your happiness supply is being blocked. Get that relationship right, and you will be happier.

xxx

5 steps to being happy by Clara Moskowitz of msnbc

Taken from :http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/35527612/ns/health-behavior/

By Clara Moskowitz
LiveScience Senior Writer

The pursuit of happiness is sometimes easier said than done.

Some scientists have argued that happiness is largely determined by genetics, health and other factors mostly outside of our control. But recent research suggests people actually can take charge of their own happiness and boost it through certain practices.

“The billion-dollar question is, is it possible to become happier?” said psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky of the University of California, Riverside. “Despite the finding that happiness is partially genetically determined, and despite the finding that life situations have a smaller influence on our happiness than we think they do, we argue that still a large portion of happiness is in our power to change.”

Lyubomirsky spoke here Saturday at the annual meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science. She and colleagues last year reviewed 51 studies that tested attempts to increase happiness through different types of positive thinking, and found that these practices can significantly enhance well-being. The results were published in the Journal of Clinical Psychology.

Here are five things that research has shown can improve happiness:

1. Be grateful: Some study participants were asked to write letters of gratitude to people who had helped them in some way. The study found that these people reported a lasting increase in happiness – over weeks and even months – after implementing the habit. What’s even more surprising: Sending the letter is not necessary. Even when people wrote letters but never delivered them to the addressee, they still reported feeling better afterwards.

2. Be optimistic: Another practice that seems to help is optimistic thinking. Study participants were asked to visualize an ideal future – for example, living with a loving and supportive partner, or finding a job that was fulfilling – and describe the image in a journal entry. After doing this for a few weeks, these people too reported increased feelings of well-being.

3. Count your blessings: People who practice writing down three good things that have happened to them every week show significant boosts in happiness, studies have found. It seems the act of focusing on the positive helps people remember reasons to be glad.

4. Use your strengths: Another study asked people to identify their greatest strengths, and then to try to use these strengths in new ways. For example, someone who says they have a good sense of humor could try telling jokes to lighten up business meetings or cheer up sad friends. This habit, too, seems to heighten happiness.

5. Commit acts of kindness: It turns out helping others also helps ourselves. People who donate time or money to charity, or who altruistically assist people in need, report improvements in their own happiness.

Lyubomirsky has also created a free iPhone application, called Live Happy, to help people boost their well-being.

Recommended book – The Doormat Syndrome by Lynne Namka

Hi Everyone

Just a quick post to recommend some reading – this book appears to be a fantastic tool for those working through codependency i.e. you now get the concept, but how do you actually change?

The Doormat Syndrome: Learning About the Correct Use of Power

by – Lynne Namka
Refer also to the get your angries out website.

I’ve seen that this book is available on Amazon. I’m sure it may be in most well stocked libraries also.

More on Narcissism

The attached link contains some great information on Narcissism. Understanding personality types takes us a long way to healing ourselves, as well as providing us with the knowledge required to form healthy and satisfying relationships going forward in our lives.

We are all products of our life experiences. Without a basic understanding of what makes a person who they are, it can take years to identify patterns and realise that there are recurring themes caused by personality traits. Often when we are not confident in ourselves it is a more automatic response to simply assume that we are somehow at fault all the time. It can be daunting to analyse our lives and relationships because we fear finding that we are perhaps even more culpable than we can cope with being. There is only so much shame and guilt that a person can bear.
By understanding what makes us who we are we can take a much more practical and compassionate approach. We can understand where our behaviour comes from and where our partners and indeed friends and family members behaviour comes form. With patience and dedication we can make the necessary modifcations to our own behaviours,. As for the people in our lives, only they can change their behaviour, however understanding them better may make it easier to deal with them. At worst it may put us in a better position to know if we wish to continue having them in our lives.

http://www.angriesout.com/grown17.htm

Gender war Truce

When a divorce becomes a battle it is easy to fall in to the trap of believing that one is in a battle of the sexes. I made that mistake and thought that I represented the Female experience whilst my ex represented the Male experience. Now, some 2 years later I have read and discussed the topic with so many people that I realise that gender was really never part of the equation. Certainly men and women approach things differently, however both are capable of being fair or unfair it’s as simple as that.

When a divorce becomes ugly it is simply down to personality traits, pre existing psychological damage and a combination of guilt, revenge, power imbalance and occasionally mismanagement.

The problem with allowing ourselves to be swept in to gender camps is that the underlying problems that cause the ugliness of divorce are never addressed. When you read a column on Divorce the comments below will quickly deteriorate in to a slanging match between men and women. Both will make absolute statements about each other along the lines of – ‘women get everything’, ‘men abandon responsibility’. Neither of these statements are true.

What I believe is that in an ugly divorce you may get a selfish aggressive ex partner trying to bombast and bully their way through grabbing all that they can, and this can be either gender. You may have a guilty party e.g. they may have had an affair or a gambling problem, they try to project and avoid their guilt by demonising their ex. You get the vengeful party who may be hurt and determined to make the other pay – again no gender bias there.

The legal system loves it and feeds the frenzy, if they manage to get a combination where both party’s are acting out it’s a pay day bonus for them. However even if one person is being perfectly reasonable they still have to defend themselves against the other so the Solicitors still make a killing.

I think its important that we all acknowledge that all of the grief caused in divorce can originate with either gender. As a society it would be much better if we discussed how to deal with selfish unreasonable behaviour rather than allowing ourselves to become part of the mindless rabble slinging stones across the barricades at the other genders camp.

When the Divorce is done and we feel that we are moving forward I think we need to be less naïve. There are good people and bad around and the full range that runs between the two extremes, however, without fully understanding the kind of people we attract and why, it is not wise to pursue another relationship. It’s like using a roulette table to determine who you want to commit yourself too. If our Divorce was ugly, that means there are clearly a lot of issues to be addressed. How did it come to that? How did we contribute? Once understood and acknowledged how do we avoid allowing that to happen again. Do we need another relationship at this point really? Do we not feel complete and ok to be alone for a while? Are we acting in our own best interests? That is a very important question, but not as simple to answer as we might think. It means taking a big step back and looking at our lives as a whole, and perhaps not liking the answers we get. We may not like to acknowledge that we need some time on our own, because it’s hard and society seems to says that we are somehow a failure for being on our own. We might not like to hear that our habits are self defeating because its easier to cling to what we know. However, we need to hear it and we need to give ourselves some constructive criticism.

If there is still any part of us that believe that gender is in some way connected to the collapse of our marriage than that is really not the greatest attitude to go in to a new relationship with. Prejudice does not belong in any aspect of our lives.

Passive Aggressive Partners

Here in Australia Magpies become very aggressive at certain times of the year, they swoop and attack people, particularly kids in bike helmets on their way to school, They’re very territorial. One minute they are perched innocently on an overhead cable the next minute you are flailing wildly defending yourself from them. A friend once recounted a story along those lines to me, she was walking along a very busy road in inner city Melbourne to her tram stop, when suddenly out of nowhere a magpie attacked her. She responded as anyone would , arms flying and lashing out trying to protect her face and head. The attack went on for a few seconds and she fought it off valiantly eyes shut, striking out against her unseen enemy. Eventually she opened her eyes and realised the bird was long gone, her defence had been somewhat excessive. She looked over to the road and saw all the drivers staring at her with a mixture of pity and alarm. They hadn’t seen the bird attack, they had seen her flailing wildly defending herself against absolutely nothing. My friend has a gift for story telling and when she recounted this the tears of laughter ran down my face, there she was in her business suit, forced to carry on as though nothing happened having made an absolute fool of herself.

Years later when I began to understand a bit more about passive aggressive behaviour that story came back to me. It is such a perfect metaphor for how it is to deal with a passive aggressive personality. The sudden and unexpected nature of their attacks and how they are able to swiftly retreat in to their ‘nice guy’ personas while you are still in the throes of defending yourself, making you look like some kind of unstable hyper sensitive hysteric.

I think my own take on it in a nutshell is, living with a passive aggressive person involves being constantly built up in order to be knocked down, sometimes knocked down very hard. If you are living with someone who somehow defers all of your plans while their own are always put into effect immediately than welcome to the world of the passive aggressive. If you live with someone whose catch phrase is that everything they do they do for you, when what they are doing is often against your express wishes you are in the PA partner club. As soon as you try to do something for yourself, it doesn’t matter how well discussed and how emphatically they agreed with it in the planning stage, at some point they will find a way to sabotage it, they will become carefully and even kindly discouraging, unavailable to fulfil their part of the bargain e.g. helping with childcare; they will become busy and overwhelmed and require you deflect your energy to once again supporting them, and if all else fails they will even resort to becoming sick.
They will agree to everything that you want and promise you more, You will be filled with conflicted emotions, gratitude combined with resentment and you wont fully understand why. Their smoke and mirrors tricks will distract you from the fact that none of their promises are fulfilled , instead you will just have that uneasy guilty feeling that all is not right.
The PA will tell you all the time what a great partner they are and how lucky you are to have them, and what a great parent they are, however they never initiate any activity with you or the family, it never occurs to them to think of others and others needs and how to service them beyond paying them lip service. You will hear a lot of worthy speeches and yet see no action. You will however often hear them take credit for your action.
When you are in a relationship with them, and to be in a relationship with such a person you do require low self esteem and zero self confidence, you blindly hope and believe that they will deliver on their promises, the years go by and it all becomes almost habitual.
Sometimes along the journey something will jolt you and you at the core of your being will feel that you have had enough. You will suddenly become acutely aware that you have needs and that none of them are being met. You will try to address this.
You will meet with resistance. It will begin passively, the odd subtle jibe, the usual hurdles put in your way, the guilt trips, it will gradually ramp up.
The ultimate act of Passive Aggression is when they realise that you are no longer compliant to them so they then embark on an affair. There are always plenty of eager needy desperate people willing to tell them whatever they want to hear, to lead the cheer squad when they deliver their standard old passive aggressive speech about how great they are. If someone is sufficiently desperate for a partner they will simply turn a blind eye to the fact that the person that is telling them how wonderful, reliable and honest they are is doing so behind the back of the person that they are committed to and that trusts them not to.

Passive aggressive people do not seek and find emotionally healthy people, they simply find the next needy co-dependent person that is open to their particular line of BS.

The realisation that comes with wisdom is that they can’t help their behaviour, unless they understand what it is and actively try to change it. Most of them just sail blindly and ignorantly through life. I myself went along with the behaviour, I didn’t know the term passive aggressive and even when I initially heard it I couldn’t quite get my mind around what it was and what it meant to me. I was so low in self esteem and confidence that it was easy for me to be convinced that I was the unreasonable and irrational one when I tried to eek some rights out of my relationship. I was so confused that I would often appear emotionally turbulent, there was always that bizarre incongruity between what my partner was saying and what he was doing. I could never reconcile my own feelings I was angry and resentful at how all my dreams seemed to be thwarted but I couldn’t quite pin point how it was happening because I was hearing all the right noises all the time and yet every road was somehow blocked. The same dynamic existed with my mother in law, the appearance and promise of support and love yet never the delivery of either. It was a roller coaster ride of being built up with promises and crashed down with disappointments .
Not that they were deliberately setting out to hurt. It’s simply how they are. In their minds they believed every single thing they say about themselves, every promise that they make is made sincerely. It’s a defensive action for them I think. They are equally lacking in self esteem and confidence so they try to maintain control by telling everyone what they want to hear. What better way to remain popular, and maintain your super nice image. That image is their shield. It stops everyone seeing how frightened and inadequate they actually feel. If however, they feel the people in their lives are going to grow, it terrifies them so they have to stunt that growth before it enables their partner to potentially grow away from them.

I guess understanding this frees one from the awful energy drain of slow burning anger. They are what they are. Only they can chose to change. In my case they are no longer part of my day to day life, so by letting go of the anger I’m no longer held back. One initially thinks that holding on to anger is a requirement of feeling vindicated. As soon as we let it go we can move forward and live our own lives to the full.

Xxx

I’ve attached a number of links which relate to co-dependency and passive aggression – you will see them under the Well Being Links section.

Dating Detonations

When we’ve been hurt in a relationship we often enter the world of dating armed and ready, explosives strapped to our belts. We have become conditioned to believe that being hurt is inevitable so rather than be blind sided we equip ourselves with all that is required to create a controlled explosion.
When we begin to date someone we strive to appear indifferent, and perhaps we are to the individual involved, yet if they don’t text or call us we become anxious messes. We are desperate to feel desirable and validated by someone, sometimes it doesn’t even matter who – as long as they are feeding the voracious appetite of our neediness.

Sometimes we have spent months working on feeling better about ourselves, and we really feel we’ve made progress and are complete . It’s true we have made progress. We are now more aware of ourselves. We are living more consciously than before. Yet it’s not until it’s put to the test that we realise we still have a few more wounds to heal.

When faced with allowing someone to be close to us again our automatic defence system snaps in to place. We weren’t even aware that we had one, yet we do and it’s dam impressive! Not always helpful or constructive, but impressive all the same. This system is responsible for arming and equipping us. It provides us with incendiary devices which we are compelled to plant in our interactions with our unsuspecting dates.

These little time bombs are delivered in the form of things like feigned indifference, making it clear that we are not interested in anything serious, and the main arsenal is usually planted in the form of something like ‘feel free to date others’.

Why do we behave this way? It’s to maintain control. If we enter a relationship openly trusting and investing ourselves, we are vulnerable. The inevitable hurt is lurking like a spectre waiting to get us when we least expect it , and the results may once again be devastating. However if we enter in the style of an SAS training exercise we can carefully construct the disaster, and when our new beau’s comply with our requests not to take things too seriously and they do see other people, we are already bunkered down and ready before the explosion occurs. We create the ultimate self fulfilling prophecy. Our old co dependant selves need to feel that control. Co dependency disregards the consequences of the outcome it simply drives us to be in control of what we anticipate the outcome to be and thereby create the feeling, however false, of being protected.

It’s senseless isn’t it.? So much emotional energy and precious time thrown in to relationships we are determined to detonate. A series of small explosives the preferred option over the risk of one very very large one.

Dating leads us to another level in our journey of self discovery, if allowed, it exposes the very core of us. There is nothing more terrifying than allowing someone near a recently reconstructed heart. The glue is still drying , the small vibrations caused by someone getting within even a wide radius may be enough to cause it to fall apart again. There is the key I think, the glue is not yet dry.

I think if we enter the dating world and start to feel these kind of behaviours kick in , that it is wise to pull back, if only for a while. It hasn’t been a waste of time by any means, because we have learned something more about ourselves. If we are in this frame of mind, we are likely to attract the wrong kind of people. We are a void and voids exist to be filled, they are not known to be discerning. Once attracted, we will orchestrate incidents with them to generate some emotional pain for ourselves, in our quest to get them before they get us.

Now we know better we can begin to prepare to do better. We’ve repaired ourselves in terms of day to day functioning, but it’s time for our greatest challenge yet. It’s time for us to address our neediness, to slow down and stop panicking. It’s time for us to be who we are, and let others see it. It’s time for us to learn to be vulnerable as a means to growing stronger. It’s time for us to relax and trust in life. When we are ready for dating not receiving a return text within an hour will not turn us in to obsessive stalkers exhibiting the same traits as a crac cocaine addict denied a fix. When we begin a relationship we will understand that it is equal. We’ll communicate our needs and if someone is not providing us with the emotional response that we feel we need, it will not result in a melt down on our part, it will simply be recognised that perhaps this person is simply not the right person, perhaps they are not that in to us and that is not a crime nor is it the end of the world. If someone is telling us either by their words or their actions that they are not interested in us as a whole package, we’ll listen. We lived without them before and we’ll continue without them now. We will not invest our entire emotional reserve into the responses of a person that is not reciprocating We’ll understand what we need from someone else and we’ll understand and value what we have to offer, we will no longer sell ourselves short.

We will recognise what it takes for us to be happy with someone, truly happy, not blindly infatuated with someone in spite of how much they may hurt us, not coolly indifferent to someone because we don’t want to allow them to be close to us emotionally, or even worse because we are simply dating them to be seen to be dating.

We’ll listen , really listen to our inner voice. As Susan Jeffers says – ‘Whatever happens we’ll handle it’

Moving on and changing old habits

I’ve attached this link to Melody Beatties site.
Melody Beattie wrote some very helpful books on codpedendancy and the language of letting go. I highly recomened them – they will be in most libraries I’m sure.

Her website also offers daily meditations and affirmations on the language of letting go – see http://melodybeattie.com/meditations/

It is important to reflect on our habits and how we need to change some in order to break out of the patterns that have brought us unhappiness. I now realise that as hard as it is to know other people, that it is hardest of all to truly know ourselves. It is something which requires constant reflection.

Where we are in life has much less to do with other people and their actions towards us than it has to do with our own habits and choices. If we are making poor choices we need to improve our thought processes. We do not have to repeat mistakes we simply have to learn from them. We owe it to ourselves to learn from our mistakes and use the lessons to improve our lives. Spend time reflecting on what has gone wrong and what you could have done differently and take the lesson forward with you. What’s done is done, however with a lesson learned it doesn’t have to be repeated.

The people that we have in our life, other than our immediate family are there because we have attracted them to us. If there are toxic people in our lives we have to examine why they are there, why do we keep them in our lives? We don’t have to.

We are often strangers to ourselves, getting to know ourselves can be difficult and at times painful. Being truly honest to ourself about ourself can be grueling. Not laying blame on others, taking full responsibility for our lives. This doesnt mean that nobody has ever wronged us, everyone of us will be wronged in some way or ways in our lives, it means understanding our part in it, how did we let it occur, where we not living conciously, where we in denial, where we complacent, where we needy, where we lazy and handing the reins of our lives to others? did we put the responsibility for our happiness on to someone else?

Our happiness can only ever be our own responsibility. Ouf financial security is our own responsibility. We can handle these tasks, we just have to believe in ourselves. Other people can add to our happiness and even our wealth, but ultimately it is up to us to be happy and secure, and with belief and effort of course, we can do it.

It’s never beneficial to beat ourselves up and criticise ourselves, we simply need to observe and learn and move on. Negativity is not productive. If our thoughts begin to spiral downwards we need to reach down and pick them up again, redirect them. Learn the habit of positive thinking. Our thoughts are our lives. Keep them positive and that is what our lives shall be.

Mid Life Crisis Article by Valentina Ibeachum

Valentina Ibeachum

http://www.articlesbase.com/marriage-articles/14-signs-that-show-if-a-midlife-crisis-is-destroying-your-marriage-145552.html

Here is yet another article on the signs of mid life crisis. We all want to understand what is going on when our partner shows these signs, the sad thing is that no matter how much knowledge you gather, it is a departed freight train and I don’t believe there is much you can do to stop it.

It may stop of its own accord further down the track, having done quite some damage on its trip, but it’s quite likely to keep on going until it disapears far away.

I believe that we all have some kind of mid life crisis, but out character determines the outcome. Affairs are not inevitable they are a choice. They are not justifiable, however fashionable or socially acceptable they may have become. They cause an enormous amount of pain and damage. Mid Life Crisis is real, but it’s not a justification for low acts.

If you are living with someone that is going through the items listed in the attached article, my heart goes out to you, it is a bewildering thing to experience.
xxx

How do we restart?

If you’re asking yourself that question than you already have.

It’s a mental shift, a gear change. You realise you are not stuck in the rut, you are simply in the rut. You begin to believe again. To believe in possibility. Possibilities are infinite.

Realise that you now believe that change is possible. Close your eyes and imagine a life that you believe you would be happy with. Google some images which you associate with that life. Print them out. Get some pins and a board and stick them to it. Leave the board where you can see it every day. You have now done something tangible about changing your life. You’ve had the vision, and you’ve made it in to a story board.

Think of one small step you can take to get you closer to that life, anything at all. Take that step.

You might not realise it, but you have turned a corner. You believe in life again. Think of something you enjoy and do it, nothing too big, just something simple. It might be taking a book down to the beach and reading for a while, it might be going to your favourite cafe and reading a magazine. Do it and enjoy it and appreciate it. It’s the start of your new life. Call someone you love. Walk the dog. Realise how much you enjoy these simple things and appreciate it even more.

You’ve just got yourself a new attitude and a new set of possibilities. You’re unstoppable.

Set backs will happen, but often the setbacks steer you in a better direction, so don’t be put off. Allow yourself a little down time, but than pick up, dust off and move on. Life is out there waiting for you and you’ve just unlocked the door and are free to get out there and back in to it.

Brain wash that refreshes – Article The Age byJudi Light Hopson, Emma H Hopson, RN, and Ted Hagen, PhD

http://www.theage.com.au/lifestyle/lifematters/the-brain-wash-that-refreshes-20110222-1b305.html

Here is an article which appeared in Melbournes The Age newspaper today. I found it interesting.

Do you need to clear out mental baggage from the past? Maybe old hurts, fears and plain bad memories leave you feeling depressed and exhausted.

Like a computer that needs a good scanning and cleaning, your brain may need a tune-up as well.

Troubling thoughts affect anyone’s emotional state. It’s much like a computer moving way too slow, because there are too many programs running in the background.

Advertisement: Story continues below Getting rid of clutter from your past will clean up space on your brain’s “hard drive,” so to speak. You’ll feel lighter and ready to move forward.

“I’ve been exhausted for 10 years,” says a woman we’ll refer to as Kate. “I have too much emotional baggage. I regularly think about old arguments with my ex-husband.”

We advised Kate to deal with her anxieties and past wounds. She needs to lighten her mental load. She needs to make room in her brain for goals she can feel excited about.

Most of us automatically spend a lot of time looking back, especially if bad things really have happened to us. But, we owe it to ourselves to purge junk out of our thinking.

These tips can help you deal and move forward:

Stop reacting and start responding. When you spend too much time reacting to stress, this keeps you in a victim’s role. Respond intelligently by saying, ‘I can take control of every situation without wasting too much of my own time.’
Stop living in the past. Force yourself to get at least three new goals that require dedication. Use your time more wisely by living fully in the present.
Dwell on positive memories. When you look back on your past, think about the good times only. Select only great memories and let the rest go.
“I used to have a tough time even looking at the house I grew up in,” says a doctor we’ll call Ron. “My dad drank a lot, and he verbally abused us. I was blocking out my family memories, but I was literally throwing that segment of my life away.”

Ron goes on to say that his cousin, Angie, is a psychologist. She advised him to go back and think only of the good times with his father.

“I spent about two weeks trying to recapture the great times we had,” says Ron. “I drove by the old house several times. I thought about the volleyball games and the cookouts my dad planned for us. That part of my childhood was wonderful.”

Ron says he began researching some of his dad’s military experiences. He realises his dad had post-traumatic stress from his combat service in Korea. Ron’s working on forgiving his dad and thinking about him as a hero.

“This approach has taken a lot of weight off my mind,” says Ron. “I don’t understand the bad stuff, and I don’t have to. I can let it go. I really do have the power to take this kind of approach.”

Ron says he feels less tired and more focused in his work, too.

“I don’t feel like overeating as much, either,” says Ron. “I used to have somewhat of a craving for food that’s kept me overweight. As a medical doctor, it was awkward to tell my patients to lose weight when I couldn’t. Those food cravings are under control now, and I really do feel very much at peace these days.”

MCT

Do we marry strangers?


I came across an interesting site tonight – http://www.andtheylivedhappilyeverafter.com/index.htm

I read the article no. 86 ‘Can you ever really know someone’ and also no. 87 Pre Nup Agreements. 87 tied in very well with the ‘Would planning for Divorce save more marriages’ post on this site.

I had Googled ‘how do we get to know someone’ as I wanted to write a follow up post on the planning for divorce item. I was thinking along the lines that ignorance of our partners and their true values, if cured early, could prevent a lot of misguided marriages and therefore certainly reduce Divorce rates. I was searching for some tips on how to get to truly know someone.

As I read through the ‘Can you ever really know someone piece’ I reflected on the techniques, and I realised that I had certainly been aware of these techniques, indeed they are the basis of most of my true friendships, I just don’t think of them in such clinical terms. They are all fairly straight forward in relationship building and maintenance.

It struck me that I had stopped using them in my relationship. Puzzling for a moment. When did I suddenly stop having any desire to get to know my partner? I think the short answer is, I got to know him up to a level where sub consciously I realised I didn’t really like him that much. I don’t mean that he’s a bad person, someone doesn’t have to be a bad person for this to happen. It’s just that you reach the limitation of the relationship, you reach a depth where you find that your core values and beliefs simply are not the same.

Suddenly I realise, that one finds oneself in this situation, of being tied to someone that one does not share these values with, not because we didn’t get to know them well enough prior to getting involved with them, it’s more because we didn’t know ourselves well enough.

As I was in a co dependant relationship I think we both spent a lot of time and energy trying to conform to what the other person wanted and trying to get them to conform to what we thought we wanted. In retrospect I do see that I did recognise inherent differences, but that I didn’t truly understand their significance, by the time I was beginning to assert myself a tiny bit, in my mind, I was in the bed I had made for myself. For me, because we had children leaving was not an option. I had however shut down emotionally. I had realised that the person I was with was not someone I could ever really relate to on a deep level. I think with the wisdom I’ve gleaned since I would have done things differently to make it a more functional relationship, but without this knowledge I simply curled up in to an emotional foetal ball.

I think the basis of my relationship was that in the beginning it represented a form of security for me. We had both come form broken homes, so the rhetoric from both of us was that we never wanted to repeat that. I think there were a lot of political promises made to each other, but not a lot of policy detail. I just don’t think we had a clue.

I can say this all without regret because I have 2 fantastic children, and having survived the tumultuous journey of the past couple of years, I can say hand on heart that I am happier now than at any other time of my life. I just feel I need to get more from the experience. I find it difficult to accept that such a huge percentage of mankind will continue repeating the same errors, and at no point in history will we be capable of stopping, taking stock and coming up with a better way.

Perhaps the secret is that self awareness needs to be part of our education curriculum. I think we would all benefit from understanding our personality type, and learning more about what makes us tick. Perhaps we now need to come up with a formula/questionnaire which can be calculated to determine what kind of person makes the best partner for us. What are the critical things we should all know about ourselves and others before we enter a committed relationship?

I do firmly believe that society would benefit from insisting that a partnership agreement/pre nup/ divorce agreement be a standard requirement of any marriage or cohabitation. It’s not based on the assumption that one will one day get divorced, any more than taking car insurance is based on the assumption that one will have a car accident. These agreements would protect so many vulnerable people. Society knows these people exist in droves, not because they are less intellectually capable , simply because they have chosen a more dominant partner. I think society owes these people a duty of care, they are after all generally the Carers of our world.

**************************************
Don’t forget to enter your email details in the subscibe area to the top right of the screen so that you can receive updates.
I’d also love to hear your opinion – please feel free to comment or move to the forum area to open a conversation.
Thank you x

Do you need to Detoxify your social group?

I have been blessed with some of the most wonderful friends and family one could hope for, yet I spent the majority of my adult life to date in an unhealthy and unhappy relationship. This relationship is now two years behind me and I feel so much happier and healthier for being out of it.

One interesting side effect of being out of that relationship has been that I’ve examined my relationships with other people. This didn’t happen straight away. I had an ‘Aha’ moment about a year after my relationship ended. I had become close friends with someone, and used to talk to them nearly every day, I thought that they were a good supportive friend. During the course of our friendship I was working very hard on myself, seeing a counsellor, building my self esteem back up, doing a couple of courses, not pushing myself to hard. It was the first time in my life that I had consciously ‘managed’ myself. One day they made a passing remark to me and it struck me. They weren’t supportive and concerned at all, they were actually controlling and monopolising. It was something innocuous , I said I wanted to do something and they said something like ‘oh be careful, you shouldn’t’ and I had a flash back to a number of conversations I’d had with them and realised that they were always telling me what I shouldn’t or couldn’t do, and very often it was in relation to my friendships with other people.

I realised that my tendency to cover up and make allowances for people (as described in my post ‘The difficult parent legacy’ ) to my own detriment did not just apply to romantic partners, it applied to a lot of my ‘friendships’ too. I realised I had a number of people in my life that were always discouraging, negative, and unsupportive; people that let me down regularly. It was a scary moment of realisation really, almost like having your life flash before your eyes. My brain frantically reviewing all my memory files trying to separate the real friends from the people that were no more than energy vampires in my life.

This recognition was disappointing initially, but I realised that it would free me too. If I recognised these people for what they were and received them in my life accordingly, I could stop being let down and hurt by them. I could stop building them up as something they were not in my mind they could no longer disappoint me. I could stop wearing myself out making excuses for them.

I don’t mean they were bad people, just that by failing to simply accept them as they are I was creating a toxicity that was poisoning my spirit, by recognising it I could detoxify. Some people I realised had no place in my life and due to their controlling nature would never be compatible as true friends for me. For the first time in my life I was brave and assertive enough to close the door on those relationships. It was one of the best things I’ve ever done for my self esteem. The world did not crumble because I asserted myself and stood up for myself. The friends I was left with had more room to be the great and true friends they are.

I’d recommend a detoxification of this nature to everyone, see people as they are, don’t project and protect, have honest friendships, it is clarifying and purifying and leads to a fresher brighter you :)

She is Gone by David Harkins

For all those thinking of people they’ve lost recently and not so recently. They are never forgotten.

You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she’d want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on

Assertive communication

Hi,

Here is a link to a fantastic article on assertive communication. I did a short course on this subject last year and I can’t recommend it highly enough. I believe if we were all taught effective communication skills as kids, that our relationships would be far more successful generally. Assertiveness is not aggressiveness, it’s quite the opposite. It’s all about making yourself understood in a non accusatory fashion. It is an incredibly empowering skill. Too often we communicate with each other in a kind of defensive/offensive dance – dodging blows and lashing out in return. Assertive communication allows for a reasoned and measured discussion.

http://www.aipc.net.au/articles/?p=232

Forum

Hello,

You may notice at the top of the screen there is now a Forum page. I’ve added a number of forum subjects and would welcome suggestions for more. Please join in or start any discussion you feel is appropriate to this site.
I look forward to some interesting discussions and to picking up some valuable insights and advice from anyone that would like to share some of their experience and gained wisdom.

Thank you so much for reading my posts.

Would planning for Divorce save more marriages?

This is a long way from being a fully developed idea and I would love to get your input to develop it further. It occurred to me yesterday that if it were compulsory to make a Divorce settlement part of the marriage contract that marriages might be taken more seriously. I don’t mean just a flippant pre-nup type of arrangement, I mean a fully comprehensive agreement taking in to account everything from financial to emotional impact on both the couple involved and their children. I mean something which outlines what a marriage contract actually is and the actual real cost/consequence of it being broken.

If we consider that 50% of first marriages break down, and I think it’s 75% of 2nd marriages, and those of us that have been through it know what an awful experience it is. We know that as a result a very large proportion of our population are left in dire straits emotionally and financially, and that a lot have to resort to government payments to survive. Isn’t that enough of an incentive for us to get together and come up with a better way of approaching things? Surely we can at least try to set things up so that our children don’t have to go through quite the ordeal that we did.

I know we all enter marriage/relationships with rose coloured glasses, all sure that it will last forever, but isn’t this the ideal time to agree what happens if it doesn’t work out? When you both are full of love and respect for each other aren’t you more likely to come up with a fair agreement than when your relationship has broken down, and potentially one of you has already moved on and is thinking of how to fund their new life with no regard for settling the ‘old’ life fairly.

I think it would be great if a Think Tank of people such as Lawyers, accountants, psychologists, and counsellors could get together to draft a comprehensive formulas driven agreement. I think a lot of it should be based on existing Divorce Data, taking in to account the actual socio economic impact of divorce.

Some of the the things that I think should be factored in to the Divorce settlement are:

1. What was brought in to the marriage

2. If one party gives up part or all of their income to contribute more to the day to day running of the marriage by agreement – e.g. if the couple have children.

The primary carer may stop work for a while and than only return part time. This not only reduces the income of this person, it also can have a serious impact on potential income.
Agree at this point how parenting is to be managed, is one person going to stay at home full or part time? (I say this because what often happens is that this is agreed, but when on person decides to ‘move on’ they immediately demand that the other person returns to work to reduce their financial liability. This can be devastating to someone that believes being at home for their kids is paramount.)
Time away from the workforce can result in skills becoming obsolete and the need for retraining. Having children can seriously limit the type of job you are able to take, you wont be able to work long hours, travel interstate, go on weekend conferences – in short all the things that modern corporations demand from people before they consider rewarding them.
There needs to be an allowance made for the loss of confidence suffered by an extended period away from the workforce. This may seem like pie in the sky, but if you look at what happens to people that have been in this situation you’ll see it’s real. People don’t choose to go in to minimum wage jobs when on paper they could potentially be earning a lot more for no reason.
3. If there are children, where are the children to live in the event of a Divorce? Are they to be allowed to continue living in their family home?

If the family home is to be sold – will both party’s be involved in trying to find a new home for the kids, the cost of relocating. The work involved in selling the existing home (there is an awful lot of work involved). If not, factor the cost.
Do both parents agree to continue living in close proximity to their children so that they are both easily accessible to their children and minimise the disruption to children’s lives of any shared custodial arrangements? If not – factor the cost!
If there is no acceptable family support available, and the primary carer is therefore restricted in their ability to work, study, have any kind of social life – factor the cost.
School holidays – kids get 12 to 13 weeks holidays per year (in Australia) – are both party’s going to fairly divide the care of the children during holidays – if not factor the cost.
Out of pocket expenses for kids, Health care, education, extra curricular activities, annual vacations – agree now and factor the cost.
The legal requirement for child support would of course be part of this. but if couples understand how little this is in relation to the actual cost of maintaining the childs lifestyle there will still be a lot to add.

4. The reason and nature of the break up can have a huge emotional impact on one or both of the people involved, and indeed where children are involved it can have an even greater impact. Get those expert Think Tank heads together to factor the cost of this! It impacts on confidence, ability to work, function socially – there are counsellors, psychologists, GP’s and countless millions of supporting friends which can attest to this – it is real! It is swept under the carpet by society.

I really believe some sort of realistic agreement should be compulsory at the onset of marriage. Too many people enter in to marriage believing on the surface that all will be ok, but sub consciously one or both are thinking I can just get Divorced if it doesn’t work out, or blindly believing that they will ‘never be let down’. It is too easy for a lot of people to walk away. They complain bitterly that they have lost out on their financial settlement and that they have to pay child support, but the truth as all who’ve been there know is that usually the primary carer is left with a much much lower standard of living and an extremely limited life. If people knew that they would have to actually compensate fairly they might put more effort in to making the marriage work.

Perhaps something that could work would be annual contract review/ mediation sessions – this would give you a good idea of how your marriage is travelling? Our opinions change over the years re: child rearing, this should be discussed openly and agreed fairly.

Let me put a scenario to you which amuses me somewhat. Lets test if Divorce agreements are fair.

A man leaves his wife and children for his mistress. They want to build a new life together and get married. The Divorce settlement is being nutted out. The future wife is all over it, reading it with a fine tooth comb. She believes her future husband is being far too generous to his Ex, he’s way too soft – this in spite of the fact that he’s fought her tooth and nail about it via lawyers, but still she believes he’s being far too generous.

So the final agreement is printed – it’s presented to him to sign, he signs it than he passes it over to his future wife. She looks at hi somewhat puzzled. He says I decided to make this not only a Divorce agreement for my ex, it’s going to be our agreement should we get divorced in the future. At this point we don’t have kids so we just leave with what we brought in , if we do have kids the same formula and logic will be applied.

Does she still think it’s too generous???

It’s not about staying married to someone that makes you unhappy, it’s really more about understanding and knowing the person that you are marrying in the first place.

This is just a first draught at this idea, I’d love to refine it further. What are your thoughts?

Barry Norman moving trbute to his wife – Daily Mail 12.2.11

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1356228/An-eternal-love-Barry-Normans-moving-tribute-late-wife-soulmate-50-years.html

Career Help – If this guy can get a job there’s hope for us all!

If you suddenly find yourself in need of an income, a career or a career change it can be daunting. We can feel frightened and limited. Options do not immediately leap out at us. There are always options though, sometimes it just takes work and imagination to sift them out. If you make yourself a project, you can discover skills and talents that you didnt know or forgot that you have.
I’m attaching some useful links. The first one gives tips on changing careers and rediscovering your skills. The remainder are some Australian Government links giving information on training and training grants.
If you are not in Australia/Victoria, the first step on your career path is to google your local government agencies or get on the phone and start asking questions about what you are entitled to and what help is available. Every little helps, you may find that your train fares will be paid for you, there may be a small business grant available to you, there may be a short certificate course (often fully funded) that will get you in to a job fast. Its worth looking at what jobs there seem to be a lot of adds for in your local paper and maybe working backwards from there to see what training you can do to get one of those jobs.

The first step may be just about getting back on your feet, you are not making a lifelong commitment, you are getting back on the ladder. Once you are comfortable and balance you can then ask youself what next, more training? my own business?

You may want to consider whether you are more suited to public service or private enterprise. If you have children it is worth researching which companies are family friendly, do they offer flexi-time, rostered days off, 48/52 holiday arrangements which will make it easer to work around school holidays.
You may need to investigate vacation care programmes in your area, in Australia check with your local council. You may be entitled to substantial discounts in Kinder and creche fee’s.
Spend half a day googling, I’ve done a little below for you there are a couple of links at the bottom, do similar searches for your region. Go to your library and do it there so that you have peace and quiet and the feeling that you are taking action!

Get your resume out and polish it and update it. Ask friends for copies of theirs so you can get an idea of formatting and current requirements. Have them critique yours.
When applying for jobs modify your resume to mould to the job requirements. Always ensure to address the key selection criteria, otherwise your application will usually not be considered. I’ve found using a table format to do this quite affective.

Good Luck – believe in yourself, you can tear down that wall of limitations one brick at a time – the only thing holding you back is you!
xxx

http://www.careercc.com/after40.shtml

http://www.skills.vic.gov.au/

http://www.centrelink.gov.au/internet/internet.nsf/individuals/st_index.htm

http://australiangovernmentgrants.org/qa/qa.php?id=assistance-with-retraining

http://www.careermums.com.au/

http://www.motherinc.com.au/magazine/everything-for-mum/household/helpchoosing/21-family-friendly-workplaces

Money & Budgeting

Hi, the budget planning link on the site wasnt working so I’ve fixed it. If you don’t have a budget and you wonder where your money goes or how you can make some savings – this tool will help you calculate where all the $’s go.. The Excel version is easy to use. I really believe it’s one of the most important steps …in taking control of your life.

There are lots of useful advice, tips and links on this site to help you get back on your financial feet.

http://www.moneyhelp.org.au/Tools–Tips/Budget-Planner-Tool.html

The MR. RIGHT Rejection Letter

I found this very useful letter template on the following site http://www.romancestuck.com/jokes/women-jokes.htm

I’m sure it will come in handy for all of us at some point!

The MR. RIGHT Rejection Letter
Dear [____rejectee's name here_____],

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

[Check all those that apply]
___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.
___ Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald’s reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
___ Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms by the truckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.
___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can’t GET into my pants.
___ Your “Putting on a few, aren’t you babe?” comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate.
___ You failed the credit check.
___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.
___ You still live with your parents.
___ You mention your ex-girlfriend’s name more than you mention mine.
___ Three words: Size does matter.

Sincerely,
[Your name here]

Nora Ephron article in the Daily Mail UK

This is an interesting article from Nora Ephron in today’s daily mail:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1354378/Divorce-IS-devastating-follow-advice-Get-Over-It-sayys-Nora-Ephron.html

Dating – Part 2 – Ego Boosting


Dating Part 2 – what exactly am I doing?

As previously discussed, a lot of the modern day dating and mating rituals centre around the online dating scene. This is a fantastic way of getting to meet people, but it’s also relatively new so a lot of the pitfalls are not commonly known yet.

One of the main pitfalls (and to a degree this applies to all forms of dating) is knowing just how ready you are to be there. There are certain rituals which seem to occur among the recently single in the 30+ and 40+ age brackets. It’s nothing like dating at a younger age. There is more an element of caution. A lot of people are there because they have been burnt romantically. The walking wounded of the dating world are as great a danger to themselves as they are to others.

As soon as the phase of pining for the lost relationship comes to a conclusion, a void is left. All those angst filled hours have to be filled somehow, then ‘click!’ the light bulb moment ‘I must now be ready to date’. On to the computer you jump to sign up for the dating phase. All seems to go well, you get chatting to someone – they seem fantastic! You chat for a while longer, all goes well, a little longer and for sure they are your soul mate, they really get you! It goes on for a while until you eventually agree to meet for coffee, it’s exciting, how lucky are you to have found someone so perfect straight away!

You show up at the coffee shop, there he is and………emm…… there you are; fast forward a few minutes… there you still are but now you’re bored and uncomfortable. What am I doing here? How soon can I leave? What just happened? They may not even look anything like the pictures they’ve sent you, but it’s more than that. This isn’t always the case of course, some meetings will go fantastically well. It seems though that sometimes we have constructed a person based on who and what we think we need, someone that makes us feel good about ourselves.

We have sustained an almighty body blow to our ego’s, almost fatal in fact. We have been hurt and humiliated and we don’t feel good about ourselves any more. We no longer feel truly attractive. It takes a lot of hard work to get to a point where we can rebuild our self esteem and love ourselves, often for the first time in our lives. It seems so much easier to simply let someone else provide the love and admiration. Receiving the admiration of another person makes us feel validated, worthy and wanted. We desperately need to be liked. When this tool for our ego turns out to be an actual person with independent thoughts and feelings, whoa we cry! Hang on! this game has moved to a level I’m not prepared for. I’m no longer in control. Being liked by someone is of course not enough, there is the small matter of whether we like the real them. There is the very large matter of whether we have the courage to like anyone yet. Liking someone in reality is risky. Liking someone gives them power, the power to hurt you again.

Another phenomenon I’m becoming increasingly aware of is the full investment in to relationships and friendships which are clearly doomed from the beginning. This is strangely prevalent. I think this is simply a controlled emotional explosion. We approach it knowing that the clock is ticking and that it will surely blow up in our face, yet it is strangely comforting to have that degree of control and certainty. It can’t be entirely due to our unworthiness can it? because it was doomed before it began anyway..

I’ve taken time out to be on my own and work on this, before entering back in to the dating scene again, it is still a work in progress. I still find I need to be liked more than I need to be happy. I’ll politely accept dates I don’t particulary want to go on because rather than turn the other person down and potentially hurt their feelings, I’ll subvert my own feelings. I’m a lot better than I was though. I’ve met some great people, and have enjoyed some nice ‘level’ experiences. Im still very cautious though.

What the ultimate answer is I’m not sure. It helps me so much to have a circle of friends that I can compare notes with and bounce the experiences off, collectively we have the AH HA! moments, the ‘OMG I do that too’ conversations, and together we can make some kind of sense of our own actions. Our ego’s are fragile things from birth, but ours are carrying some scar tissue now and we are simultaneously as fragile as fine china and as tough as the toughest nut to crack. We will most likely be hard work for anyone in future relationships because we are cautious and wary. That is the litmus test for the right kind of partner though, the people that think we are worth the effort are really the only ones we should be interested in.

Figuring out what we want from other people once we no longer need just someone to prop up our ego’s is the the key to opening the door to future relationships.

People don’t deserve to be treated and used as props, and we deserve a more fulfilling relationship than that. Life is a complex thing. The punishment for one persons betrayal is often served onto the unsuspecting people that come after them, this is something we really need to be sensitive too.

We need to ensure that we have let go of any residual pain and anger before bringing anyone else in to our lives.

When the emotional slate is finally perfectly clean and pristine, then you may just be ready to enter the every evolving yet never changing world of dating.

xxx

Soul-dier Mums

As a single parent one often feels as though one is walking the high wire, taking tentative steps forward with a child strung from each end of the balancing pole. One stumbles backward, kids flying round, task list gripped between our teeth, before slowly regaining our balance and getting the momentum to move forward again. It can be so disheartening; devastating at times. Little things tip the balance.

We work so hard to hold our family together, get homework done, nutritional meals on the table, bills paid, jobs held down, kids taxi service operating, extra curricular classes booked, paid and attended, hair combed for lice in response to that all kids alert from school, basin propped and hair held back for those 2am stomach bugs, endless forms signed and returned to schools. We run ourselves ragged creating the impression that all is as it should be and running like clock work while under the water we paddle frantically. We cope. All this can be shattered when our kids come home from a visit to their other parents full of joy about the fact that they were bought a slushy at the local 7/11!! Ahhhhhhhhhh how invisible and taken for granted we feel in that moment.

We long for that tag team swap, where we can say ‘can you just do this please, while I do that’ but it doesn’t come, things just queue up.

We often describe it as a thankless job. It’s not though. It’s simply that the rewards are packaged somewhat differently and they require conscious thought to be fully appreciated.

One has to ask, ‘what matters in life?’ Is it lip service? Is it tokenism? the passing over of those thoughtless cliched gifts we exchange instead of actually spending time thinking of the people we love, and what we can do to make their lives better.

I walked in to my daughters bedroom the other night, and found that both my daughters had migrated to one bed as they often chose to do. They were asleep, arms around each other. A perfect circle of support, security and love, generated in free flowing equality between the two of them as they slept. That was a reward. To think that after all the bedlam of the day, the running around, the picking up, packing up and clearing up, that that peace and love existed within them, and was there for them to share and draw upon at all times.

Today our house was open for inspection (it’s been on the market for a while), the weather has been somewhat bleak here with the remnants of Cyclones Anthony and Yasi washing across Victoria over night. While the house was open we took our dog to the beach, the kids told me stories about their first day back at school while the dog ran around us insanely excited to be alive and out with the family he loves. They all ran around on the sand for a while, raincoats and sand shoes the order of the day, laughing and gasping for air. It was a moment, one of the many not to be missed when raising a family. One of many that is missed by the people that chose to walk away.

We feel so bereft when we find ourselves single parents without warning, we feel that we have lost something. The truth is we haven’t, we’ve simply witnessed someone losing something. Watched someone giving up and walking away from the things that matter in life. It’s hard not to worry about the kids loss, the fact that their parental structure has been broken and diminished. The fact is though that kids adapt. They recognise limitations fast. If they are still given love, they will receive it without prejudice. They recognise it is what it is. If someone is prepared to walk away from the majority of their children’s childhood, without first of all making every attempt to make staying with them work, it’s clear that they were never truly there in the first place. They were resident, but not present. As much as it may hurt to acknowledge that, it is the truth.

We waste so many years trying to understand how they could do it. Imagine what society would look like if everyone had that mind set, ‘this is too hard, I’m off to find an easier life’. How would that work? Where would the kids end up? What would it expose us all as? What kind of lives would we all end up having? Life would be reduced to something so materialistic, shallow and base.

We may start out thinking that we have been left with a tough job, and indeed we sure have! However, we’ve been left with so much more. We have all the rewards that matter. We’ve been tasked as custodians, we’ve been given the opportunity to serve and love the most precious people in our lives. We’ve been given an opportunity to grow and to show what we are capable of. Now we can really do something to be proud of. As we wake up to our abilities and begin to realise how much more we have within us, then we can really start to spread our wings. There is nobody to hold us back, nobody to shoot us down, we are only limited by our own beliefs.

This may seem like pie in the sky, but it’s absolutely true. We don’t have to answer to anyone but ourselves now, we can shape the lives we want. Our family is a foundation not an anchor, we can really build something on it and for it. We can be whatever we want to be.

Blow away that doubt!

The Day our marriage broke we thought we had too, but we didn’t, we bent with that wind and we came back to grow taller and stronger. Now somewhere within us there is that passion, that pathway that will lead us towards the future. Our imagination holds the key to limitless treasure. I don’t mean materially, I mean in terms of life satisfaction and happiness.

Get searching, enjoy the hunt, find it and unlock it. Enjoy your life!

xxx

Review your expectations

Clark Gable and Carol Lombard

MARRIAGE JOINS TWO PEOPLE IN THE CIRCLE OF ITS LOVE
~ By Edmund O’Neill ~

Marriage is a commitment to life, the best that two people can find and bring out in each other. It offers opportunities for sharing and growth that no other relationship can equal. It is a physical and an emotional joining that is promised for a lifetime.

Within the circle of its love, marriage encompasses all of life’s most important relationships. A wife and a husband are each other’s best friend, confidant, lover, teacher, listener, and critic. And there may come times when one partner is heartbroken or ailing, and the love of the other may resemble the tender caring of a parent for a child.

Marriage deepens and enriches every facet of life. Happiness is fuller, memories are fresher, commitment is stronger, even anger is felt more strongly, and passes away more quickly.

Marriage understands and forgives the mistakes life is unable to avoid. It encourages and nurtures new life, new experiences, and new ways of expressing a love that is deeper than life.

When two people pledge their love and care for each other in marriage, they create a spirit unique unto themselves which binds them closer than any spoken or written words. Marriage is a promise, a potential made in the hearts of two people who love each other and takes a lifetime to fulfil.

……………………….

The above was posted on the 2-in-2-1 forum site recently (see links). It’s certainly food for thought isn’t it. What were the expectations of marriage that we used to have, and now, having lived through the experiences that we’ve had what do we expect marriage to be?

Are our expectations lower? are we Jaded and cynical?

Having thought about this a little, I think my expectations are higher now. That may seem odd, but actually it makes perfect sense. It was low or no expectations which led me in to less than satisfactory relationships in the past. I don’t just mean my expectations of my partner, but my expectations of myself. I operated without boundaries or guidelines.

Without a parental model of a successful relationship, and without a clear understanding of myself or my own needs, I morphed and adapted to the person I was with, I became compliant. This works for a little while, but of course can’t be sustained.

So what now? what are the expecations that we should have?

I expect to be accepted for who I am, even if I am a work in progress. I hope that I’ve learned to represent my true self and not hide behind a protective shield, or deflective joke.

I want someone that understands my childrens importance to me, someone that will accept and love them, and be a stable presence in their life.

I want mutual respect.

I want honesty.

I want trust.

I want to have a friend, whose company I truly enjoy, someone that enjoys mine too.

I want fun.

I want affection.

I want support.

I want constructive criticism.

I want depth.

I want challenge.

What do you want?

I’d really appreciate your comments and input on this one.

xxx

Grief know’s no prejudice

Grief know’s no prejudice

There is nothing more unbearably painful than losing a loved one. Grief will touch the lives of each and everyone of us. There is no way of rationalising the pain away, it is something which one simply learns to live with overtime.
Life should never be undervalued, we must try when faced with loss to not become completely submerged in grief. We must not stop appreciating the gift that is life. The loved ones we have lost would not appreciate seeing us throwing away life, which they sadly had in too short supply.

Grief touches everyone at some point, wealth and privilege don’t protect you from it.

I’m attaching this clip of the Eulogy delivered by Teddy Kennedy at his brother Roberts funeral. It is such a moving speech. Teddy Kennedy faced so much tragedy in his life, and struggled with his own inner demons. Yet, he chose to go on, he kept moving forward and in 2009 the health reforms that had been his life’s work for so many years were finally passed. So many people will benefit as a result, it was a truly remarkable achievement, by Barack Obama and his Government, but primarily by Teddy Kennedy. A man who could have been destroyed by grief, a man that was written off and dismissed as finished in politics so many years earlier following the Chappaquiddick tragedy. A man that battled with alcoholism, and watched his son battle cancer.
This man was the driving force behind probably the most important bill passed by the US Government in decades.
What greater tribute could he possibly have made to his lost loved ones, than to carry on and live a worthwhile life.
That is the only truly meaningful thing we can do, to celebrate and honour the loved ones we have lost.

The difficult parent legacy

If you had a difficult parent as a child, you may have learned a lot of reactive behaviours that are still firmly entrenched in your subconscious mind.
As the child of an extremely erratic parent, growing up in a very conservative culture, I was desperate to make all appear normal to the outside world. Divorce was illegal, but my parents were separated. This alone was a stigma. I didn’t tell my friends that my parents were separated for years, in my mind I ‘covered’ for them. I was ashamed of the situation personally due to the social conventions, but in the main it was because I feared them being judged for it.

Over the years my mothers behaviour deteriorated. She was always difficult and unpredictable, but her behaviour escalated. Everyone was the enemy, everyone else was somehow out of step with her, or out to get her. The house became an out of control mess, if I or anyone else tried to do something about it she would rage that it wasn’t being done properly and that she wanted to do it herself, of course she never did. I could never invite friends home.
As a child I would live in fear of her next unexpected twist in behaviour, she could go from incredible generosity to rage, destruction and accusation with no apparent trigger. It was an extremely stressful environment to say the least. To the outside world though I did my best to present a normal face. I made excuses about not being able to invite friends home. When I was late for school because my mother had kept me up until 3am the night before, I simply allowed people to think that I was just lazy and laid back and didn’t really care. At one point in my childhood I lived in a house where all the doors were locked, except for the kitchen, bathroom and my bedroom. My mother decided that I shouldn’t be allowed access to other rooms when she wasn’t there. There were numerous struggles with her throughout my childhood and indeed continuing in to my adulthood, which I don’t need to list in detail at this time. The point is,that whenever my mother did something, instead of defending myself from it, or getting help, my habit became to defend her, to cover up for her, to pretend she was just like the other mums. My feelings of hurt were completely swallowed.
In examining my adult relationships, I realise that this habit has continued and has had two major effects:
1. It’s caused me to be attracted to people that have similar behaviour to my mother in terms of selfishness and lack of empathy to others, simply because it was familiar and in a perverted way therefore safe. I stress it doesn’t mean that their personalities were similar, (if only it were that easy to spot) it’s the underlying behaviour.
2. It’s been the tool I’ve used to enable those people to become entrenched in my life and to almost encourage/train them to behave that way towards me.

When people I’ve cared for have let me down, or been selfish towards me , while I may initially react with anger (which is often the reaction of someone that stifles there emotions ie hurt morphs to anger), my tendency has been to cover for them, or take responsibility for their actions or for making up for their lack of action.

I had no ability to simply tell people when they hurt me. I would let things pass, allowing them to believe that I was ok about things that actually at times hurt me quite deeply. I would never let anyone from the outside world see if they had let me down. I had a completely distorted interpretation of loyalty. I would defend their public reputation for them. I carried on the behaviours I learnt in my childhood.
I became so out of touch with my own true emotions about things that I often didn’t even recognise that I was hurt, things would accumulate and I would become angry and frustrated, but it was just a build up of pain.

Even when I separated from my partner, just as I had covered for my parents separation, I spent months covering up for him. Not telling my family, or a lot of my friends. I was afraid of their judgments of him, I guess in part afraid that if we ever reconciled in some way that their judgments would remain, the Genie would be out of the bottle so to speak. I felt humiliated by his behaviour, I felt responsible for it. My confused sense of loyalty in overdrive protecting his reputation, often at the expense of my own. My years of covering for him also contributed to the immense disappointment experienced by our friends. They were shocked to discover that the person they thought they knew him to be, was largely my construct.

The twisted sense of responsibility I picked up as a child, feeling responsible for my mothers public image, and indeed our families public image as a whole, the lack of boundaries carried with me into my adult relationships.

Recognising it has been quite liberating. I’ve really come to understand how difficult I find it to tell people how I truly feel about their actions. I understand that I fear their rejection or condemnation when I tell them the truth. I understand how I seem to favour allowing them to hurt me over confronting them about what they are doing and potentially upsetting them. It’s a trait born of insecurity and uncertainty. It’s a terrifying fear to face. I know now however that facing it is the only possible way I can ever have a fulfilling and happy relationship.

Now I know just how damaging it is to be with someone that dismisses my feelings and tells me that I’m ok when I’m really not. I know how damaging it is to pretend that I’m ok about something when in fact it’s hurting me.
This may seem so obvious to an emotionally healthy person, but when your subconscious has been taught otherwise, it takes a lot of practice and hard work to ‘unlearn’ bad habits. I now understand that expressing my feelings does not make me vulnerable it makes me stronger. Putting it in to action is still incredibly difficult, but I’m trying to every day.

xxx
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This is a poem based on old legend that was used by parents to get their kids to cooperate, the fear of being taken off to the fairy world at night was thought a good tool to keep kids in line, as a child I always thought the fairy world far more appealing than the real one.

The Stolen Child by William Butler Yeats

WHERE dips the rocky highland
Of Sleuth Wood in the lake,
There lies a leafy island
Where flapping herons wake
The drowsy water rats;
There we’ve hid our faery vats,
Full of berrys
And of reddest stolen cherries.
Come away, O human child!
To the waters and the wild
With a faery, hand in hand,
For the world’s more full of weeping than you can understand.

Where the wave of moonlight glosses
The dim gray sands with light,
Far off by furthest Rosses
We foot it all the night,
Weaving olden dances
Mingling hands and mingling glances
Till the moon has taken flight;
To and fro we leap
And chase the frothy bubbles,
While the world is full of troubles
And anxious in its sleep.
Come away, O human child!
To the waters and the wild
With a faery, hand in hand,
For the world’s more full of weeping than you can understand.

Where the wandering water gushes
From the hills above Glen-Car,
In pools among the rushes
That scarce could bathe a star,
We seek for slumbering trout
And whispering in their ears
Give them unquiet dreams;
Leaning softly out
From ferns that drop their tears
Over the young streams.
Come away, O human child!
To the waters and the wild
With a faery, hand in hand,
For the world’s more full of weeping than you can understand.

Away with us he’s going,
The solemn-eyed:
He’ll hear no more the lowing
Of the calves on the warm hillside
Or the kettle on the hob
Sing peace into his breast,
Or see the brown mice bob
Round and round the oatmeal chest.
For he comes, the human child,
To the waters and the wild
With a faery, hand in hand,
For the world’s more full of weeping than he can understand

Setbacks..

The recovery process is very much like riding out to sea on a surf board. You work hard, paddling away at trying to make progress, you maintain your balance, start to build up some confidence and think ‘hey I’m just about there’, when BAM! from nowhere a freak wave comes and tips you right off that board without warning. It’s almost soul destroying, you think ‘all that hard work and here I am back over my head in a sea of emotion again’.

For me, my life line was the fact that I had made contact with other people going through the same process, so when it happened to me I had others slightly ahead of me in the journey, that knew it was coming and were able to help pull me out of it. Similarly I’ve been there when those behind me have lost their balance.

It’s so terrifying when it happens, as though you are right back at square one, but really you’re not. You need reassurance that it’s temporary, and it’s important that you get your networks together so that those that truly understand and are qualified to reassure you are on standby for you.

The fact is that divorce is an exhausting experience. Life becomes relentless for so long, legal issues, financial issues, custodial issues and this all on top of what was most likely already a very busy life. There are times when you just wish that you didn’t have to be the only person responsible for everything for just a few minutes. The vacuum breaking down, the leaking tap, the school notices, the lawn that wont stop growing, the fund raisers, the work function, the kids birthday party, the vet bills … whatever your particular set of responsibilities are, they just keep coming at you. Give yourself a break and acknowledge that you are doing your best at a very very tough job.

It’s important to put in place some strategies. I’ve found that the most exhausting thing can be that negative voice that becomes a regular feature inside our own minds The prophet of doom that whispers about all the things that could go wrong. My strategy for counter acting this has been to try to train myself to recognise when the prophet of doom is starting to whisper and to replace his dire prophecies with some more positive thoughts. Positive affirmations can really help get you started with this. If you check out the Susan Jeffers link you will find a pdf that you can download with pages and pages of positive affirmations. I really recommend this. Susan Jeffers is a very inspirational author, most famous for her book ‘Feel the Fear and do it anyway’. Louise Hay has a similar site where you can pick up daily affirmations, Louise Hay was made famous by her book ‘You can Heal your life’.

If you go on to youtube you can look up Louise Hay or Abraham Hicks. The philosophy is very much about positive thinking. Listening to some of their lectures can be nourishing to a depleted spirit. You need some positive input to recharge yourself. Negative thoughts are like leaks springing in your well being, positive thoughts plug those leaks and replenish you.

I found wonderful support networks on the 2-in-2-1 and the Daily Strength websites. I’ve provided the links on the right hand side of this page. I cannot stress enough the importance of developing a support network of people that have gone through the same experience. People can be so kind and so loving, often when we are at the lowest point in our lives it can bring out the finest points in our character, and the friends you meet at these places will often become your nearest and dearest as a result.

So if you suddenly find that you are having a major set back after a long period of doing well, please don’t worry, it’s just a glich. You will recover and you aren’t back at square one, you are well on your way to your new life.

xxx

p.s. I welcome your comments and feedback to each article. Please subscrbe to be kept up to date with the latest posting.

Dating – Part 1 of many

Dating at any age is tricky. When you are young and inexperienced you naively wander into relationships with your head adorned in clouds. Than those unexpected storms appear. It’s all tumultuous and dramatic.

If and when you eventually settle on a long term relationship there are three ways it can go.

1. It can be tremendously satisfying for both parties, it requires work of course but both commit to do the work and all is well.
2. It can be less than satisfying but both parties have decided that they have made their beds etc.. so on it will go
3. One or both parties decides to jump ship.. sometimes one jumps ship without notifying the other party, who only discovers that their partner has abandoned the vessel when they look off into the far horizon to see them floating off in the only lifeboat, often with the assistance of a new and super willing Best Mate…ho hum

So if you have just swept ashore from option 3, you may be experiencing life on your own for the first in a very long time.

There will be an extended period of what can safely be described as pain and angst – which is covered in other posts. However there will come a point when people will begin to look at you slightly differently. You will no longer be the person recovering from a previous relationship, you will be the person that ‘should’ be getting on with your life and meeting someone else.

This is a tricky tricky phase!

Firstly, no matter how good and close your friends are, only you can truly decide when you are ready to meet someone new and move on.

My number one piece of advice is that if you are feeling lonely, under financial pressure, under social pressure – you are not ready to start a relationship. I know it’s a cliche but you really do have to find a way of being happy in your own company before you can be happy with someone else. It takes work and effort, it often takes facing things about yourself that you don’t necessarily want to face too. Painful things. If you find it very hard to be on your own, why is that? What is it that you find so unsatisfactory about yourself? That can be a very tough question to answer.

It can take a while to build up your self esteem, and in fact the strength of character required to fight off all the pressures to get back in to a relationship.

In the past couple of years, it has been reinforced to me that women are still an awfully long way from being truly equal. When you are are in a relationship, you have a greater chance of being financially secure, of having an adequate support network to assist with raising your children and it is easier for you to work outside the home. In the majority of cases, a marriage breaks up and the woman becomes custodial parent. Child support never comes anywhere close to maintaining the standard of living formally enjoyed, however the woman is under pressure to maintain the lifestyle that her children consider normal. She has less freedom and is usually more resticted in the commitment to paid work she can make. This can be awfully dangerous when it comes to dating, a new relationship may seem like the only solution to her financial woes. This is quite simply awful. I really believe that the majority of women are better off learning to survive with less and resetting their children’s expectations, than in going down this path. However, people do what they feel they need to do.

So, ways of getting to know yourself and getting to love yourself are and will be covered in other posts. Lets assume that you have done the work and are feeling pretty good about yourself. What do you do now?

There are the old fashioned ways of meeting people i.e. by going out, through friends, by doing classes, joining clubs, taking up golf – there are a number of different ways. if you are time poor and have children it isn’t always easy to do this. The online dating world is increasingly popular. I personally think this is a great way of meeting people, however I don’t recommend the free sites. The no charge sites seem to be the domain of married men, opportunists, strange young boys in search of MILF experiences, people with peculiar fetishes and general all round weirdos! Not to say that that is the only type off guy that uses the free sites, but there are an awful lot of them that do! I’ve enjoyed many exchanges with recently single friends as to who can come up with the strangest guys profile, so for that reason alone they may be worth it to pass some time. They are also useful for brushing up on your flirting/chatting skills. In general though, I don’t think they are the greatest places to meet people.

The thing about online dating is that it’s usually more about your mindset than actually dating. The day you sign up for that site usually indicates that something in your mind has clicked on to the next phase and you’ve decided that to some degree you are ready to face the daunting world of dating and moving on!

I suggest have some fun on the free sites at first. Think about whether you want to display a profile picture. Displaying a profile picture attracts a lot off attention, however you may run in to someone you know – would that bother you? Remember you’re single now so you’re allowed be there! Writing your profile is tricky, but be honest. It’s been a long and rocky road finding your way back to yourself , you know what a great person you are now – so you know there is no need to embellish because you are fantastic!

Signing up for a paid site feels like a big shift. This means you are really serious about wanting to date – doesn’t it? In my opinion if a man has parted with some $’s to sign up , it means he is more likely to actually want to date too. It reduces the number of idiots anyway. There are a number of paid sites, RSVP.com, Eharmony.com etc. Get to know a couple of people, chat and email for a while. Get a feel for what they are like. If you enjoy the exchanges, suggest a coffee, if that goes well you can maybe have lunch or dinner. If it doesn’t go well, you’ve had an experience you’ve gone outside your comfort zone, so well done you anyway!! You’ve grown as a person. There are all kinds of people in the world, not enjoying a coffee with one of them is not a sign of failure.

There is no rush. Relationships and rushing are not a good combination. If its meant to be, it will evolve naturally at its own pace. I don’t mean wait by the phone indefinitely for the coffee guy to call, I mean trust your own instincts and don’t behave in an anxious or panicky way as if you have to rush through the phases of dating and get back in to a relationship fast before you die from being exposed to the single world.

Date more than one person. Enjoy dating. I realised that I have never really dated before, I would go out with someone and end up in a relationship. I never just enjoyed the experience of dating.

Remember dating is fun. You may not recall this having been in an ultimately unsuccessful relationship, but going out for dinner with someone can be great. It is possible to have a two way conversation, and for the other person to look at you with admiration and interest – no really it is!! Do you remember what that was like?? It’s fun to make that effort to look your best, and put on those heels (well I’m 5’10 so heels can be a bit of a sticking point), and do your hair and make up and be picked up by someone that’s looking forward to seeing you and go out and enjoy each others company.

If you were with the same person for a very long time the idea of being intimate with someone else can be terrifying also. Consider having a fling! Think of it as an icebreaker.. You can be upfront about that fact that you are not ready for commitment or anything else other than a fling – it’s not only men that can do this!

Its time for you to start enjoying life, to enjoy your own company and subsequently the company of others. Don’t rush and don’t settle, enjoy the experiences. This is a wonderful opportunity. You could have been stuck indefinitely with someone that didn’t appreciate you or allow you to be all that you can be. Now you have the chance to be your best self, and to find someone that see’s you as that, and allows you to blossom in a happy supportive relationship xxx

How do you look?

People that have been unhappy for a while, generally tend to look .. well unhappy.
If you’ve been in an unhappy relationship, or gone through a protracted Divorce or period of unhappiness, your appearance may be the first thing that triggers that unhappiness every day. It’s like a vicious cycle, you wake up in the morning to be reminded by the mirror of how you ‘should’ be feeling that day in order to match that reflection.

As I’ve referred to in previous posts, our outward appearance impacts on our perception of ourselves. If you or someone else in your life has been putting you last for a while, this is the first and easiest place to address that. You are no longer a part of the furniture.

Firstly, don’t feel guilty. You don’t have to break the bank to make yourself look better. There are plenty of designer brands out there that would have you believe otherwise, but the fact is that most discount clothing outlets will have a few things that will look good on you.

Ebay too is a great source of bargains, as long as you are clear about your size you can find some treasures there. If you have a few favourite labels search for them on Ebay, you’ll be surprised at what you can pick up.

Try new styles. Don’t go in to the shop and head for the same old black pants and white shirt or whatever has been your uniform for the past few years. Try something different. Perhaps try on some dresses – they are easy options, only one piece required and very in fashion right now. They can also be very flattering , put a pretty dress with a pair of heels and you’re already going to be feeling better.

Go to your wardrobe and gather up all those clothes you keep for ‘wearing around the house’ and bin them. Those frumpy clothes make you feel frumpy. Get rid of them! If you’re around the house, you can still look decent – get rid of the trackie pants, if you want something comfortable wear yoga pants, they look better and you will feel better. If someone drops around unexpectedly you wont feel like dissolving in to the earth.

Don’t dress to please other people, dress to please yourself. Other people do not have superior opinions, they simply on occasion have different opinions. Taste is taste, it’s personal – consider that we are all equal in that. If you like it, and you feel good in it, mission accomplished. That said, being up to date with a current trend can make you feel a little more like you are getting back in to life and part of the mix. Maybe flick through a few magazines in advance of your shopping expedition to get a feel for what’s in and what you like in the current trends.

You may now be a different size, so make sure to check this. Don’t buy oversized or ill fitting clothes, they never look good. Take it from me, oversize baggy clothes do not make you look thinner – quite the reverse! Too tight is also a big mistake, so make sure you get the size right.

If you have a friend whose style you admire, get them to go shopping with you, you can get an insight in to where they shop and how they approach it i.e. how they put their outfits together.

Hair and Make up.

If you’re time poor these can suffer too. A good hair cut and colour can lift your appearance immeasurably, note I said ‘good’ not expensive. I’ve found that a good local hairdresser that keeps up with the latest trends (and lots do) is usually better than the expensive high street salons that operate like sausage factories.
You could be radical here and completely change your look. There are even computer programmes where you can check out different styles and colours on a photo of yourself. The hairdresser may be good at recommending a colour that will suit your skin tone. Do think about maintenance and how much commitment you are prepared to make to that aspect of it.
My personal view is – embrace grey hair if you want to look old. I think only .000001% of the population are blessed with that wonderful white or silver hair that makes them look elegant/sophisticated. The rest of us simply look older than we need to.

Make up
Make up trends come and go – there are usually articles in the back of magazines telling you what the new colour trends are. If you look at You tube there are also demonstrations on how to apply the new seasons styles and colours.

There are a few ‘God send’ products around these days for those that don’t allow a lot of time for this in the morning.
1. Mineral Powder foundation/bronzer – a few seconds and hey presto improvement
2. Liquid eye liner – this has been around for a zillion years, but I’ve only recently become brave enough to use it and OMG love it – once dry it doesn’t smudge etc the way pencil does.
3. My current favourite – the new breeds of long lasting colour stay lipsticks. Gone are the days when you used to apply a lipstick only to have it completely disappear as soon as you drank a coffee or kissed someone hello. You can pick up one of these lipsticks in everyday colour from a supermarket for as little as $20 – and it will last for most of the day.
4. Mascara and eyelash curler – the eye lash curler makes a big difference. The Cheap Maybeline mascara is still highly recommended by most make up artists (it’s pink with a green lid).

Make up enhances what you’ve got, and makes you feel like you are looking your best. Don’t wait for the big occasion, make it part of your normal daily routine… I hate to use the catch phrase but it’s true ‘cos your worth it’! AND YOU ARE!!

Spend a few minutes applying a little makeup (you’re not leading a war party against John Wayne so you don’t need to go overboard), now looking back at you, instead of that sad person you see someone that is taking back control of their life and ready for anything! Get well acquainted with that person because they’re going to be around a lot from now on.

We may not all end up looking like the incredible Ava Gardner – but even she needed her make up…

xxx

Martin Luther King – Inspiring

I read this quote form Martin Luther King yesterday, and it’s so inspiring I want to share it with as many people as I possibly can.

Martin Luther King was such a rare and precious person, a true Giant among men. He never needed to resort to violence and his words remain powerful and profund:

Through violence you may murder a murderer, but you can’t murder murder. Through violence you may murder a liar, but you can’t establish truth. Through violence you may murder a hater, but you can’t murder hate. Darkness cannot put out darkness. Only light can do that…. Difficult and painful as it is, we must walk on in the days ahead with an audacious faith in the future. When our days become dreary with low-hovering clouds of despair, and when our nights become darker than a thousand midnights, let us remember that there is a creative force in this universe, working to pull down the gigantic mountains of evil, a power that is able to make a way out of no way and transform dark yesterdays into bright tomorrows. Let us realize the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice. Martin Luther King

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How will we ever manage a holiday…..

When the dust is settling over your Divorce or Legal Separation proceedings you may finally (At long last!) be in a position to think ‘what now?’

It’s been so all consuming, organising your Settlement, agonising about whether you’ve done the right thing for you and if applicable your kids. It’s been an emotional drain. All those years of togetherness , love and family suddenly nothing more than a mere business transaction. It’s so incongruous; the mind can hardly fathom how your family and all it’s associated intangibles have apparently been reduced to a monetary value. It seems your life was became a market place and you had to bid for what mattered .

So now it’s done… now you can think about life beyond Settlement.

What is important in your life? Do you aspire to some kind of quality of life? Often for the newly single and in particular for single parents, quality of life is a distant notion; for now survival is the new all consuming task. However, eventually, if you learn to think outside the square and get a little creative, you can get more quality in your life than you may realise. There are sometimes ways to get around lack of budget!

As I am a migrant to my Country of residence, one of the things which worried me was ‘will I ever be able to afford to take my kids to see my family overseas again’. This was a huge source of anxiety to me. As a single parent I’ve made the decision to reduce my income in order to be more available to my children while they need me most. This of course comes at a price, it means sacrificing materialistic things in favour of having quality time for my kids and them knowing that I’m never far away from them.
For people that have not been in this situation, it may not occur how important that is to kids. Think about it, they’ve gone from having a two parent family , comfortable financially to suddenly the upheaval of having one parent leave the family home and consequently their way of life and standard of living drop dramatically. What is so disturbing for kids is that all these things that have a direct and dramatic impact on their life are totally beyond their control. Of course they are not feeling all that secure now! In my opinion the last thing they need is for the remaining parent to be equally unavailable to them due to heavy work commitments.

This is not the way for everyone, and I of course pass no judgment on those that chose a different way, however I hope I can help someone else by explaining my choices and the thought process that led to them.

Alright, so I have opted to work for a low paid job 5 minutes from my home and my kids schools. We can get by. The kids get to tennis and dancing and various other things after school courtesy of my fantabulous employer – they don’t have a lot of money to pay me, but flexibility is what I need right now , so I’ll take that as universal gold.

Will we as a family ever be able to afford a holiday again?? We can get by day to day, but holidays are a bit of a luxury right? Maybe they are not that far out of reach.

There is an option worth considering. House swapping. Suspend your immediate reaction and allow some time to think it through properly. I know you may not be relishing the idea of others using your home and the potential invasion of privacy. However, think about it. There is not that much in your home which can actually be considered private, and what is – well you can pack in a box and lock away!

If you do house swapping holidays it has so many potential benefits:
The savings are huge!!
You arrive to a fully equipped home
You quite often have access to a car – huge saving and benefit!
If you have children, you can have access to a garden, washing machine, other kids toys! All the things that make the holiday enjoyable for your kids and as every parent knows, if the kids are occupied and happy – then and only then can the parents relax and enjoy themselves.
The other householder will provide you with tips on the house and the area they live in , local knowledge is always invaluable.
You get to experience life as a ‘local’ does
Anecdotal evidence shows that people have made friendships that have lasted far beyond the holidays.
Check out this site for details, there are similar sites all over the world.

http://www.homelink.com.au/

Another thing you can do is go away with groups of friends and share a house. This is not only cost affective, but you will have company 24/7 which when with good friends is so nourishing. If you have kids, they can have other kids to play with, which gives you head space!

If you need a mini ‘fake’ break – how about you invite a few friends around for an overnighter. A few air beds and sleeping bags and Bobs your uncle – you have the makings of a fun evening and breakfast/lunch. If the weather is warm have a barbecue and a couple of drinks, if it’s cold maybe make a curry in a slow cooker – but set it up so you can chill out with your friends and have grown up conversation and yes , that old thing you used to have… a life!

This year I’ve found a compromise position to see my family, I’m meeting them half way and sharing accommodation costs. While this has really stretched the budget, for my own personal circumstance I felt it was really worth the money.

We only get one chance at creating our own life experience and our kids childhood memories. So I’m being as creative as I possibly can be to ensure we can look back at this time with nostalgia and happiness.

xxx

How did I find myself in such a controlling relationship..

So many people emerge from co dependant relationships, somewhat shell shocked and wondering how they ever got to the stage that  they were at. 

How is it that so many bright, articulate people so full of potential, spend years in unhappy unhealthy relationships.  The answer is quite simple really.

A friend reminded me of the story of the frog in boiling water.  If the frog jumps in to boiling water, it jumps straight back out, however, if the frog jumps in to cold water, and the water is then slowly heated – the frog swims oblivous to the rising temperature until too late it realises that the heat is unbearable…

That is how most unhealthy relationships are.  If one person is controlling, they don’t tend to show their full hand straight away, rather they slowly increase the heat over time.  They create dependancy of some sort in the process.  It’s a slow insidious turning up of the heat.

Don’t  be too hard on yourself; however learn from it.  Be ever vigilant.  I think the great rule of thumb is does the persons words match their actions, often the controller is singing you a sweet tune while their actions are playing off key  in the background.

This is a brief post today as I have ‘domestic duties’ that cannot be ignored any longer.

Life get’s better as soon as you allow it too xxx

Find your focus

Being thrown in to new circumstances without warning can certainly scatter our thoughts and intentions and leave us with an ever accumulating ‘too hard’ basket. Letting things get out of control adds to our stress levels.
We need to accept and forgive ourselves for not being super human and able to take on everything, and we need to be realistic about what we can achieve.

Become a list writer. Lists give you a focal point and a means of prioritisation. Lists give you a tangible sense of achievement. There’s not much more satisfying then finally crossing off that horror task that you’ve been putting off for ages! Lists also give you a sense of discipline and control over your own destiny.

You may never have been a list writer before, and when your life settles back in to something that feels like normality again you may never want to see another list, but for now – makes lists your daily must do.

Have 2 lists, the list of things I can do and the list of things I need help with. Do not be ashamed of the latter. If it makes you feel better have a list of favours to be paid back when your own life is stable again. It’s part of societies bartering and banking system, we all need each other at some point.

Still I rise – Maya Angelou

Still I rise – Maya Angelou

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history’s shame
I rise
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I rise
I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Maya Angelou

What Love can be

What Love can be

No matter what terrible upheaval we may be going through, love continues to exist in the world around us, and if allowed will exist inside us again.

Anger Addiction

 

Anger is a powerful emotion.  It’s not always negative.  When we are on the brink of despair anger is the force that lifts us out of despondency and drives us to meet our purpose.  When we are fearful it can give us courage and release the adrenaline required for fight or flight.  It can be our friend at times of need, however left unchecked it can become a mask for our other emotions.  When we are hurt we can sometimes respond with anger, and then not express our true feelings of pain even to ourselves. Gradually we begin to lose touch with our other emotions.  Anger becomes that controlling friend that wants to monopolise us. When we feel hurt, let down by others, disappointed in ourselves, frightened or lonely, anger become the blanket response.

Anger is like fire.  Contained and guarded in the hearth it provides what is required to keep   some of the harsher elements at bay, but when allowed to escape from its proper place in our ‘home’ it becomes a destructive force.

Anger is one of the most significant components in the stages of grief.  If we are grieving the loss of a loved one through death or the breakdown of a relationship we often become angry at the person or the circumstance we find ourselves in.  This may result in what seems like irrational statements and behaviour; however it can be the rope bridge that gets us over the pit of depression.  Similarly as you are in a vulnerable state, anger can be the response required to defend you from the opportunistic predators that will crawl out of the woodwork.  Predators are a topic that I’ll be revisiting later in the blog.   In short they come in many forms, they can be your ex partner trying to secure their own future at the expense of your rights,  they can be employers wanting to exploit your circumstances or they can be simply sexual or social predators attracted to your neediness – co dependents have the hunting radar of killer sharks.

Anger can be the anchor that stops you drifting out to sea and then morph into the weight that pulls you down.  Be aware of your anger. Be aware of its source. Be aware of its true origins.  Be aware of its impact on your life and on the lives of those around you.

There will come a point in your grief when you must make a decision to wallow or move forward.  Truly the only way to progress is to let go.  You may still feel too much injustice exists to let go cold turkey.  The fact is that most of the injustices will remain unpunished.   You have to make the choice  ‘do I want to be proved right?’ or ‘do I want to be happy?’.   I’ve found a good way to wean myself off anger is to continue expressing it in written form.  When I feel something has been unfair and it angers me, I write the full angry response down, explaining all my grievances.  Then I read it, and I begin to edit.  As my own editor I recognise that I am not responsible for others. I recognise emotive language and I remove it.  I whittle the message down until only the core points remain.  I remove accusations, I remove judgments, i remove references to the past – I simply say what needs to be said.

The strange thing is that this exercise is hugely empowering.  In our angry state we are puffing ourselves up trying to make ourselves look larger, like a cornered animal raising its hackles. That’s not power, that is fear.  Power is being able to clearly define your boundaries. There is power in calmly stating your own needs and rejecting unreasonable demands. Power is being assertive and standing your ground without aggression.  Power is in not being afraid to be who you are.  Power is knowing that you are equal to anyone.

When you truly believe you are equal, and you respect and love yourself you no longer require others to validate you. You understand that forgiving and moving on is liberating.  Letting go of bitterness and anger will set you free.  We don’t have to continue to be victims, we don’t have to suffer selfishness, and we don’t have to live with the burden of grudges carried from the past.

It can take time to let go of anger, but it is a worthwhile exercise.  Anger burns so much fuel; it leaves us depleted if allowed to run amok within us.  Keep anger safely in the hearth; make it a tool in your life not a controlling force.

The Void

          

If you haven’t been on your own for a long time, it may feel like the protective shell that was your relationship has been wrenched off.  Your immediate instinct may be to try to find a way back in to it.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship was happy or satisfying; simply that it was familiar and as such provided you with your sense of security.

You may become obsessed in your search for answers.  An entire industry has been built around this phase.  E Books guaranteeing you to have your partner back in ‘X’ number of easy steps for example, are rife. There is no easy answer, formula or solution.  You are embarking on something that cannot be resolved in a short period of time.

 If you haven’t been provided with a tangible reason for the finality of your break up you may spend months trying to work out what is wrong and how to fix it.  Some people even succeed in doing so.

Either way it is a vulnerable time and you have an emotional vacuum that wants to be filled.  You may try to fill it with answers about your former partner and their actions. You may try to fill it with distractions, lots of activities, socialising etc.  You may convince yourself that you   have met the perfect person and it was clearly meant to be. 

I believe though that the void can only be filled from within.  You have to stop asking questions about your partners behaviour and examine your own and your life as a whole together.  Examine your own wants and needs.   Review your own emotional condition.

This assessment should form the basis of all your decisions.  Do your budget and assess your practical requirements, then factor in your emotional levels, and how you can make time to raise those levels back to buoyancy.  Do not take on a job that is going to tip you over the edge with stress and anxiety.  If you need to cut back materially in order to expand emotionally, I believe this is the healthy choice to make.  Getting in to a ‘rat run‘now to earn a living may see you having a  grey existence indefinitely; one  where you exist and function rather than live and thrive. If you can take some healing time do it.  It’s not indulgence, it’s common sense.  You want to live at your optimum level, you are of more value to yourself and to others if you do.  Your inner health will dictate the health of your relationships in the future.

This time can be seen as an opportunity.  You could have gone on living the lie that was your relationship indefinitely.  You could simply go in to survival mode as previously alluded to.  You can however choose to begin to live consciously.  You can change your focus and you can create a new blue print for yourself and for your life.

You are in a privileged position.  You are going to find out who you are and what you need to be happy, so that when the time comes you will be ready to form a healthy loving and equal relationship.  You will have the confidence to make judgements based on the actions of others not the rhetoric, and you will have the confidence to live and be accepted as your true self. 

Living authentically as they say.  This I believe is the secret to happiness and peace of mind.

Spousal Maintenance – Australian Law

When your marriage breaks up your finances may be in a state of disarray, this is compounded by the even more chaotic state of your emotions.  People are disadvantaged by not knowing their rights, and are often not in a position to afford the right solicitor that gives you the right advice pro-actively. 

Don’t take it for granted that your solicitor is going to intuitively volunteer all the information you need to know to get your best possible outcome.  Often you have to ask the right questions and be very specific in order to get the answers you need.  The problem is that you need to be quite expert to know what the right questions are!

Spousal support is an entitlement that a lot of people miss out on.  Take the following scenario for example:

  • Your marriage has broken up, your partner has decided that they are moving on and are substantially reducing the role they are playing in their children’s lives.  They leave taking with them the sole income for your home.  You are not currently working.  You are struggling emotionally from the impact of your marriage breaking down and have had to seek help from your GP, you may be having trouble sleeping, concentrating and dealing with basic day to day tasks that you used to take in your stride. How are you going to buy groceries, pay your bills keep your kids in their classes, buy clothes etc?

 It’s not reasonable to expect that you should have to.  When you were married you were contributing equally to your partner, they went out to earn the salary and you stayed at home to raising the family and keeping the home going to enable them to earn it, it was an equal partnership.  In that respect nothing has changed you are still running the household and raising their kids.  They may have elected to leave your marriage, that is their right, but there is no reason for you to take on more than your fair share of the responsibilities they are walking out on.  The law is quite clear on this, if you are capable of supporting yourself you are expected to, but this simply isn’t always the case.  You may not choose to go down the path of claiming spousal support, this may in retrospect be something you regret i.e.  Martyr Syndrome when you are looking at a stack of debt some time later you may wonder why you felt more responsible for your ex partners welfare than you did for your own and your kids.  Don’t assume you will be thanked. 

If you are  being pressured by your ex about money this may be a sign of the struggle you have ahead and all the more reason to ensure you are clear about getting your entitlements now.  Don’t struggle financially because you feel guilty about claiming your rights. Your rights are your rights, not privileges, not favours not charity.

Another thing you may need to check is the possible impact that spousal support may have on other government entitlements.  You need to weigh up all your options carefully.  Spend a little time asking questions now to avoid a lot of time regretting you didn’t later.

Spreadsheets should become your friend now.  If you are not adept at spread sheeting and researching, believe me you have at least one friend or acquaintance that thrives on it and will throw themself in to it with gusto.

Spousal support may not be the answer to all your problems, and it will  likely be less than you hope for, but it’s something to be aware of and something that may be worth pursuing so do your homework.

The law tries to be fair to both parties.  It is not the place to try to pursue emotional vendettas, it is simply the avenue for claiming your rights if they are not freely offered by the other party involved.

 

I did a google search and found the following information at this link:

http://www.armstronglegal.com.au/web/page/spousal_maintenance

Armstrong Legal are Australian Family Lawyers located in Sydney, specialising in the area of Spousal Maintenance.

Spousal maintenance is when one person provides ongoing financial support for their former husband or wife.

Under the Family Law Act, both spouses have a duty to support and maintain each other, even after you have separated or divorced. Essentially, the extent of the support depends on the following:

One spouse (the applicant) is unable to adequately meet his or her own reasonable needs; and

The other spouse (the respondent) has the capacity to pay.

When deciding any financial disputes after a divorce, the Court bases its decisions on the general principles set out in Sections 79(4) and 75(2) of the Family Law Act 1975. In summary, the judicial officer will try to decide on what is most fair and equitable, based on the following information (for both spouses):

Your income, property, financial resources and debts

Your age and health (which determines future requirements)

Your ability to earn, and whether this has been affected by the marriage

What is considered to be a suitable standard of living

Whether the children live with you or your former spouse.

Spousal maintenance is not automatic, and often is considered as part of an overall settlement of financial matters.

It is necessary that both parties attempt to reach an agreement outside of court, before filing an application for spousal maintenance orders. When spousal maintenance applications are filed with either the Family Court or the Federal Magistrates Court, both parties are ordered to undergo “pre-action procedures” including participation in a dispute resolution.

In rare cases, such as situations involving urgency, child abuse, family violence or fraud, the Court may accept that it is not possible or appropriate for the pre-action procedures to be carried out.

Applications for spousal maintenance must be made within 12 months of your divorce becoming final. Later applications require special permission from the court, but this is not always granted.

via Spousal Maintenance.

Find some inspiration

Find some inspiration

The wonderful Nina Simone…

This song is a great source of inspiration to me.  It reminds me that I’ve got everything I need to survive and thrive.

We’ve all got things like this, it might be a song, a poem or a movie scene, it might be a painting or a beautiful view.  It might be the sound of your children laughing, or the satisfaction of a well prepared meal or a garden brought back from the verge of jungle status.  There is something we can all draw on.  You can make a concious effort to  look for beauty, you can make a point of smiling at a stranger, you can do an act of kindness.  There are so many little things you can do to make your life a little better.

Your happiness  and well being is  not dependant on anyone but you.  If you feel other people have wronged you, that’s a shame, but they didn’t take ownership of you so don’t give them your power.  Take charge of your life, take charge of the direction you want your life to go in.  Make happiness a choice and a goal.   Find something inspirational every day and take a moment out of your life to enjoy it and appreciate it.

We live in an age where we can enjoy so much of the worlds talent courtesy of the internet.  Take a few minutes and look up something funny on youtube, check out someone fabulously talented doing what they do best – see how fantastic people can be when they don’t let others set limitations for them.

Imagine that your emotional bank has been tapped out.  Consider these inspiring items to be  deposits, the stuff of life that will get your emotional account back in to the black again.  Put yourself on a saving plan.  Every day be accountable to yourself, demonstrate what you’ve done to make a deposit.  Perform regular audits. 

You are going to beat this internal recession.  You know it’s a cycle, recessions come and go.  Each one is announced with all the same gloom and doom ‘worst ever’ etc. but the human spirit being what it is the cycle ends and the good times return again. 

Don’t give up.

Life begins again …….

When we’ve been through something traumatic we are left feeling drained physically and emotionally.  There may have been an extended period when you haven’t slept well (if at all) and you may have neglected your eating habits.  It takes time to recover. It takes patience.  It also takes vigilance.  Recovery is not always going to come naturally, you may need to dig deep and make a conscious effort to drag yourself back on to your feet.  As I have said consistently if you are struggling, get help.  It is not a sign of weakness to need help.  We live together as a society because we are all dependant on one another in one shape or form.  Nobody gets through life without needing help and support at some time.  By allowing others to help you, you make it easier for them to ask for help when the day comes that they need it.  Your friends and loved ones want to help you.  Health professionals have been trained to help you.  Ultimately though, you must help you.

So, you are weary – exhausted even.  You feel jaded.  What can you do?

There are limitless options, dependant upon the kind of person that you are.  Only you can limit yourself. Remember that.  Other people may be insensitive, ignorant about your true circumstances, critical and discouraging, but it’s your choice as to whether you allow their attitudes to hold you down.  Find your inner place, your inner voice and let that be your guide.  Only your inner voice can speak for you.

As the saying goes ‘a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step’, so think about your first step.  If your life has recently changed dramatically,  it’s possible that the first step may be that you get to know who you are again.  Who are you? what are your dreams?  what is your passion? Even more basic, what are you like? how do  you think? 

If you’ve been living a busy life it’s possible you have completely lost sight of this.  When my life changed and I was forced to reflect I realised that I had completely lost sight of myself.  I read an article about someone realising a dream and it occurred to me that I had no dreams.  I had been living my life in a rut for so long that I had given up on the idea of dreams in favour of day-to-day drudgery, fulfilling an agenda that didn’t even matter to me.  At one point early in the piece I had thought that once ‘the agenda’ had been completed that it would be my turn, but time went on until all my dreams had faded and I basically lived life as if tied to a yoke, working, taking care of my kids, contributing to the agenda, day after day.  I had lost myself.  I was very unhappy but didn’t   acknowledge it.

So let’s look at some potential options, one or all of which you may find useful.

Remember the number 1 priority – understanding who you are as person today and trying to get a handle on who you want to be.

  • Seeking counselling is a very good way of getting to know yourself again.  Your emotions may be coming thick and fast.  I often felt that my thoughts were coming  like a thousand people trying to rush through a revolving door at the same time, the end result being a jammed door and a long que of frustrated ‘people thoughts’ left out in the cold.  It is so difficult to collect and manage your own thoughts when you are under stress.  Counselling enables you to explore your thoughts and flesh them out.  Unlike your friends and family, the counsellor will not be so desperate to offer help and advice that they stifle your own exploration of your thoughts. They will listen to you actively, which in turn will help you get those thoughts in to some kind of orderly que so that they can come through the door one at a time and be dealt with individually.
  • Counselling may throw things up about you that although they seem obvious when highlighted may have escaped you up to that point. In my case the extent to which I had become anxious was highlighted.  I had just come to accept my own behaviour as  being normal for me – suddenly it was being presented to me as something I could actually control!  This was quite a revelation. 
  • What kind of personality are you? Have you ever really analysed this? There are a number of sites with free personality tests, I’ve included a link to a Jung style test on this blog – it’s under the Category ‘Understanding You’.  This is interesting.  It gives you a very basic blueprint of you!  There are lots of similar tests available. If you are seeing a counsellor they will be able to do one with you.
  • The outward you.  What is your outward appearance like? Do you think it represents the real you? Have you changed over the years to conform to what you think other people want to see of you?  Guess what?  You’re back in the driving seat, it’s time to find your own style.  Get the haircut, buy the outfit, change the make up – whatever it takes. Think about what you like, what you want to present to the world and do it.  Don’t be afraid – you are 100% entitled to be you.  Other people may have their opinions but here is the epiphany for today – your opinion is just as valid, and when it comes to you – in fact  your opinion has the casting vote! Be you, find your style, rebrand yourself – the all new improved you.
  • Read and research.  Scan the self-help sections, some titles will leap out at you. You may not think of yourself as the ‘self help’ type, but somewhere in those pages you may find a phrase or paragraph that really speaks to you. The moments you find these are the emotional equivalent of making a deposit in your ‘peace of mind’ account.
  • I ordered ’The Secret’ (Laws of Attraction) on DVD and listened to it on my car.  This DVD elicits very mixed feelings in me because I was not comfortable with the degree to which it focused on the material , however it did have a lot of positive messages and affirmations.   I began to realise the importance of these in repairing a wounded psyche. They are soothing, they are refreshing.  This is what your exhausted emotional self needs.  In short Comfort.  I do personally believe in the laws of attraction.
  • Find positive voices. These are the voices that will lift you and carry you through.
  • Take a little time each day to think about you.  What do you enjoy.  If you’ve lost touch with yourself, take some time to think back to the happy moments in your life.  What was the source of the happiness.  Remember you as a child, what did you dream of, what made your eyes shine with wistful anticipation.  Those childhood aspirations may still be valid for you now, they may hold the clues to the person you still want to be.
  • When you come up with some dreams start writing them down, keep a journal.  If you suddenly remember that you always wanted to travel – write down a list of the places you’d like to go to.  If you think you’d like to study or learn a craft , or take up a sport  write down a list of the options you might be interested in.  Do some searching on the net and start building up some information in your favourites bar.  You may not be ready to tackle them all today, but you are laying the foundations for your future.
  • If you feel isolated, perhaps because you are no longer part of a couple while all your old friends are, think of ways to meet new people.  Check out some short courses, join the social club at work, get involved in some volunteer work, join a committee at your kid’s school.  Start interacting.  The big difference is that from this day forward the person you present to the world is going to be 100% you!  Not the watered down compromise version you have been putting out there for years.
  • There is an excellent website which gives you the opportunity to meet people with common interests, it operates all over the world. This allows you to make contact with people whether you are a new parent, a coffee lover, you want to go walking, see a movie – just about anything.  Here is the home site – just look up your own location.

http://www.meetup.com/

So I think this post is long enough for now.  I’ll be talking on this topic again of course as it is an ongoing thing.

Enjoy getting to know you again xxx

Who is this person that used to be my husband?

You’ve lived with someone for years.  Listened to them extolling their values – in particular their great family values.  Hear them describe themselves as honest and trustworthy and ethical on numerous occasions.  You completely believe it.  They may have other faults, as do you, but one thing you know for sure is that they would never do anything to betray you or hurt your family unit. 

One day you notice a slight shift.  The ethics that have been held aloft like a pennant for so long are suddenly being run down the flag pole, and stowed away.  It starts gradually.  Rules that used to be strictly adhered to suddenly are seen as less ‘rigid’, some are now completely broken.

Strange little things occur.  For years you’ve lived with someone who is e.g. disgusted by prawns and shellfish - you sit down at a family gathering and for no apparent reason suddenly they are eating them with gusto.  That is a strange example isn’t it?  believe me it happens! 

Suddenly you can apparently do nothing right.  You are committing terrible crimes like not going to bed at the exact moment your partner does, or not being productive enough every second of every day, or not looking as if you are about to star in a fashion shoot – when in fact you are about to mop the floors or clean the toilet!  You are having a conversation, your partner makes a point, you agree with them and  they bight your head off as if you had attacked what they were saying. 

The person that used to praise you at every opportunity to anyone that would listen then informs you that they’ve never loved you, you make them feel empty, if it wasn’t for you (and those damn inconvenient kids) they would be so much happier. Basically you are now expected to disappear off the face of the earth.

It seems so unrealistic and yet, if you talk to people who have gone through divorce, no matter where they are in the world, you will find that similar scenarios are played out all over the world.

It’s so confusing, it’s no exaggeration to say that being confronted with this sudden change in behaviour in someone you thought you knew, actually does make you question your own sanity.  You doubt your ability to get anything right, how can you live with someone for years, have a family, go through so much and still not have a clue who that person is.

How could you not hear that time bomb ticking inside them?

In fact when time has passed and the emotional mists have cleared, you will realise that  there was a relentless ticking in your life.  So many warning signs going back to the very beginning of your relationship.  At the time however, you were naive, you didn’t know that such behaviours were so common, basically you never needed to  know.  It seems to be something like child-birth, people don’t allow themselves to really go there until they have to i.e. when contractions are coming fast and furious!

This in no way implies that all was perfect prior to this shift.  However, you were still under the impression that your relationship and  family unit  mattered to both of you.  Mattered enough to be put ahead of any phase of unhappiness.  Such phases are inevitable in life particularly when people are working hard to raise kids and make a living and very little  support is available. You believe it mattered enough so that if one of you felt things were going wrong that the first thing to do would be to be honest with each other, and come up with a plan to try to fix things together.  Sadly, that is not always the way it goes.

Society seems so flippant about relationship and family break up now.  Lets face it,if you are the type of person that can emotionally detach, life is so much ‘easier’ without having a family draining your energy.  Easier to revert to those carefree days when you just came and went as you pleased.  Hey easier again if you already have a new partner lined up.  Yes, 95% of the time at least you can assume there is already another woman on the scene.  If you’re going to work being told what a ‘quality guy’ you are by miss 30+  desperate and dateless, who has nothing better to do than fix her hair and make up and go for a run after work, isn’t that going to seem so much more appealing to going home and being asked to help with readers, fix the pool pump etc.  Of course it is.  The trick is though that while it may seem easier, people who are not at their core selfish will not go down that path. 

A lot is written about mid-life crisis and I believe that we all go through them.  However, I don’t believe it changes the essence of  who we are.  We may get a little crazy and reckless, suddenly buy that flash car or start to dress like an extra from ‘desperately Seeking Susan’ having neatly disregarded that the 80′s are long gone, but we don’t lose our ability to differentiate between right and wrong.  We don’t suddenly become selfish if we haven’t been in  the past.  We may think those thoughts about running away and being responsibility free again, but we don’t act on them.  Unless we were always that way inclined.  Mid life brings out the best in us and the worst in us, but it doesn’t bring out anything that wasn’t  already there.

Here is a great article on the same theme

http://www.runawayhusbands.com/learning_place.html

The purpose of this is basically to demonstrate that this is a common occurence.  It really does mess with you head, don’t underestimate the extent to which it will.  However, you do get over it.

Once I’ve finished talking about the events that may have changed our lives I’m going to concentrate on the road to recovery.

If you would like to add anything please feel free to comment at the end of the post, I’d really appreciate feedback. 

xxx

Grief

Grief is a process that none of us will avoid in life, however none of us prepare for it and until it affects us directly we have no idea what is involved.

When the time came for me to experience grief I was shocked at the depth and the strength of the emotions.  It made me think with shame of all the time I had offered condolences to people - without truly stopping to think how the loss they were experiencing and the associated grief were impacting their life on a practical and emotional level.  I realised how much more I could have done to help people.  There is so much more to being there for someone in these circumstances than simply saying your sorry and maybe handing them a casserole..

Grief takes time, grief takes energy, grief takes an enormous toll.  It leaves you changed forever, it batters and erodes you and yet when the final waves of absolute grief have passed it leaves you somehow stronger.

It is normally said that there are 5 stages of grief, but I prefer the definition in the attached link – of 7.

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

I personally believe that grief is something that must be expressed in order to be survived.  If we do not allow ourselves to express the full extent of our grief it will sit in wait for the next event in our life to occur and it will compound it.  Grief is not pretty or dignified , it is painful and raw.  It is confusing and treacherous – it will leave and return without warning like a summer storm, violent and oppressive a dark swollen wave crashing over you.

Unexpressed grief has many triggers, it may be a kind word, a familiar smell, a song or just an evocative feeling.  You can be singing along to a song in the car and suddenly your thoughts will turn and before you know it the tears will flow.

People that have not experienced it will not get it.  People that lack empathy generally will not get it (of course).  You may feel pressured to act as though you feel better than you do.  Be your own judge.  At some point you may feel that you are ready to at least act as though you feel better but do it for you not for others,it’s your process and only you can time it.

If you feel bogged down by it and you inner voice is telling you that you are not coping, listen to it and seek help.  Visit your GP and discuss how you are feeling.

As always be kind to yourself.  Forgive yourself. The past is done and can’t be changed, you are here and now and allowing yourself to heal will lead you to a better tomorrow.

There is no accurate time frame for the grieving process.  Some people say that the grief of loosing a relationship generally takes a month for every year in the relationship.  That proved fairly accurate for me.  Not because I was grieving the loss of something wonderful, I was simply grieving the loss of what was, or more accurately what I thought was. I was also grieving the loss of trust and the associated peace of mind.

Grief comes for many reasons and in many forms.  None of us are immune to it.  If someone around you is experiencing it, don’t try to fix it, this put’s pressure on them to ’act better’ for fear of letting you down after all your efforts, simply allow them to go through it and express it and offer support.

This could be a never-ending post, but I’ll stop it here.

If you are feeling grief now I wish you well on your journey and send you love.

Confidence

I used to be the one that did

The one that knew

The way was clear

Until the day the life I knew

Just disappeared

Then suddenly

I didn’t do

I didn’t know

The way was lost

Was everything illusion?

Had I always been a fool?

The life we’d built was gone

I was alone

I hesitated on the edge of life

Afraid to move

Terrified of what more could be lost

Gradually I re emerged

Tentative and unsure

Slowly realising that

I could

I always had

I always did

I always knew the way

My life was no illusion

This much I knew for sure

Because this time I’d built  it from within

Welcome back confidence!

Lol

I hope you don’t mind the self indulgence.  I wanted to write about confidence and it seemed the best way to illustrate that mine has returned somewhat is to put something like that out there and say I know it’s not Keats but it’s what I want to say and I’m ok with it.

The loss of confidence as a result of the break up of my relationship was something so unexpected and shocking to me.  I think in my case it was compounded by the fact that I had recently taken a severance payment from my executive job after 14 years or more, and was not working,  so I suddenly found myself without an identity on 2 levels.

I have pretty much been financially independent since I was 13 – I had part time jobs etc until leaving college and taking up full time employment.  I left home and indeed my country of origin  on my own when I was 18.  I never had a lot of money, but what I did have was independence and some kind of blind confidence in my ability to take care of myself in whatever environment I was in.

So fast forward to the day I find myself on my own with 2 kids after 16 years of being in what I now recognise was a co dependant relationship.  My life had been turned upside down and exposed as a lie. This set in motion a kind of unravelling effect.  I questioned everything.  Was it the first affair?  It’s unlikely, there had been evidence in the past that I’d let go because I trusted my partner.  That was the first of many questions.  The questions lead to doubt.  The doubt grew like a cancer.  I became nervous about my ability to do anything.

I recognise a similar fear in others.  I see people with skills and talent holding themselves back because of fear.  Often the fear relates back to being in a bad relationship, and very often relates to being betrayed or lied to by the person they trusted implicitly. Suddenly day to day things that used to be taken in the stride become like Everest.  Decisions become almost impossible to make because you are 2nd  and quadruple guessing  yourself constantly. Work that used to be routine becomes unfathomable.

The good news is that it isn’t permanent, however there is no magic pill to restore your confidence.

It again takes a number of little steps.  It takes a series of small achievements, pushing yourself a little outside your comfort zone.  Doing that course, going to that party you dreaded being alone at, getting that new hair style or makeover. 

One day the penny drops and you realise you are not a bad person and people can either take you or leave you it’s up to them, that’s not your problem, because you are doing the best to be the best you can be.  You will make mistakes, but you’ll pick yourself up and carry on and life will not come to an end.  Gradually your confidence will germinate, and start to grow again. 

Xxx

Poem: No more smalling up of Me by Jean Wilson

This is a lovely poem I came across recently, perfect for anyone emerging from an unhealthy relationship.

No More Smalling Up Of Me
Jean Wilson

No more meekly saying ‘yes’
When my heart is screaming ‘no’
No more taming of my feelings
So my power won’t show
No more hiding my exuberance
From disapproving eyes
No more watering down myself
So my spirit won’t rise

No more ‘smalling up’ of me
Pretending I am not here
No more running from the music
And the spotlight’s glare
No more living in this prison
Barricaded by my fears
No more turning and retreating
In the face of new frontiers

Even as I am speaking
I am taking shape and form
Harnessing my powers
Like a gathering storm
There’s no obstacle so bold
As to dare stand in my way
I am taking back my life
And I am doing it today. 

  

Doing something just for you

Things can become awfully hectic very fast when your life suddenly changes without warning.  You become so caught up in just keeping things together that you often completely forget about your own well-being.

This is a big mistake.  If you have kids, pets, a mortgage that needs to be serviced  or rent that needs to be paid you need to understand that without you they all suffer.  Make sure you are looking after yourself.  

If you refer to my post ‘Coping in the beginning’ you’ll see some information on getting assistance via your GP and Counselling.  It’s important to take action and get help if you’re not sleeping and eating.

Here are some suggestions:

  • Walking is very good to clear your mind , try to take a walk as often as you can.
  • Consider joining a gym if you can - you can work out some frustrations and if you’re feeling depressed you can release some endorphins.  It doesn’t have to be a gym, maybe gradually build up the pace on your walks until your incorporating a run into your daily walk.
  • Think about doing a short course – it gets you out of the house, gives you something other than your divorce  or loss to think about and you can pick up a skill that will make your life better.  I did 2 short courses one on Assertiveness and one on Meditation.  Both were available through my local TAFE college.
  • Check out your local community centres and halls – you often find cheap courses or classes there,  sometimes even free courses.  If it gets you out of the house and distracted it’s a good start – you will also get to interact with some people who don’t know you as the former wife or husband of  ‘…’.  It’s a very small step in to your new life and a taste of your new identity.
  • If you are at a loose end – think about volunteering – you meet great people and you get in touch with your local community.  It’s a surprisingly rich place.

Think about what you enjoy doing, maybe you haven’t done it for a while – make this your opportunity to take it up.  If you always wanted to take a golf lesson or do a life drawing class – be nice to yourself and let yourself do it.

You may feel guilty about this, DONT! This is a small incremental step towards feeling better.  You deserve to feel better, you need to feel better.  The people in your life that care about you need to see you feeling and doing better.

On that note I must add – there may be pressure for you to feel better after a few months.  People seem to have an idea that grief or loss has a time limit.  Of course it does, but it’s got an individual setting for each of us.  You will feel better in your own time at your own pace.  Don’t arrive at the 6 month or 12 month mark and panic because you are still having bad days.  It’s perfectly normal – for you.  You are the only gauge for you.  This is where forum sites can become invaluable.  They give you a yard stick, when you talk to others you realise that healing takes longer than you think and that applies to everyone.  My experience is that we all heal at different rates but each of us are surprised at how long it takes and each of us at times beat ourselves up for not ‘feeling better by now’

Be kind to yourself. You are doing your best. Keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the other.  If you feel you are struggling get help.  There is no shame in needing help, this is very very tough – and whether you realise it or  not nobody can do it without help.

Family Relationship Advice Line

Here is an extract from the Family Relationships Australia site (Australian Government site) the link  to this site is to the right of the page or http://www.familyrelationships.gov.au/Services/FRAL/Pages/default.aspx

this relates to the advice line but if you explore the site you’ll find a lot of useful information.

The Family Relationship Advice Line

Phone: 1800 050 321

Hours of operation

The Family Relationship Advice Line (1800 050 321) is available from 8 am to 8 pm, Monday to Friday, and 10 am to 4 pm on Saturday (local time), except national public holidays.

Overview

The Family Relationship Advice Line is a national telephone service established to assist families affected by relationship or separation issues.

The Advice Line provides information on family relationship issues and advice on parenting arrangements after separation. It can also refer callers to local services that can provide assistance.

The Advice Line complements the information and services offered by Family Relationship Centres. It ensures that people who are not able to attend a Centre can be helped.

Who can call the Advice Line?

The Advice Line is for anyone who is affected by family relationship or separation issues and difficulties. This includes parents, grandparents, children, young people, step-parents or friends.

Callers who are deaf or have a hearing or speech impairment can call through the National Relay Service:

  • textphone or modem users: phone 1800 555 677 then ask for 1800 050 321
  • voice-only (speak and listen) users: phone 1800 555 727 then ask for 1800 050 321
  • computer or mobile phone users with a connection to the internet: go to http://www.relayservice.com.au/ and select ‘Make an internet relay call now’ then ask for 1800 050 321. That web site also details how to use instant messaging through MSN or AOL to make a call.

What can you expect to receive?

The Family Relationship Advice Line will be available to provide you with:

  • information about services to help people maintain healthy relationships
  • information about the family law system
  • advice on family separation issues
  • guidance on developing workable parenting arrangements after family separation
  • advice about the impact of conflict on children
  • referral to Family Relationship Centres and other dispute resolution services
  • organisation of telephone dispute resolution for people unable to attend a family dispute resolution service, and
  • referral to a range of other services to help with family relationship and family separation issues.

Confidentiality

All callers are treated as anonymous. However, when you call, you will be asked for a few details which will help identify you should you call again. This will mean that you will not have to repeat all the same information each time you ring. Alternatively, you may elect not to provide any identifying information and be treated as a new caller next time you call.

Positive Messages

When you experience a significant change in your life like divorce, it can become all consuming. It’s all you think about or talk about. I found that having some little distraction techniques to break the monopoly provided respite.

It depends on how you are as a person, but I found tarot and astrology quite interesting and at times absorbing. I think because dealing with my life became so intense that I needed some escapism.  There are online sites that are good when you find yourself feeling yourself slipping in to a rut, you can go and turn some tarot cards and be reminded that the world is full of mystery and we dont have to assume the future will be all doom and gloom.

You can have emails delivered to your email account from sites such as Meditation Australia – this provides a positive message to start your day. 

Its important to find some little techniques that will help you lift your spirits.  Positive messages and affirmations do work over time.  Susan Jeffers site has a free pdf that you can download which contains positive affirmations – I found it very helpful.  Louise Hay also has some very positive messages.  Both women have written great books Jefffers is famous for ‘Feel the fear and do it anyway’ and Louise Hay for ‘You can heal your life’.

Training your mind to opt for positive rather than negative thoughts is achievable with practice.  Your thought are what end up being your feelings, your thoughts dictate the life you will have.  Being aware of how you are thinking is very important.  The positive affirmations are a training tool.  If you approach this with an open mind and read the affirmations, over time  you will notice an improvement in your frame of mind.  Your perception will become more optimistic.  This will lead to a happier you.

When you go through the trial and error of trying to find the tool which best works for you in lifitng your spirits you may be met by cynisism and snide remarks from people. It’s unfortunate but it may happen.  My advice is to look at the people making the remarks and think about how happy they actually are.  I think you’ll find that they’re methods are not doing them much good and you’ll opt to stick with what works for you.  That is it in a nutshell, find what works for you. 

In the well being section I’ll include some links to sites that I like.

I’m also including a link to  a video of Maya Angelou performing her poem ‘And still I rise’ this poem is an all time favourite of mine and I hope you enjoy it too.

What is fair

Hopefully you are in a position to make an amicable and fair settlement that you mutually agree upon.  I advise that you are both fully aware of your rights and entitlements before you reach an agreement, and I would also advise you  take time to think about the actual consequences of your agreement.

Whether things are amicable or not, it’s important to note that life is complicated and although initially you may think you can come up with a quick number to satisfy both parties, with some reflection and recalculation it may transpire that one of you is not being taken care of quite as fairly as it initally seemed.

Where no children are involved these days it is generally more straight forward as it is rare for a woman to give up her career to ‘look after’ her husband, although I guess there are still some cultures where this would be a standard practice.  In principal one would hope that an agreement could be reached without having to call in the solicitors. 

Fair is an interesting term isn’t it, what is fair? it’s so subjective.  If you cannot reach an agreement which you both agree is fair, than that term becomes redundant.  You then need to think solely in terms of legal rights.  Legal rights are often not fair at all.  There is a myth that women are very well looked after in Divorce settlements, but in my experience the only time that women are well looked after is if their Ex partner enables this to happen.  This often does occur, some men are very much more than fair when it comes to settlement and I congratulate them for their generosity and hope that they were not disadvantaged themselves by it.

To say that the law gives preferential treatment to women to the detriment of men is somewhat amusing to me.  Seriously does anyone actually believe that the most established boys club that there is disadvantages men to be nice to women? does that seem remotely feasable to anyone?  In my opinion the law tries to treat people fairly, there are precedents to refer to and rulings a plenty, but at no point did anyone say women will be given a bonus because they are women.  Mothers are often allocated a greater % in their settlement if they are the primary carer, but if you think about what mothers have to do and provide as primary carer , and take in to account  that effectively their settlement is shared with their children – you will soon conclude that they were not quite as generously provided for as you initially thought.

In some cases the Ex partner has his own view on what is fair.  He has decided that he is moving on, he has detached emotionally and he is focused on his future and what he needs to build the future he desires.  Sometimes he will already have a new partner by his side, she is also focused on her future and her desires.  Where does this leave you? In short what they want should not interest  you.  Focus on your rights and understand why they are your rights.

Know that all solicitors/lawyers were not created equal.  Ensure that you get a reputable family law solicitor if you can.  If you need to use legal aid so be it.  In either case, be prepared to do some research yourself.  You only have one chance to make this settlement, you dont want to find out you overlooked something critical that will have a long lasting impact on your quality of life, just because you didn’t do your homework. There are a couple of websites which will offer a little taste of legal advice but you won’t get anything terribly signficant this way.  Most solicitors will offer you the first 30 minutes free.

Solicitors are very expensive.  Make sure that every minute you spend with them, every email or phone conversation you have with them counts.  Do not waste time on waffle – either from you or from them.  Be prepared.  Think about what you want to get out of every meeting, write down questions and ensure you take notes on the answers.

Be realistic. You may not like what your best outcome is – but understand that the law doesn’t really care, it will simply deliver according to it’s clearly defined rules.  Understanding the rules is important, all your arguements will be based around them.

Sometimes bullying and manipulation become a factor.  These are very very hard to withstand.  You may have already been battered emotionally by the breakdown of your relationship, you may be vulnerable and overstretched. Your thinking may be clouded by emotions.   Some people are not above taking advantage of this.  They use all kinds of manipulative tricks, even implying that by agreeing to their terms you will be proving to them that you love them and they may therefore reconsider leaving you.. please don’t fall for that!  If you experience bullying or intimidation of any kind – take steps to stop it happening.  Here in Victoria, you can find out when the magistrate is sitting in your local court, go along and request an intervention order.  Here is a link explaining the process http://www.legalaid.vic.gov.au/1831.htm.

So some food for thought if you are the primary carer.  First of all do your budget and do it in fine detail – there is a link to a budget calculator on my blog which will help.  Try to include everything you can possibly think of all your annual as well as weekly and montly outgoings.   Check your weekly total for outgoings  - I’m pretty sure it will be higher than you thought.

What can you cut ?  Have you factored in money for saving for an emergency, on a tight budget a broken down fridge or washing machine can be an emergency.  What about health costs, school costs, will you ever be able to afford a holiday again?

Now think about your life.  You may not feel as though you have much of a life right now, but you are entitled to have one.  If you want to go out in the evening – can you?   I dont have family here and one can only ask so many favours before the time spent paying them back becomes to exhausting. So effectively you may feel as though under house arrest a lot of the time, unless you can afford babysitters.  I know initially I resisted the idea of babysitters because I felt the kids had dealt with enough upheaval without me going out and leaving them, but 2 years and very minimal social life later I really do recomend that you think a little more about yourself at this point.  Do you have pets?  When I separated I was left with a very elderly boxer dog, the boxer dog my ex wanted in fact.  A year later she was diagnosed with cancer and about $3,000 later she was euthanased.  I loved her and dont begruge her a penny, I was lucky I had those penny’s at the time - I have fewer penny’s now! My point is that these unexpected items come up, when you are living with a decent income you take them in your stride.  When you are a single parent, with more limited earning potential – incidents like that can submerge you.

Realistically, as a single parent you can have a wonderful and fulfilled life, but it is so much tougher in practical and financial terms then being the fortnightly parent (as an example).  You may be able to maintain a high flying career if you have the right support system and good for you if you are.  But it will come at a cost to you – it will exhaust you, and the guilt of being a working parent is in my experience very very heightened when you know your kids are dealing with the breakdown of their family.  You may decide to make career compromises to provide greater balance in your life and make yourself more available to your kids – this too comes at a cost and will also exhaust you, you will still feel guilty but perhaps to a lesser degree and now the purse strings will be tighter again.  If you are a stay at home mum – you are exhausted and the purse strings are asfixiating!  Centrlink provides help, as does the CSA and there are other small entitlements such as the Education Maintenance Allowance in Victoria, but the message is – make you you get the best settlement you possibly can because your future and your kids future depend on it.

It is not a time to be nice, it is not a time to pull some martyred I can do it all on my own routine, it is time to get real and get your entitlements.

If you can – avoid being emotional.  The best outcome will be achieved by rational thought.  Make sure your solicitor understands that only the best outcome is good enough.  Do not go after anything unrealistic.  Weigh up the outcome, do not spend $10k on solicitors fighting for $5 a week which over the life of the settlement will only net you $5k.  Be rational.

Above all else do not be a pushover.  These are your rights because they were deemed to be by the courts, women have fought very very hard to achieve rights which allow them to survive and raise their kids in the wake of a divorce – do not throw them away.

I suggest as part of your agreement you ask that your partner pay 50% of your kids medical, education and extra curricular activity costs – these are the costs that can cripple your budget and your child support will not come close to covering it. 

I just want to add a footnote – I’ve used the term women loosley here – the primary carer is sometimes the man.  There are instances of care being shared 50/50.  This will all be factored in to the agreement by the court.

Take your time to get the best possible outcome.

Article: Ex Partner Rewriting the marriage history

I read this article on the 2-in-2-1 forum.  Very resonant for me at the time.  It had previously appeared in a wordpress blog  http://beerlove.wordpress.com/what-i…y-for-divorce/, this doesn’t appear to be available anymore so I’m not sure of the original source.

It may seem that most divorces are similar in nature. Actually, there are different types of divorces, each of them with their own unique psychological characteristics and emotional intensity.
The Mutual Agreement pattern of divorce occurs when both mates are unhappy and conclude that they will be happier being apart. This couple often settles their affairs amicably and quickly, and may stay friends.
The Unilateral pattern of divorce entails one person deciding to leave to the dismay of the other. There are greater emotional implications in this type of split, where the person who chooses to leave has had time to consider, reflect, weigh the options and emotionally detach, while the “left mate” is caught unprepared, treated unfairly, surprised and abandoned. Requests for more time, counseling or opportunity to change the situation are denied. The process of this
divorce is harder and more emotional due to the imbalance of power.
The emotional intensity is even greater in a Compounded divorce pattern, where there is involvement of a third party. In this situation, the partner not only feels abandoned, he or she feels replaced. The pain here is about having lost a primary position in the mate’s life to another individual. There are added painful emotions about immorality, betrayal, and failure.
Within each of these divorce patterns there are additional subsets. The following subsets are associated with the Compounded divorce pattern.
In the Compounded pattern, a spouse meets another person who is adoring and makes them feel very valued and desired. At first, they lavish in the attention and feel invigorated. With time, the spouse begins to COMPARE his/her feelings about the new admirer to those he/she has for their spouse. If they decide to break up their family and start a new life (or they are asked to explain their affair), the adulterous spouse is likely to go through the following psychological stages:
1. DEMONIZING THE MATE: The offending spouse is a decent person who is aware that their conduct is frowned upon both morally and socially. They begin to feel great guilt, yet, continue the relationship with the other person. In order to reconcile the conflict between their view of themselves as a moral being and their unacceptable conduct, the offending spouse resorts to demonizing their mate as a justification for the affair. They ascribe to their mate many negative and unforgivable traits and behaviors. Suddenly, their mate is an inept person, companion, lover, parent, and they may even be labeled “evil” or “crazy.”
2. REWRITING HISTORY: Not only is the partner found to be irrevocably faulted, the offending spouse claims that he/she has been so for the duration of the marriage. The offending spouse re-creates a view of historical suffering and pain he/she has endured. They may say, “I have been unhappy in the marriage for 20 years” or, “She made every day of our married life a miserable day.” It is clear that this is a re-created story because of the exaggerated nature of the comment, its intensity and the lack of balance. The offending spouse assumes no personal responsibility for their role in the so-called “long-term suffering.” They seeks approval and support from others for having been a victim, which in their mind fully justifies their affair and subsequent abandonment of their family.
3. PUNISHING THE MATE: The offending spouse retells his/her newly developed view of suffering often enough that he/she begins to believe that his/her mate DESERVES to be punished. The offended spouse becomes the “offender” and thus needs to be dealt with harshly. The punishment is dished out through financial withholding, or worse, through fighting over the children. The offending spouse believes that their mate is not entitled to receive any future benefits from him/her, sometimes not even those allowed by the law. In many cases, the offending spouse may even attempt to deprive the spouse of equal, fair or appropriate access to the children or to child support. Needless to say, this divorce will be very bitter, lengthy, costly and detrimental to the children.
4. SEEKING APPROVAL: Despite all of the offending spouses vengeance, he/she still wants the affirmation and approval of family, friends, and curiously enough, even his mate. He/She wants the mate to ACCEPT that he/she was primarily responsible for the break-up of the family and realize that he/she had no other choice but to act as he/she did. Sadly, this view may be imparted upon the children, who are traumatized enough by the divorce. The deep-seated guilt that the offending spouse experiences continues to plague him/her.
5. RESTORING BALANCE: The offending spouse expects their left mate to accept their new life and even be happy for them. They want their left mate to take the full blame for their need to escape the so-called intolerable marriage. Therefore, the left mate should also accept the “new reality” and make peace with the OW or OM. Since the left mate does not share the offending spouse’s reconstructed view of their history, he/she is often unwilling to embrace the offending spouse’s new life. With time, some couples learn to act civilly toward each other, often for the sake of their children.
In summary, in the Compounded style of divorce, which involves a third party, the following happens:
*A spouse becomes involved with a third party and is subsequently beleaguered by guilt.
*To justify his or her socially and morally unacceptable conduct, he/she first demonizes the mate, rewrites the history of their union in negative terms and then depicts himself as a victim and the mate as a persecutor.
*This partner then moves to punishing the spouse for the alleged unforgivable acts. He/She then seeks approval from others and even his partner for being “forced” to exit the marriage.
*The divorcing couple eventually try to restore balance, whereby a normalized or civil relationship is created. This may or may not be fully achieved.
If you have been a participant in this divorce pattern, or know someone who has been, you are fully aware of the emotional turmoil involved.
The left mate experiences a HELLISH NIGHTMARE. They are likely to go through the following stages, which are often reported in the form of sequential questions:
*The demonizing process produces feelings of pure shock.
“How can my partner betray me in the worst possible way? Not only did he have an affair, but he compounded the betrayal by accusing me of causing it.”
“Not only did he blame me for the failure of the marriage, but he also restorted to DEFAMING my character. How could he believe that I am such an evil being after having loved me for years?”
“How could he be so callous and insensitive toward the children by depicting their mother in the worst possible light to justify his own immoral conduct?”
*The rewriting of history is a major violation of the mate’s reality.
“How could he have been miserable for 10 years without my awareness? Or worse, how could all of the joy I recall be a figment of my imagination?”
“If things were truly that offensive to him, why did he not complain, and not request change or seek help FOR HIMSELF?”
*Being punished for creating a partner’s misery is a mind-boggling state.
“He started an affair, lied, deceived, violated trust and his commitment, started fights to escape from home and ultimately decided to leave our family, and I need to be punished?”
“Not only do I lose my whole life structure, but I am also seen as a greedy enemy? Please, somebody help me understand how my whole reality became so skewed.”
“To make things even more bewildering, he expects me to admit my wrongdoings, take full responsibility for the marrige failure and give him empathy for “his suffering”?”
“I am also left with the task of preserving his dignity in the children’s eyes while helping them with their anger, confusion, and pain. But, as long as the children are in pain, I am accused of turning them against him!”
“If all of this isn’t enough emotional torture, he now thinks I should accept this other woman and rejoice in his well-deserved happiness. It is my task to help the children embrace her and welcome her into the fold.”
“Since when did I select her entry into our lives? Does she deserve kudos for participating in the break-up of our marriage? How did I get assigned the job of welcoming a woman whose only interest was not that of our family unit, but of her own needs?”
The people who have gone through this trauma describe it as “crazy-making.” Such severe distortion of their reality causes left mates to doubt their sanity. Recovery from this profound trauma is slow.
What can a left partner do under these circumstances?
*Realize that all of these five phases serve the leaving partner and have little to do with you.
*Understand that this is your partner’s tragic way of dealing with their guilt. Their perceptions are the reconstructed ones.
*Your partner’s lack of any cupability is a clear sign of misdirected adaptation.
*Talk with people who can affirm your view of the marital history, interactions, and your worthy personality.
*Reassure yourself that you are sane and that the reality you are being fed is created for your partner’s self-exoneration.
*Surround yourself with people who love and affirm you.
*Remember that every parent earns his or her separate relationship with the children. Your youngsters will eventually process these events appropriately

Narcissistic Sociopathic Disorder

Many articles will ring true as you search for information trying to understand who the person that used to be your partner actually is.   How can someone who lived with you for years, perhaps the other parent of your children, suddenly just not seem to give a damn, in some cases seem to go out of their way to cause as much hurt and pain as possible e.g. lieing when telling the truth would save so much long term confusion and pain.  Some people may read the attached and find themselves having an aha moment.

 http://sociopathicrelationship.com/

Tips for dealing with stress and anxiety

I read this article on the Daily Strength website, I think it is helpful.
CURING ANXIETY AND PANIC ATTACKS IN 30 MINUTES
Thought these tips might be helpful to some other anxious types:

Through the years I have dealt with hundreds of frantic calls from patients experiencing anxiety or acute panic episodes. To rapidly cure such patients you have to teach them the following information during that standard 30 minute phone call.

1.Definition: massive outpouring of adrenaline, the most powerful chemical in your body and you were born sensitive to all chemicals.

2. You were born highly intelligent, creative and imaginative with a genetic prediposition to be anxious. It is not a lack of courage, a character defect or poor parenting.

3. How do we secrete adrenaline? By thoughts, beliefs, dreams and statements.

4. Anxiety is what you experience when you secrete adrenaline.

5. Flight or fight: The body secretes adrenaline when it prepares for mortal combat. Anxiety is simply preparation to fight a sabre tooth tiger.

6. NO NORMAL BODY FUNCTION (ie secretion of adrenaline) ever leads to death or disease. It’s no more of a threat than dropping marshmallows on your bare feet, BIG MARSHMALLOWS.

7, Panic attacks NEVER lead to heart attacks, strokes or going crazy. They are just uncomfortable.

8. ALL panic attacks go away. You always get enough oxygen, no matter how tight your chest feels.

9. Fatigue after panic results from wrestling sabre tooth tigers all day.

10. We perpetuate anxiety and panic by scaring ourselves. We use our intelligence and creativity to create imagined disasters.

11. STOP drinking lcohol and you stop being drunk. Stop squirting adrenaline and you stop feeling anxious.

12. The brain doesn’t want to die or be embarrassed. If you perceive a threat to life or limb or your ego, you will squirt adrenaline.

13. We all have a scare voice. Our scare voice always lies, exaggerates and catastrophizes.

14. Our scare voice is a consummate bully whose only two tools are the “what if’s” (imagined catastrophes) and the WPT’s (what will people think)

15. Our scare voice’s only weapon is adrenaline and you know now, adrenaline cannot harm you….

16. Stop scaring yourself and you stop secreting adrenaline and your anxiety will fade.

17. Recognize and accept your scare voice. It cannot predict the future events, it cannot predict disease. All it can do is lie, exaggerate and catastrophize.

18. Thought stoppage and calmative breathe immediately and EVERY time you feel anxious.

19. You cure phobias and obessions with victories. Learn how to get those victories.

20. Treat your scare voice as if it had terminal Alzheimer’s. Patronize, cajole but don’t react emotionally

21. “So What” I will handle it! A most powerful answer to your scare voice’s threats.

22. The three myths of all anxious people are I”m the only one, I’m crazy or will go crazy and I”m incurable! NOT NOT NOT

23. You cure panic and phobias with education, cognitive behavioral and exposure therapy. Medications alone won’t do it. Medicine helps people help themselves but you must learn and master the tools to combat anxiety.

24. All phobias and panic and obessive compulsive disorders are curable.

If you find that you are eligible for a concession (pension/health) card dont forget to claim your EMA

EMA is education maintenance allowance.  This is the name of the Victorian Scheme – other states in Australia will have similar.  Your State Governments website is the place to check.  The payment is made twice a year and  there are cut off dates so you need to move fast to be eligible to claim this allowance for the first half of 2011.  It is a small amount but can make a huge difference when you are faced with the high cost of putting your child through school - even state schools make a dent in your bank balance at the begining of the school year.

http://www.education.vic.gov.au/management/financial/ema/eligibility.htm#H2N1000B

If you have a child under the age of 8

You may be eligible for the following:

http://www.centrelink.gov.au/internet/internet.nsf/payments/parenting_eligible.htm

Even if you are not eligible now bear it in mind, because even if you are working now, it may become more difficult (even for the short term)  for you to continue for practical or emotional reasons. 

It is very important to claim these entitlements as soon as possible as they are not back dated e.g. to the date of your separation, they will only come in to effect from the date of application.

Family Assistance

If you have recently become single and have dependant children you may be eligible for more family assistance.  You can use the online calculator to determin how much assistance you will be entitled to.  It is important to ensure that you claim all of your entitlements as money can dry up at an alarming rate.

http://www.familyassist.gov.au/online-services/

Coping in the begining

If you are at the beginning of this life changing event, you are most likely feeling distraught and out of control.

You may be feeling helpless and overwhelmed.

There are many steps that can be taken but they have to be taken one at a time, and the pace will seem unbearably slow at first.

In my experience the initial shock was  traumatic.  I was struggling to function.

My advice if you are feeling low and having trouble sleeping and thinking clearly, is to do the following:

Go to your GP and give them a full and honest account of how you are feeling.  Do not understate it.  Do not put on a brave face.  Be completely honest.

If you are worried about cost, don’t be.  This is how the system works in Australia (if you are in another country it is likely there is similar assistance available, check online or simply ask your GP):

Medicare Rebates

1. Mental Health Care Items

Eligibility:

To be eligible to receive the medicare rebates you will first need to visit a GP who will assess you against certain criteria and, if eligible, prepare a Mental Health Care Plan and provide you with a referral to take to your Psychologist or Mental Health Social Worker.
Nb. Referrals can also be made by Psychiatrists or Paediatricians.

What is a Mental Health Care Plan:

A ‘Mental Health Care Plan involves the GP assessing the patient, identifying needs, setting and agreeing A ‘Mental Health Care Plan involves the GP assessing the patient, identifying needs, setting and agreeing management goals, identifying any action to be taken by the patient, selecting appropriate treatment options and arrangements for on going management of the patient, and documenting this on a plan.’ (Source:www.health.gov.au)

How many sessions can I access:

You are able to receive rebates for 12 sessions per calendar year, although 18 may be approved in exceptional circumstances. Referrals are for a maximum of 6 sessions per referral, so you will be required to return to your GP for further referrals or reviews after each group of 6 sessions. Further to these individual sessions, you are also entitled to receive rebates for 12 support groups per calendar year.

There are other counselling options available.  Your local council may be able to provide you with details for personal and family counselling.  These services usually operate on a pay what you can afford basis.  Church groups also offering counselling support.

If you feel despondent there are numbers you can call :

Lifeline  Phone: 1311 14

There is also a website which lists  the support lines available:

http://www.helplines.org.au/

The beyond blue website is also very useful in helping you assess yourself and offering practical advice and assistance

http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx?

Money – don't ignore it

When the initial emotional dust has settled it is critical to get a handle on your finances. Yes I know, you don’t want to, you want to bury your head in the sand and continue living and spending as you did before. However, the fact is that you are quite likely to have taken a substantial finanical hit as a result of the end of your marriage or long term relationship
By avoiding and ignoring this, you are digging a big, dark, scary black hole for yourself to fall into. By taking control of it now, you will at least be able to plan and understand where your money is going, and where it needs to stop going!
 
The attached budget calculator is from the Australian Government Website. www.moneyhelp.or.au.  This site contains a lot of useful information that is relevant to all countries.  The budget template can be used as your starting point to taking control of your financial life, you can add and modify of course to suit your specific requirements.
 
http://www.moneyhelp.org.au/Tools–Tips/Budget-Planner-Tool.html

Support

When I found myself alone after 16 years, I spent many evenings on my own.  My kids asleep in bed, my friends busy in their own lives, my family on the other side of the world.  I was a stranger to myself and had no idea how to live alone.  I had no idea how to be a single parent. I became desparate for answers.  I needed to make sense of my life again.  In this day and age how does one do that?  Well I hopped on my  laptop and searched and searched and searched.  I think I was so empty of answers that I must have created a void that the universe was obliged to fill.  Here is a link to the website which provided me with the most invaluable support in working through the worst of my pain.  I met some people here that I now consider among my closest friends.  This was when I realised that when I am open to it the right people will always come in to my life at the right time.

Again I will write more on this, but as I am setting up and really wanting to provide some basic help before I go in to too much detail here is the site:

http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/forumdisplay.php?forumid=13

There is another site which also provided me with some help.  This site can be of use to anyone going through any type of difficult circumstance.

http://www.dailystrength.org/

The Children

Our children are our greatest privilege.  As devasting as divorce may be for us, it’s our responsibility to ensure that we guide our children through the changes as best as we possibly can.

This site offers some tips and advice for assisting with this process.  I will write more about my own thoughts on how best to do this, but as I am in the initial phase I want to get as much assistance up as quickly as I can. So for now here is a link to the CSA website.

http://www.csa.gov.au/services/separation_resources/index.aspx

Divorce and Recovery

 2.1.11

My   most life changing experience   has been the breakdown of my marriage.  My partner of 16 years  had an affair with a work colleague.  He wouldn’t admit it, but within 9 months of walking out the door of our family home they had bought a home together and within 14 months he was walking down the aisle with her.

The life I was living was shattered.  Destruction on a nuclear scale.   I felt destroyed by betrayal and lies.  I felt destroyed by my own complacency and blindness.

I have  2 children, at the time they were 11 and 6.  I am an immigrant, my family live on the other side of the world.  I felt overwhelmed by responsibility.  I felt alone.  I felt incapable.  I was a mess emotionally.  I broke down.  I became a shell.   As so many people have said before, if it wasn’t for the children I would have just stopped existing.

I felt ashamed and humiliated.  I couldn’t even tell my family what had happened for a couple of months.

Each time I had to tell another person what had happened I would become distraught.  I would hang up the phone and pace and wail, the pain was so unbearable.  I had thought such displays of emotions were a dramatic tool in plays, but they are actually real.  The pain erupts. The confusion flows like lava, burning and destroying everything in its wake. There is no consolation in those moments, just an overflow of pain and emotion. 

Now 2 years later here I sit.  I can tell you something about myself that I would not have been able to tell you at any other point of my life without qualification.  I am happy.

This blog will tell u how I got from there to here.    I hope it may help you.  I will tell you about the emotional journey as well as how I overcame the practical issues I faced.

This isn’t just for people dealing with the breakdown of a relationship; it’s for anyone dealing with life changing events, or for anyone that feels they need to change their life.

I am of course far from perfect and not all of my methods will work for others. A lot of the struggle I faced though was the feeling of being lost and alone, hopefully if nothing else the sharing of this experience will help others feel less alone.